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Key points
- Divorce marks a tumultuous period between parents and can often trigger irrational behavior.
- High-conflict divorce can harm a parent's physical and mental health, undermining their ability to parent.
- Children often become thrust in the middle of the conflict, forced to take sides.
- By taking a pause to engage the adult mind, the child can be shielded from unneccesary harm.
Divorce marks a tumultuous period for the entire family, often emerging as a response to a breakdown in the marital bond. This breakdown usually stems from a violation of trust—a fundamental moral breach. Psychologist Jonathon Haidt suggests that our moral compass is rooted in evolutionary adaptations that enabled communal living, giving humans an edge over larger, stronger species. However, when this moral code is breached, it activates the emotional brain, impairing the logical brain's capacity to guide rational behavior. Consequently, the behavior of parents during a divorce can sometimes mirror that of their still-developing children, whom they are trying to nurture. Yet, parents still remain the role model for how to manage conflict in all relationships.
High-conflict separations also entail biological repercussions that affect the entire family. Once unified parents become adversaries, frequently engaging in conflict. The legal system can exacerbate this tension, leading to a state of chronic stress among the parents. This prolonged stress can weaken their immune system and adversely affect their overall health.
When the neurological and biological systems of two conflicting parents are compromised, their psychological well-being is also adversely affected. Each party starts to dehumanize the other, becoming overly alert to every action. This leads to a state of constant anticipatory anxiety and stress.
Undoubtedly, children are the most innocent victims in these situations. Addressing a child's needs becomes incredibly challenging when they are engulfed in irrational behavior, physical suffering, and emotional distress. The diminished emotional connection often unfairly thrusts them into an authoritative role, a position far from suitable for their developmental stage. Children should be nurtured and supported by both parents, not placed in the middle, forced to choose sides.
This represents a cautionary tale about how high-conflict divorce can have negative consequences for the family system. However, there is hope, and it does not mean that every story needs to end this way. There is room for resiliency. But it takes a measured approach. The following are some suggestions about how to avoid falling into a downward spiral of toxicity for the family.
- Take a moment to engage your rational mind prior to letting emotions guide your responses. Visualize your child perched on your shoulder before you react, and ponder if they would take pride in your actions.
- If you find yourself blaming the other parent, remember between every stimulus there is a response. The time between them represents your freedom to choose how you want to respond.
- Take care of yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally. Divorce can be draining, so make sure you are taking breaks when needed and seeking support from friends and family or a mental health professional.
- If you find your children suffering, a divorce support group is a great place where the child can practice resiliency skills, feel supported, and learn that they are not alone.
- Remember that the divorce is between you and your spouse, not between you and your child.
- Avoid using them as a messenger or involving them in adult issues. They are not equipped to handle them and it can create unnecessary stress and confusion for them.
- Communicate openly and respectfully with your ex-partner about co-parenting decisions. This will show your children that you are still a united front when it comes to their well-being.
- Keep routines consistent as much as possible. Children thrive on structure and stability, especially during times of change.
- Be patient with the process. Co-parenting takes time, effort, and compromise from both parties involved.
- Remember that your child's happiness and well-being should always be the priority. Putting aside personal differences and focusing on what is best for your child will ultimately lead to a healthier co-parenting relationship.
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