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Key points
- Detachment can help loved ones who are struggling with addiction to break through denial.
- Loving detachment frees people to nurture their own physical and mental health.
- Detachment can also open the door to spiritual growth.
It’s widely known that detaching with love can be a powerful way to promote the recovery of a loved one struggling with addiction. Detachment allows us to be supportive while letting go of the need to control, rescue, or judge. As a result, addicted people are free to face the consequences of their actions, an important step in breaking through the denial that sustains addiction.
But our loved ones aren’t the only ones who benefit when we detach with love. Detachment has an equally positive impact on those of us who love someone with an addiction. Here’s how:
1. Detachment lets you reclaim your identity.
If you love someone with substance use disorder, chances are the line between you and your loved one has become blurred. You’ve spent so much time and energy trying to fix their problems that you’ve lost touch with your own needs, interests, and values. Detaching with love gives you a chance to rediscover the unique individual that is you.
2. Detachment allows you to stand on solid ground.
People with an addiction live on a nonstop roller coaster of extreme highs and devastating lows. Those of us who love them are often dragged along for the ride. As a result, we can lose our bearings. We can end up not knowing whether we’re coming or going. Detachment lets us get off the roller coaster. It helps us regain our balance so we can get a clearer perspective on things.
3. Detachment gives you a chance to recharge your batteries.
Dealing with someone who’s addicted is exhausting. The lies and deceptions, the emotional volatility, the endless crises—all the maddening chaos that goes with addiction can leave us physically and emotionally exhausted. As a result, we have little energy to take care of ourselves. Detachment puts a plug in the energy drain. Instead of running on empty, we can begin to refuel our inner resources.
4. Detachment helps you improve your mental health.
People who love an addict are almost always stressed out. Driven by the impulse to save our loved ones and deflated by the inevitable setbacks and disappointments, we exist in a fog of anxiety and depression. We’re often wracked with guilt, anger, self-pity, and resentment. Only when we let go of our loved one’s problems can we begin to untangle these complex emotions. Detachment gives our battered psyche a chance to heal.
5. Detachment helps you improve your physical health.
Mental health is closely linked to physical health. Research has shown that stress expresses itself physically in a whole host of ailments, including heart disease, skin conditions, sleep disorders, and gastrointestinal problems. Furthermore, stress can lead to unhealthy behaviors such as smoking, overeating, and substance abuse. When we detach with love, our stress levels go down, allowing us to lead healthier lives.
6. Detachment allows you to develop your spiritual life.
Addiction is debasing in that higher values like love, compassion, unselfishness, and altruism are usually suppressed in the pursuit of the next high. Those of us who love someone who’s addicted can also get caught up in the daily ugliness of addiction. In our single-minded focus on rescuing our loved ones, it’s easy to lose sight of the goodness and beauty in the world. Detachment empowers us to turn away from the darkness of addiction toward the light of acceptance and hope. When we detach with love, we are free to discover our life’s deeper purpose and to nurture our own spiritual growth.
Detaching with love does not mean abandoning our loved ones. It means making our own well-being a priority. As the author Parker Palmer noted: “Self-care is never a selfish act—it is simply good stewardship of the only gift I have, the gift I was put on Earth to offer to others.” That gift is our self.
