Romantic Relationships in Adults of Narcissistic Parents

Growing up with narcissistic parents can have consequences that last a lifetime. Narcissism is a personality trait characterized by grandiosity, self-absorption, entitlement, and the need for admiration. It is not surprising then that adult children of narcissists experienced their parents as highly critical, isolating them from friends, making them forgo celebrations and hobbies, and denying them a childhood through neglect. Moreover, the children of narcissists often struggle with anxiety and depression across the course of their development.

But how do adult children of narcissistic parents experience romantic relationships?

This was the central question of a study led by Minna Lyons, an evolutionary behavioral scientist at Liverpool John Moores University in the United Kingdom.

In order to investigate this inquiry, Dr. Lyons and her team searched for posts on Reddit, the online discussion forum, in which adult children of narcissistic parents specifically discussed their personal experiences in romantic relationships on relevant sub-Reddits. From there, they analyzed the posts for themes.

The results were striking. The analyses generated four themes, underscoring how growing up with parental narcissism can create challenges—and triumphs—in romantic relationships as adults. A general overview of the study’s findings is provided below.

1. Strategies and Emotions in Current Relationships (61 Percent of Posts)

Reddit users reported various maladaptive strategies and feelings, which often traced back to childhood. These included:

• Trust issues: Many feared that their current partner would turn out to be like their narcissistic parent. As a result, the quality of their relationship suffered, and they were unduly suspicious of their partner. One poster shared: “If I see any similarities between my dad and boyfriend, I get scared. If my boyfriend says something similar to what my dad has said, I think it’s a red flag. I feel that I turn things into red flags that are not necessarily red flags.”
• Commitment anxiety: This issue also reaches back to childhood. Users often referred to their parents as over-controlling and critical, which subsequently spawned enduring fears of being loved and accepted for their authentic selves. Some also viewed love as “short-term and conditional.”
• Setting boundaries: Many had learned to put others before themselves and felt solely responsible for their partners’ happiness. A poster reflected: “My childhood relationship with a narcissistic mother means that I do not understand the importance of people respecting my boundaries. I always thought I had to put other people first. In previous serious relationships, people constantly disrespect my boundaries, and I let them do it. I prioritized their feelings, wants, and interests over mine. I allowed myself to feel responsible for their happiness. It was draining.”

Similarly, some users allowed their partners to treat them poorly because they thought it was normal. Technically speaking, the internalization of negative models of interpersonal relationships in childhood led to choosing a partner who mistreated them in adulthood. Posters also referred to fears of abandonment, exploitation, and intimacy; communication difficulties; feelings of guilt, shame, and anger; the need for validation; a lack of good conflict resolution; and high sensitivity to criticism.

2. Behaviors and Characteristics of Partners and their Families (47 Percent of Posts)

Some users characterized their partners in positive terms—and as being unlike their narcissistic parents. They described them as kind, loving, and understanding. By contrast, others said their partners possessed characteristics of their narcissistic parents. One poster reported that emotional abuse in childhood fostered their attraction to abusive romantic partners.

Of particular note, conflictive relationships with narcissistic parents raised alarm bells in partners or in-laws—especially in cases of estrangement. One user expressed: “People who are not close with their families are referred to as red flags. Although people want to relate to you, they can’t. I had an ex who said to me once that I hate everyone’s family because I don’t have one.”

3. Parent Intrusiveness in Current Relationships (31 Percent of Posts)

Narcissistic parents may exhibit jealousy, resentment, or an extreme need to control their adult children’s relationships and lives, refusing to accept that their child is now a separate and autonomous adult. Many posters reported manipulation and harassment by their parent and even attempts at breaking up their relationship.

One user recounted: “I dated him for over two years, and every time I went to see him, my mother would scream at me. The abuse about the relationship got so bad I just had to end it. I was so traumatized and emotionally exhausted that I just wanted it to end. The minute I broke up with him, she acted completely different towards me.”

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4. Journey to Realization and Recovery (60 Percent of Posts)

This theme encompassed posts that reflected resilience, recovery, and efforts at improving romantic relationships. Users found support in therapy, partners, and the Reddit community, which was a place where they felt understood and could seek advice on how to cope. The anonymity of the forum also allowed users to talk about experiences that, until then, they had never shared with anyone.

Many posts also had positive messages about the realization that users’ parents were abusive narcissists—and that they no longer had to be defined by it. One user optimistically shared: “As an adult, it doesn’t matter what has happened in the past. It’s about what you are going to do to fix it. I’m open to anything that helps me to become a better person. I want to be able to accept and give love in a way that is healthy.”