Is "Not Attached to an Outcome" a Better Way to Date?

"NATO Dating" means that you go on dates without holding very specific expectations and without needing the dates to lead to a particular result.

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You may have heard of the "NATO Dating" term on social media and other Generation Z circles. This term doesn't mean dating people in each of the 31 member states of the North Atlantic Treaty Organization, which could take a while and lots of air miles. Instead, NATO here stands for "Not Attached to an Outcome." NATO Dating means that you date without holding very specific expectations and without needing the date to lead to a particular result whether it's getting sex or free sushi, securing a significant other, or identifying a spouse. This approach seems to be growing in popularity; Tinder’s 2023 Year in Swipe report did list NATO Dating as the number two Global Dating Trend, based on Tinder's review of what its app users are saying.

NATO Dating can be the opposite of other common approaches—I am going to find my future Schmoopy or Honey Butter Biscuit in one year or bust. Every date is a job interview and the position is me. Rather, when you NATO it, you go on dates with the more vague goals of simply meeting other people, learning about them, and enjoying different experiences, while taking an overarching let's just see what happens attitude. Depending on your personality and situation, such an approach could end up working better for you and have the following five potential advantages:

1. NATO Dating can take off some of the pressure: Employers wouldn't like hearing, "I'm on this interview so that I can learn what the heck you actually do; I want to see what happens." By contrast, taking such an approach on a date could make the date feel less like a job interview and thus reduce the feeling that you and your date need to perform in some sort of peak manner. Reducing this performance and result-driven pressure can, in turn, help both of you relax and be more like your true selves. This ultimately can help you better determine whether the two of you truly match with each other.
2. NATO Dating can reduce the feeling that this is a waste of time associated with unsuccessful dating: It's easy to feel that dating is a ginormous waste of time when you keep leaving each date with that U2 song in your head—I still haven't found what I am looking for. But if you approach each date more like a learning experience, then each date could serve as a growth opportunity, which means that you wouldn't be completely wasting your time. For example, say you didn't get truly hooked on that date with that hookworm expert. At least, you learned a little more about parasitology.
3. NATO Dating can keep your mind open and reduce the risk of ruling someone out too quickly: Being too focused on an outcome can lead you to cross someone off your list way prematurely. For example, say your image of a spouse is someone with a certain kind of job, income level, face, and body. If you are fixated on this image, you may be rather strict about who you will even go out with on a date. This could lead to a lot of missed opportunities, especially if your current image of a spouse does not actually match what's best for you in the long run.
4. NATO Dating can help you avoid other rash decisions: When you are too focused on a result, you can end up making some too-hasty choices in both directions. Focusing too heavily on finding a wife or a husband can make you seek the wrong things and even see qualities in the person that aren't truly there. For example, you could think: He shared his perogies with me, so therefore he's likely to do his share of the housework. Or, she didn't flee the restaurant while I was away in the bathroom, so therefore, she won't cheat on me. People often see what they want to see rather than what's really there.
5. Leaving yourself open to other possibilities: You never know what a date may lead to even though it doesn't land you a significant other immediately. Maybe you'll find yourself a new good friend or business partner. Perhaps this date could lead to dates with other people. Heck, who knows, perhaps a date will lead you to eventually find a match with that person's sibling or friend. That doesn't mean that you should ask your date: "Are your friends hot and available." "Could your sibling show up to the next date instead of you?"

Of course, there are two sides to every coin. NATO Dating is not for everyone, and depending on you and your circumstances, it can bring the following four potential dangers:

1. Wasting your time with people who do not want to commit to anything: "Let's just see what happens" can be code for "Let's just keep having sex until you realize that I just want to have sex."
2. Preventing you from going deeper and getting to know each other better: People may be reluctant to reveal who they truly are and what they truly think until they have some assurance that you are willing to be in a committed relationship.
3. Leaving you in uncomfortable limbo: Leaving things open may be okay during the first few dates but by the time you get to date 593, you probably want to get things more squared away. At some point, one of you may not want to keep introducing the other person as your "NATO ally" or keep trying to explain to others what you are not doing with the person whom you are dating.
4. Leading to major miscommunication, misunderstandings, and mismatches: When you don't quite know where something is going, the risk of major misses is high. Not knowing what you may mean to the other person can make it difficult to know how to act and what to share. It can be like acting in a movie when you don't quite know the plot.

Ultimately, NATO Dating does have potential strategic advantages and can be a refreshing new way to approach dating. But it's not necessarily for everyone and for every time in a given person's life. Depending on where you are in terms of your life experience and life goals, you may or may not want to be more or less focused on achieving particular outcomes sooner versus later. As with all aspects of dating, the key is open communication and an open sharing of expectations so that you end up connecting with people with similar goals. If one person is into NATO Dating and the other person is into something more like a "We Saw" Pact, trying to reconcile the different approaches could lead to a lot of heartache. In other words, you should treaty the other person as you'd like to be treatied yourself.

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