Why Are Friends With Benefits on the Rise?

“In my thirty years of sexual experience, I’ve had one one-night stand, four f*ck-buddies, and no friends-with-benefits. Have I missed something good?” —A woman

Just like romantic love, friends with benefits (FWB) involves friendship and sexual attraction. So why it is criticized as mere cheap casual sex?

The Nature of Friends With Benefits

"There is in FWB a great friendship, and the other benefits are the cherry on the top. My FWB is a true friend, and we communicate on a soul level. No jealousy issues!" —A man

“I get lots of offers for FWB, I’ve been tempted, but it's just not my cup of tea. I enjoy sex, I just think that intimacy makes it better. Plus, I love morning sex.” —A woman

In FWB, partners are first of all friends, and then they add the bonus of the sexual benefit. The time between the meetings is not fixed, and the length of the relationship in its present form is not determined. In FWB, friends are sexually involved but do not consider their relationship to be romantic. The parties in FWB enter it with the understanding that their relationship will not endure for the long term. FWB depends on avoidance of turning it into another less problematic relationship, such as merely friendship, casual sex, or romance. Accordingly, people in FWB tend to have a less romanticized view of love, while believing that sex can occur independently of love. Like being in love, FWB involves significant caring but lacks a profound, enduring commitment to each other and most types of sharing.

Laura Machia and colleagues found that about one-third of participants in their study reported that their relationship did not survive its first year and the majority of those whose relationship endured beyond that later turned into a regular friendship, while the majority of those who wanted to transition into a romantic relationship did not do so. They argue that FWB is characterized by high levels of uncertainty, coupled with discrepant ideals. Thus, women are more likely than men to hope that the relationship either becomes romantic or reverts to friendship without sex, whereas men are more likely to hope that the relationship remains the same. FWB requires partners to fully discuss the rules of their relationship, but this is rarely done, thereby damaging the quality of the relationship (Machia et al., 2020).

Intimate closeness is required in FWB, but the profound intimate bond associated with romantic relationships is absent. If FWB results in a profound intimate bond, it may begin to feel incomplete, whereupon the wish to complete it arises. But such completion can shatter the relationship. Similarly, many exciting online romantic relationships are ruined the moment the two people upgrade it into an offline romantic relationship. In both cases, the satisfaction and enjoyment stem from the difference between these relationships and common committed romantic relationships. Upgrading FWB means giving up its advantages, and, as Oscar Wilde said, kills the thing we love. Consequently, FWB is often desirable in theory but fails in practice.

FWB and Romantic Relationships

“We’re not dating. We’re just friends who hang out, have fun, cuddle, kiss, and have sex. Yet, he still sends me a ‘good morning, Beautiful’, text every morning.” —A woman

“FWB is fun, and fine for a while, but less fulfilling than a relationship.” —A man

Romantic relationships involve two basic aspects: attractiveness, which is expressed in the wish to be continuously together, often in a sexual way, and genuine mutual caring, which is often expressed in friendship. Attractiveness in romantic relationships is not limited to sexual encounters but involves the wish to be together as much as possible, both inside and outside the bedroom. In flourishing romantic relationships, both aspects are profound (Ben-Ze’ev, 2019). These two aspects are present in FWB, but FWB is still not regarded as a romantic relationship. Why is it so?

FWB is a compromise in which one gives up romantic profundity and manages with being second best. This compromise can be valuable and enjoyable. In economic terms, FWB cuts the costs and reduces the revenue. It cuts an emotional cost, since there is a minimal price to pay and the relationship is relatively risk-free, unless it ruins the friendship itself. The revenue is reduced because enduring profound romantic love is excluded.

FWB blurs the boundaries between casual sex and romantic relationships, thereby generating various normative difficulties. Enduring romantic relationships should consider practical factors when living together. Loving someone is not always sufficient for deciding to live together; indeed, some people leave the one they love (here). Love and life sometimes clash and love often loses. In the (affectionate) words of Dolly Parton, "If I should stay, I would only be in your way, So I’ll go, but I will always love you.” In less extreme cases, a couple may choose the option of Living Apart Together (LAT), a different relationship that is similar to FWB in not living under the same roof, but enjoying, as Vicki Larson writes, the best of both worlds: companionship as well as independence. However, unlike FWB, LAT involves the wish to maintain the companionship of romantic relationship, and hence the independence is limited to aspects of forms of living and does not include sexuality (Larson, 2024; and here).

The temporal aspects of a long duration and continuity are central in discerning FWB from romantic relationships and LAT. Duration (the length of the relationship) and continuity (the amount of awake time that couples actually spend together) are by far smaller in FWB than in romantic relationships and LAT, but much greater than in casual sex. Similarly, there is a a tension between the ideal of freedom, often expressed in casual sex, and the ideal of commitment that is essential to enduring romantic relationships. FWB stands in between romantic relationships and casual sex: it has lesser commitment and greater freedom than a romantic relationship, and greater commitment and lesser freedom than in casual sex (Ben-Ze’ev, 2023). The commitment in LAT is similar to traditional romantic relationships, but the personal freedom is greater.

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Sugaring is somewhat similar to FWB in including both friendships and sexual benefits; however, sugaring involves also monetary benefits. A “sugar baby” is someone who receives “gifts” (including cash) in exchange for friendly company, which typically includes sex. A “sugar daddy,” a person who gives such “gifts,” is typically wealthier and older than the sugar baby. The moral complexity of sugaring is much greater than that of FWB; unlike FWB, in sugaring the two partners are of different status, and the benefits are of a different type (see here).

Concluding Remarks

"I've experienced FWB and found it quite enjoyable... and I WAS looking for sex more than friendship. Eventually, I found that the ‘benefits’ were much more enjoyable when there was friendship involved, due to a higher level of trust." —A woman

“FWB works best if it’s someone with whom you share mutual physical attraction and strong sexual chemistry, but do not feel you are compatible with in terms of having or building a romantic relationship.” —A woman

Given the restless nature of our world, the duration of FWB is also of value. Unlike marriage, FWB does not prevent its participants from looking around and finding another more fulfilling relationship. FWB is not suitable for all people or for all periods of our lives. It is particularly difficult when the friends are married and have young children. The optimal circumstances for FWB may be those of single young people and older people who have grown children. Anyway, in a successful FWB, sex is the icing on the tasty, often nutritional, cake of friendship.