Don’t Compromise, Create Solutions With Your Partner

Source: Courtesy of Pexels, Alena Darmel

Couples are often encouraged to compromise when trying to resolve their differences. This may involve concessions made by one or both parties involved. While compromises can help us move beyond a problem, situations may arise in which partners feel as if they have sacrificed something that they truly valued, which can create resentment over time.

Take for example a hypothetical couple, Janna and David, who are trying to decide what to do for their date night while their kids are home with the babysitter. Janna wants to go to the city to meet up with friends who are celebrating a birthday. Janna loves nightlife, and for her, the best way to spend an evening child-free would be to go out and socialize. David, on the other hand, wants to spend a quiet evening at home. He suggests opening a bottle of wine, putting on a movie, and cooking a meal together. He doesn’t want to travel into the city or stay out late. They went back and forth for a while, each trying to prove to their partner why their idea was superior. Voices were raised and a tense conversation was had, before finally reaching a compromise. They decided to cook dinner at home and then join their friends for drinks. They would only stay out for a few rounds, before coming home and going to bed.

They came up with a plan, so what’s the problem with this scenario? Janna was upset that she missed most of the party and was concerned that they would appear rude, both arriving late and leaving early. David felt as if he would have to rush their dinner to get to the city, and would still have to travel and stay out late. Both, feeling dissatisfied with the concessions they made to reach a compromise, didn’t enjoy their date night.

Research also supports the difficulty with these types of situations. A study conducted on participants from National Taiwan University demonstrated that compromises that involve accommodating and sacrificing may lead to anxiety and depression (Lin et al., 2016).

Below are some potential solutions.

Discuss rather than debate.

Instead of trying to convince their partner why their plan for date night was better and settling the dispute by meeting in the middle (with their dinner at home/partial party date), it would have been helpful for Janna and David to pause and remember that they were discussing plans, not debating one another. If they can reframe the way in which they engage and remember that it’s a discussion and not an argument, they can communicate in a softer, kinder way.

Rather than trying to convince your partner that your plans are the best, approach the discussion from a place of love and compassion. Stay curious and ask one another questions, listening to your partner’s answers, rather than waiting to prove your position.

Create rather than concede.

Instead of each person conceding and losing part of both experiences, create a joint solution. Janna and David may have decided to spend their evening out in the city with their friends since it was a special birthday celebration and because they already have a babysitter for their children. Janna, knowing that David wasn’t thrilled about being out late, may plan something special the next morning, such as a nice breakfast after encouraging him to sleep in. They could plan another special evening that would involve prepping and cooking a meal as a family during the week. Once the kids go to sleep, they can open a bottle of wine and enjoy a movie. In this scenario, Janna and David honor one another’s wishes and even benefit from having more than one night of connecting with one another.

When creating solutions, it is best if you approach the decision from a place of loving kindness. By doing this, you and your partner work together rather than against one another.