Show Me the Money—and Deciding How Much Money to Show

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Part of a series.

It is impossible to explore the role that money plays in launching young adults without also exploring the role that money plays in the relationship between the parents of young adults.

Whether or not parents are married, they will frequently experience differences of opinion about how money should be spent on their children, not just during childhood and adolescence but often into and throughout early adulthood.

Here are some recent examples from my practice (names and identifying details have been changed to protect confidentiality):

Roberta and Sarah are disagreeing when it comes to their eldest son’s college fund. Roberta wants to sink every spare dollar they have into that fund so that Evander, 17, can go to “any college he wants to.” At the same time, Sarah believes that they should put enough money away for a state college, and Evander should cover anything beyond that with loans, financial aid, and awards. Sarah was recently diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease and is worried about their retirement, medical expenses, and the need to purchase long-term care insurance.

Michelle and Damon’s 19-year-old, formerly known as Victor, is a college sophomore who recently came out to them as a trans woman who would now like to be referred to as Venus. Venus has requested that her parents pay for medical treatment, starting with hormone replacement therapy, to support her transition. She would also like them to help cover the expense of laser hair removal and work with a vocal coach to help her with pitch elevation. Both parents are struggling with adjusting to the reality of having a daughter rather than a son, but they differ in how they want to respond from a financial perspective. Michelle believes that Venus is asking for subsidies for legitimate medical and mental health expenses and that they should respond as if it were any other clinical matter. Damon believes that if transitioning is important to Venus, she should figure out a way to handle these expenses on her own

Leon and Barbara, in their mid-60s, no longer have children living at home. Both are widowed, and each of them has two adult children from their first marriages. Leon would like to retire and wants Barbara to retire, as well, so that they can travel and “enjoy life.” But Barbara is concerned about her youngest daughter, Ava, now 24, who has struggled with mental illness since adolescence and still remains dependent on her financially, so Barbara feels the need to continue working. Leon doesn’t want to retire “on his own” without Barbara retiring, as well, while Barbara doesn’t want to be the “only one in the marriage who is working."

Henry and Eleanor are in their mid-70s and working on their will. Both have been married once before; Henry is widowed, and Eleanor is divorced. Eleanor wants to divide their assets equally between their four children (she has three, he has one.). Still, Henry is uncomfortable with this and feels it’s unfair because Eleanor’s parents left her three children with substantial trust funds that enabled them to put down payments on houses. At the same time, his daughter, 27, is single and has no other financial resources other than him. From his perspective, his daughter should be entitled to a larger share of their assets upon their death.

Couples often have difficulty acknowledging their emotional experiences and sharing them with each other. Arguing about money, rather than addressing the feelings behind those arguments, is often easier, at least in the short run.

For example, disagreements about how money should be spent on children might be a compelling distraction from deeper and more complicated feelings, such as the sadness and melancholy that one or both parents may be encountering as one or more of their children prepare to leave home. They have to begin looking ahead to the next chapter of their lives.

In our culture, we tend to focus on “money management” more than “emotional management.” Still, the two processes are closely linked, and addressing the latter may help us engage more effectively with the former.