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The legal process of divorce, with its division of assets and debts, heightens emotions, especially fear and anger. If your judgment is affected by fear, guilt, or anger, you’ll prolong the pain and cost of the divorce. Conflict and argument are costly in both legal fees and psychological stability. So, how can you stop the escalation of conflict related to fear and other emotions around money?
Start by taking 3 deep breaths before you interact with your soon-to-be ex. This is the best tool I know to ground yourself. Here are several more strategies that can address both the emotional and practical aspects of financial disagreements:
1. Open Communication: Be open and transparent about your financial situation, goals, and concerns. Honest communication can prevent misunderstandings. Listen to understand your soon-to-be ex's (STBX) perspectives and concerns without interrupting or judging.
As hard as is it when divorcing, cultivate patience and empathy. Try to understand the other person's perspective and acknowledge their feelings and concerns, even if your perspective is different. Remember: understanding is not necessarily agreeing!
Be patient with yourself and each other as you work through financial issues. Finding mutually acceptable solutions takes time.
2. Set Clear Financial Goals and Boundaries: Work with your STBX to set short-term and long-term financial goals for each of you. This helps align everyone's expectations and negotiate toward common objectives. Focus on positive, realistic goals for yourself and your family. Be prepared to compromise: an acceptable outcome is not necessarily your “ideal” outcome.
Clearly outline boundaries on spending, saving, and financial responsibilities, especially regarding your children (if you have kids), to avoid overstepping or misunderstanding.
3. Become Financially Literate: Most of us need help to understand divorce-related financial concepts. This will empower you to make better decisions and reduce your anxiety. Typically, one person in a relationship has more knowledge or comfort with financial issues. You may need to get up to speed, which is crucial in your negotiation and for your future independence.
A financial advisor, a CDFA (Certified Divorce Financial Analyst), or a counselor can provide impartial guidance and strategies for managing finances and dividing resources effectively. This investment of time and money may ultimately save you money and stress.
4. Create a Budget and Plan: A realistic and detailed budget that accounts for all income, expenses, and savings will help you manage money more effectively and reduce financial stress. During your divorce, you will need to prepare a budget: it's a task that can be overwhelming, but it pays off by giving you more control over your finances.
Establish an emergency fund to provide a safety net for unexpected expenses, such as legal fees, counseling, or moving costs. Being prepared with an emergency fund will alleviate financial anxiety.
Tip: After the divorce, have regular financial meetings to review your budget, goals, and any concerns regarding children’s expenses. Be flexible and willing to adjust your plans as circumstances change.
5. Address Underlying Issues: Arguing when your divorce professionals’ meters are running is costly! Professionally trained divorce coaches can address emotional factors, such as fear, anger, guilt, or power dynamics. Conflict around money usually stems from deeper emotional issues. Addressing these through therapy or counseling can save money, especially legal fees.
Many relationships have power differences when it comes to money. Take care to balance the power dynamics with the help of your coach, therapist, or lawyer. Remember: Everyone has an equal right to have a say in financial decisions.
6. Conflict Resolution Techniques: Unless you have no assets, debts, or children, and if you’ve only been married a short time, you will need help to divorce. Consider involving a neutral third party to mediate discussions and help reach a resolution. If you need more support, another confidential, out-of-court process is collaborative divorce. Avoid litigation if at all possible: it is a high-conflict, expensive, and lengthy process that usually prolongs the conflict, rather than resolving it. Go for a collaborative problem-solving approach where all parties work together to find mutually acceptable solutions. In the end, this will cost less emotionally and financially!
7. Focus on Solutions, Not Blame: Disagreements are inevitable. After all, this is why you are divorcing. However, if you approach financial discussions with a focus on finding solutions rather than assigning blame, the emotional temperature will drop. A positive, solution-focused approach fosters a cooperative atmosphere.
Celebrate your successes! Acknowledge financial milestones, such as paying off a credit card or building some savings, and feel empowered to manage your financial life post-divorce.
By addressing the emotional and practical aspects of your financial settlement, it is possible to reduce anxiety, fear, and conflict related to money. Keep your focus on the future, knowing that you will recover from the challenges of going through a divorce. Take each day, one step at a time, and use self-care tools to stay grounded.
To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
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© Ann Gold Buscho, Ph.D. 2024
