How to Have “The Talk” about Race with Your Children

Race has had a foundational impact on American society since its inception. This topic stirs deep pain and emotion for many for good reason. Race has been used to perpetrate some of the greatest human tragedies. While many want to avoid discussing race altogether, others are committed to making it the focus of their every thought and conversation.

Parents have an important role in deciding the fate of race relations in society at large, and that should not be overlooked. Parents can teach their children to develop healthy positive views of race that can have a lasting impact.

Here are four tips for parents:

1. Celebrate human diversity as a gift that improves all lives.

Many races of people joining together.

Source: Andrea Piaquadio/Pexels

Nature demonstrates the beauty of diversity, without which human beings would cease to exist. Biodiversity allows life to thrive on this planet, and for that reason we should all be grateful. Diversity among human beings should be seen the same way. Pointing out that we are different should be presented as beautiful. Discussions about race should be a natural part of the human experience, as our differences are worth celebrating.

Parents should be purposeful in directing the narrative about race for their children instead of waiting for experiences, teachers, or peers to direct the views of their children. Therefore, parents should discuss diversity in nature and in people at early ages. Such an approach allows the deeper discussions of race to develop more naturally as children age. The focus should be on how diversity benefits us all. Diversity leads to innovation, richer experiences, and knowledge transformation. Our cultural differences make life much more interesting.

2. Acknowledge and present the history that continues to impact the lives of many.

It is well known that race played a significant role in the foundation of America and how it was developed into the country it is today. Black Americans were enslaved, while Native Americans were forcefully moved from their land by European settlers (Perlmutter 2015). These historical facts are important to present to all children, as they are a fundamental part of this country’s history.

The long history of directly preventing minorities from progressing in education and in their professions lasted for hundreds of years, which led to the diversity of outcomes from which minorities are still reeling (Perlmutter 2015). A careful and malicious attempt to justify poor treatment of Black Americans led to a concerted effort to present them as incapable, uncivilized, and less than human.

Such views continue to impact the way people see each other even today. Blacks are often still perceived as criminal, uneducated, poor, and even aggressive, while their white counterparts are often seen as capable, smart, kind, and deserving of a second chance, even if they do commit crimes. Raising children to be informed of history should be age-appropriate but never ignored.

3. For minority parents: Avoid the fear-and-struggle narrative.

It can be very difficult not to try to warn children of the potentially painful or even dangerous experiences that they may encounter. Many minority parents tell their children that they will have to work twice as hard as their counterparts to receive the same opportunities or fewer. Some parents even warn them that the world will not value them as equal members of society. While this may seem like preparation, it unfortunately prepares minority children to feel unsafe in their environment even before anything happens.

When people are primed to find racism and fear, they will look to confirm that belief. This is identified as confirmation bias in the psychological literature. Confirmation bias refers to the interpretation of facts and experiences in ways that maintain already held beliefs and expectations. It is important to be aware of, as it may inadvertently increase the pain of racism and limit children instead of empowering them. If I think racism is lurking behind every corner, I am likely to interpret even benign experiences as racist. Also, I may feel that my efforts are fruitless if I think that the mountain before me is insurmountable.

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Successful black man

Source: Taylor Grote/Unsplash

Instead, be honest, but hopeful. Share with children that life has many challenges that they are capable of overcoming. Don’t give racism the power to be a limitation, but give children the power to meet challenges as they arise.

4. For majority parents: Avoid ignoring the issues that plague others.

Majority parents should help their children see that we all have diverse experiences that can determine our outcomes. Parents should expose their children to different ways of living in many areas. Race is one of them. For example, it may be difficult to understand poverty if one grows up never being in financial need. It will be useful to share with those children how difficult life can be for those who suffer through poverty.

Color blindness refers to the practice of not noticing or considering racial diversity. Color blindness has been put forth as a solution to racial bias. The theory is that if we stop focusing on race, it will no longer be relevant and racism will become obsolete. The problem (Apfelbaum et al 2012) is that pretending that race does not exist will not erase it.

Race is the other talk that parents must have with their children in this country. Parents must be proactive and informed about race so that they can raise children who are empowered and informed, instead of avoidant or simply victims. Parenting is best served when we are looking towards raising children who thrive.