Understanding What Divides Us Can Bring Us Together

It is holiday time again. Families and friends gather together. There are last-minute preparations as the leaves fall and the air feels crisp. But underneath all of the activity something else may be percolating. There is a heightened sense of divergence seeping into our lives. I hear about it everywhere, from acquaintances and clients, and from people whose lives I casually interact with. I hear accounts of increasing disagreements over small affairs and about split-ups between those who formerly cooperated with one another. I see an increasing propensity for conflict and a parting of ways, which can be accompanied by avoidance, strife, or even litigation.

As I think about all of this, I recognize a strong link between our personal stories and what happens on a collective, societal, or world level. Often, what gets played out in culture outside of us resonates with what happens internally. I want to bring this association to our awareness. With more insight we can begin to hold a wider, freer perspective. When we stop assuming that all disappointments, frustrations, and rejections are entirely personal, then awareness allows us to step back and see things more clearly.

Psychoanalyst C.G. Jung contributed important insights to this dynamic by introducing the concepts of the personal and collective unconscious. The personal holds our unique experiences, memories, and feelings, which we can be aware of. The collective unconscious holds what are usually not aware of. It is shared by all human beings, including universal experiences and patterns called archetypes. He unreeled the dynamic interplay between the personal and the collective unconscious, and therefore how external events like turmoil, war, or social strife can profoundly influence our personal experience.

Archetypes of victims and oppressors, of the violated and violators are highlighted in current events in stark and confusing ways. Then we, as bystanders, experience strong emotions, agitation and anxiety, or a sense of existential questioning. We might unknowingly identify with the “victim” or the “oppressor” archetype. Our “shadow,” meaning feelings we are not aware of, may be activated and play themselves out in our relationships, often leading to blame and frustration.

Throughout history, people have identified with collective narratives that emerge during times of conflict. Such identification can create an “us versus them” mentality, leading to division and animosity between different groups. Extreme positions emerge, and people become more entrenched in their beliefs. Then it becomes challenging to find common ground. Often great emotional intensity is experienced during times of turmoil, leading to a reduced capacity for empathy. Fear hides underneath reactivity and blame. The world seems uncertain, and we feel alone, isolated, and scared. Such fear leads us to shut down, and to build a wall around us. Unfortunately, many unknowingly boost their self-esteem by picking on those they deem below themselves, such as foreigners, minorities, or individuals who seem different in some way.

It is important to understand that even though this dynamic can lead to conflict, our behavior, attitudes, and choices are not determined by it. Awareness of these powerful psychological forces can empower us to reflect, to develop empathy, and to engage in constructive dialogue.

Here are five “superpowers” which I find helpful in healing divergence.

The first superpower is self-awareness. Seeing what is going on inside of us is a first crucial step. Self-awareness allows the unconscious to become conscious, so that we can view our inner and outer world from a much wider perspective.

The second superpower is mindfulness, moment-by-moment non-judgmental awareness. With mindfulness we can calm down, our baseline agitation decreases, and our heart opens.

The third superpower is the mindful pause. The mindful pause is a brief practice which is extremely useful in times when we are triggered and that is certainly around the holidays. We can excuse ourselves, find a quiet place, and, for a few minutes, do the mindful pause.

Mindful Pause: 1. Recognize you have been triggered (meta-awareness) 2. Feel your body, (relaxation response) 3. Exhale to relax (activation of the vagal nerve) 4. Recognize your hurt 5. Empathize with yourself 6. Return to feeling your body breathing 7. Assess if you are ready to re-engage. You can read up on the mindful pause in my book Heartwork: The Path of Self-Compassion.

The fourth superpower is empathy as taught in an empathy circle. An empathy circle is a structured dialogue process that effectively supports meaningful and constructive dialogue. This process is simple, not meant to be therapy, and can be used in most situations where there is discord. This process increases mutual understanding and connection by ensuring that each person feels fully heard to their satisfaction.

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The fifth superpower is kindness. Kindness is a choice, especially after we find some inner calm. The purpose of our life is not limited to our personal well-being. Our acts of kindness are little deeds helping to repair our tattered web of life.

Divergence is part of our human condition. As we learn about divergence with greater awareness and get to know its collective and personal aspects, we can learn to step back. With mindfulness, we develop more equanimity and open-heartedness. The mindful pause helps us to rebalance in a time of upset. The empathy process gives us a tool to listen and talk to others in a wise way. And by dipping into the wider perspective of natural awareness allows us to maintain spaciousness, wisdom and open-heartedness no matter what life brings us.

With these tools, we can meet our holidays with kindness and care, allowing us to enjoy being alive.