But I Didn't Mean to, Even Though I Did

Let’s imagine that you are out to eat with a friend. You are sitting at a cute little outdoor table under the shade of a big umbrella. It is the perfect spot with just one annoying flaw—the table is a bit wobbly. But you and your friend decide that a little wobble is not the end of the world and go on with your lunch. The waiter brings you both some water, and you are having a lovely conversation while waiting for your meal to come out.

After a bit of time, the sun starts to peak around the umbrella, and you see your friend starting to squint in the bright light. So, you stand up to adjust the umbrella to block the sun better so they can be more comfortable. In doing so though, you forget that the table is wobbly and accidentally bump into the table. Your friend’s glass of water was close to the end of the table, and the wobble was just enough to send all of the water into their lap. They are soaked.

So what do you do next? Most of us would maybe gasp and say something along the lines of “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry” and maybe grab some napkins to help dry up the water and make our friend more comfortable. At this moment, we understand that the most pressing issue is that our friend is uncomfortable and wet, and we want to help them feel more comfortable.

After you help get your friend dry and you are both comfortable again, or at least a bit more comfortable, you might say something like, “I completely forgot the table was wobbly,” or “I had no idea your water was so close to the edge.” You would explain where you are coming from and what happened so that your friend knows you did not mean to spill the water. And the two of you might be able to problem-solve how to keep it from happening again. Maybe you fold up an extra napkin and put it under the leg of the table so that the accident won’t reoccur.

What would not work in this situation would be to try to explain what happened or problem-solve how to keep it from happening again when your friend is still covered in water. At that point, it doesn’t really matter how they got covered in water or whether you meant to or not. What matters is that they are wet and uncomfortable and need your help to be able to feel better before they are able to listen to how it happened and work with you to keep it from happening again.

This story is an example of a very common issue when it comes to problem-solving a conflict. The issue here is the difference between intent and impact and when we focus on each in a problem-solving conflict.

Intent vs. Impact

When we talk about intent, we are referring to the motivation behind an action. In the case of the water spilling, the intent was to help your friend feel more comfortable by moving the umbrella to shade their eyes. You wanted them to feel seen and to be able to enjoy lunch with you.

Impact, on the other hand, refers to the outcome of our actions. Sometimes, it is the same as our intent, but sometimes, it can be very different. In this case, the impact was that your friend ended up being covered in water and more uncomfortable, even though you intended to help them feel more comfortable.

This dynamic happens all the time in conflicts. Often, people have a positive intent in their actions or, at the very least, do not have a negative intent or a desire to harm someone. However, things do not always go according to plan, and often, there is a negative impact regardless of the intent.

For example, maybe someone intended to help their partner by doing a load of laundry, but they did not realize that a particular sweater could not go in the dryer. The impact is that their partner’s favorite sweater shrunk, and now they are more frustrated than they were before their partner tried to help them. In this case, there was a positive intent—to help—and a negative impact—a too-small favorite sweater and a sense of frustration.

Or maybe someone had a neutral intent. They went to the grocery store and bought what was on the list but forgot that their partner had mentioned being out of coffee creamer while they were headed home. They did not intend to forget but also did not think to write it on the list. The impact was that not only did their partner not have creamer in their coffee the next morning, but they also felt ignored and like they were not listened to. In this case, there was no intent to forget the creamer; it was an accident, but the impact of feeling ignored was significant to the partner.

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How to Handle Intent and Impact in Conflict

Intent and impact are an important part of resolving conflict. They are both essential parts of the conversation, but they are not the same part of the conversation. For effective problem-solving, there needs to be space to understand both the intent and the impact of an event.

Step 1: Understand the Impact. Just like in the water example, the first thing that happened was to help the friend dry up the water and feel more comfortable. This is equivalent to understanding the impact that our actions had on someone else, whether or not we meant to create the impact. When someone is sitting there soaking wet, it does not actually matter at that moment whether we meant to spill the water or not. What matters is that they are actively being negatively affected by our actions. It is important for the impact to come first because it is actively causing discomfort or hurt. That feeling needs to be seen and accepted before the other person can be in a space to listen to how the situation happened. In conflict, helping clean up the water looks like trying to understand how the other person is feeling, acknowledging the feelings are valid, and accepting ownership of your actions that led to that impact.

For example, you might say, “I am so sorry that I shrunk your sweater. I know it was your favorite, and I totally get why you are upset right now. I would be frustrated too if roles were reversed.” Or, “I’m sorry that I forgot the creamer. I know you mentioned it when I was leaving, and I can see how not bringing it home would make you feel like I was not listening to you.”

Step 2: Understand the Intent. After the impact has been acknowledged, the next step is for both people to work to understand what the intent of the situation was. In the water example, it would not be fair for the friend to be mad that you intentionally poured water into their lap (because you didn’t), and it would be a different situation if you had picked up the water and poured it on them because they said something that upset you. Understanding the intent does not change the impact, but it does let us better understand how it happened. This part of the conversation requires the partner who was hurt to be open to listening to the other side of the story and not assuming that just because they were hurt or upset, their partner meant to hurt them. And it involves the partner who messed up to be able to share how it happened without minimizing the impact.

This might look like saying, “I really was trying to help you by doing your laundry. I know you have been busy at work, and I wanted to do something nice for you. I didn’t mean to shrink your sweater, even though that is what happened,” or “I heard you mention the creamer when I was heading out the door, and I didn’t add it to the list because I thought I could remember it. I guess I was wrong about being able to remember it though.”

This is different than defensiveness because it is still accepting ownership of the impact—regardless of the situation, the impact happened. But it is adding context to the situation. After all, accidentally shrinking a sweater is very different than intentionally shrinking it to get back at your partner after a fight.

Step 3: Accountability and Problem-Solving. After both the impact and intent are understood, you can work together to try to create a plan to keep the situation from happening again. In the water example, a folded-up napkin under the table leg kept the table from wobbling. Maybe the friend also realized that having their glass right next to the edge of the table was not the best idea and you agree to not get up quite so fast in the future. In this conversation, you have accepted both that the impact happened, and that you both want to prevent that from happening again and have accepted that the intent may not have been negative. In accepting this, there is safety for both people to work together to create a solution to help prevent a similar situation from happening in the future. This can also include making amends for the impact.

In the case of the sweater, maybe you offer to replace the sweater or maybe agree to ask what would be helpful to your partner when you see they are overwhelmed. With the creamer, maybe you both agree to make sure to write things down on the list versus trying to remember. This part of the conversation often includes statements like “How can we work together to keep this from happening again?” or “Even though I did not mean to, I know I hurt you. Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?”

Next time you have a disagreement with your partner and feel like saying, “But I did not mean to,” maybe try implementing these steps. First, understand the impact your partner experienced, and then share your intent. This might just open up the doors to working together to create a solution that helps you both feel better moving forward.