The Top 5 Ways You're Apologizing Wrong

Carolyn and her husband in conversation

Source: Judy Lee, Used with permission

Mistakes are how we learn and grow. It is in our failures that we learn what not to do, how to improve, and what we want. This is perhaps truest in relationships as we learn what does and doesn’t work with each other. And yet, the simple act of acknowledging those mistakes seems so hard for us to do.

In our intimate relationships, this dance between our abundant mistakes and our inability or unwillingness to repair them causes a tremendous amount of grief. When mistakes are made, we often fight about who made the mistake, whose fault it is, and why it is or isn’t important, which leads to mistakes on top of mistakes on top of mistakes.

Because I see this so frequently in my work with couples, let’s start with how not to apologize. I imagine one or more of these examples might resonate with you.

We’ve all been guilty of offering these non-apologies:

1. “I am sorry you feel that way” is not an apology. That is like saying, “I am sorry you are crazy enough to feel like that,” “I am sorry you are broken like that,” or “I am sorry you are dumb enough to have those feelings.” This statement fixes nothing and usually makes things worse. You are taking zero ownership of your actions, and trust me, your partner knows it.
2. “I am sorry, but . . .” is not an apology but instead a lead-in to an explanation, rationalization, or justification for your actions that serve you rather than help your partner. “I am sorry, but I was tired.” “I am sorry, but I needed . . .” In doing this, you are just making excuses and not apologizing. This usually inflames the fight and doesn’t repair the injury.
3. Offering the quick “Sorry!” without care or feeling is also ineffective and potentially harmful. I call this the “throw-away apology” because it is missing the genuine care and intention needed to heal. Worse still, “Are you happy now?” or an angry “Fine, I am sorry!” or “OK, OK, OK, I am sorry!” uses some of the right words but delivers them with anger, which does nothing to help the situation and usually worsens hurt feelings.
4. Next, the “apology pity party” includes some version of “I am the worst partner in the world. I am so terrible. I am evil. Please forgive me. Poor you having to be in a relationship with me.” This flips the script, turning the focus of attention to how bad you feel for causing the harm rather than putting the focus on the injured person. This requires the injured partner to care for the person who hurt them and creates an imbalance in support and care that causes significant damage.
5. Finally, the “punishment apology” makes the person asking for the apology pay for it. This looks something like, “Fine, sorry, I won’t ever try to help you again!” or “Whatever, never mind, sorry, you are too difficult to help!” It is a form of gaslighting in which the person who is hurt is made to be the problem for needing care in the first place, having feelings, or witnessing something harmful. This is the most toxic form of non-apology, and it has no place in a healthy relationship. Even still, many of us, in our weakest and most vulnerable moments, have acted from here. There is always the possibility to heal and grow from this and every behavior.

Who, in addition to me, has done some version of all of these?

Those of us who were not properly taught to apologize by our parents or experienced shame or punishment for our mistakes tend to bungle apologies left and right. This is how we learn. Knowing what not to do helps us create space for more effective ways to repair.

Excepted from Fire It Up: Four Secrets to Reigniting Intimacy and Joy in Your Relationship. Coming from Flashpoint Books on January 7, 2025.