Why It's OK to Want More Than What You Have

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Ever find yourself wishing you had a better life? But then you feel guilty and tell yourself you should learn to be happy with what you have. Perhaps you hear the voice in your head of someone else telling you that you should just learn to be more satisfied. Maybe you even recall hearing somewhere that if you stop wanting so much, you’ll find the path to peace and enlightenment.

Here’s the psychological news flash—not only is that wrong, but it’s also impossible.

What would the world be like if every human being was perfectly satisfied with what they had, and no one wanted anything? An idyllic utopia? Actually, all of our societies would come to a screeching halt, and we’d all be terribly bored. Wanting more is what gets us out of bed in the morning. It’s what hopes, dreams, and aspirations are all about.

It’s also the reason why one of the most robust findings in social science research, is that people are never satisfied for very long (Brickman, 1971). There have been a number of hypotheses offered to explain why we seem to be stuck on a hedonic treadmill, always reaching for the next thing, ranging from the idea that we have a set point for happiness which we always return to no matter how much we have, to unmet psychological needs.

New research, however, suggests something else. Mastroianni and Ludwin (2022), in 8 different studies, showed that if you ask people how something can be different, they will always tell you how it can be better. In other words, when people think of their life being different, they always imagine a better future. Imagining things being better, or "wanting more," is what propels societies forward. The first stone tools and the supercomputers we have today were both born from the singular thought, “Wouldn’t it be better if__?”

A large part of our brain is dedicated to reward processing. When we imagine something as better, it feels rewarding. Rewards are all the things you look forward to in life—vacations, a new home, a good meal, a new relationship. Rewards are things we believe would make our life better if we had them. When you think about rewards, the brain pumps out dopamine, which is a feel-good neurotransmitter. Anticipating something rewarding is one of the best ways to experience positive emotions.

Why is it that when we want more, we often feel negative emotions? Negative emotions come from thinking about what you don’t want. Not having what you want is something you don’t want. When you think about something you want, but then feel upset that you don’t have it or believe that, for some reason, you will never have it, you feel emotions such as sadness, disappointment, anger, or depression. The pain often associated with wanting things has nothing to do with wanting itself, but from believing you can’t have what you want.

If the desire to want things were eliminated, you would, indeed, not feel the negative emotions that come from believing you can’t have what you want, but you would also eliminate one of the most basic drives human beings have, which is to always want to experience things as better. As the Humanistic Psychologist Carl Rogers explained it, there is always a gap between who we are and who we want to be. In other words, there must always be a next.

So how can you feel happy if you can’t get off the treadmill of always wanting more?

1. Focus on growth-related desires rather than material ones. Learning, growing, and improving yourself is something that qualitatively changes and improves your experience of life. Your own growth is also something that is largely under your own control. Engage in activities that challenge you, help you learn new skills, and foster personal development. The journey of self-improvement can be immensely fulfilling and satisfying, regardless of the outcome.
2. Seek meaning and purpose. Finding meaning and purpose in our lives goes beyond the pursuit of momentary pleasures. Engage in activities that align with your values and bring a sense of fulfillment. This could involve volunteering for a cause you believe in, pursuing a creative passion, or helping others in need. By contributing to something greater than ourselves, we can derive a deeper sense of satisfaction and happiness.
3. Stop focusing on not having what you want. You have the power to notice what you are thinking about and choose to redirect your attention to think about something else. When you find yourself thinking about not yet having something you want, instead of going down that dark rabbit hole of wondering if you’ll ever get it or if you’re good enough for it, you can choose to redirect your thinking toward coming up with thoughts and ideas about how to make what you want to happen. Or, you can simply redirect your thoughts to any other subject that feels better.
4. Practice having gratitude for the present moment. One of the best things to redirect your attention to is thinking about what you already have in your life that you feel appreciative of. Take a few moments each day to reflect on what you are grateful for, whether it's a supportive network of friends and family, good health, or the beauty of nature surrounding you. Cultivating gratitude helps you recognize the abundance that already exists in your life.
5. Don’t compare yourself to others. As the saying goes, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” People often compare themselves to others, especially in today's interconnected world where social media showcases the highlights of others' lives. This constant social comparison can create a sense of dissatisfaction when individuals perceive that others have more or are doing better. It can fuel a desire for more material possessions, achievements, or status, perpetuating a cycle of dissatisfaction.

It’s important to maintain the perspective that your journey is always your own. We don’t all come out of the starting gate in the exact same place. We all have unique life experiences and biological make-ups. When you compare yourself to others, it stops you from taking credit for all that you have accomplished given your own unique set of circumstances. Your life and what you want to do with it should be focused on what makes you feel good about who you are and who you’re in the process of becoming.

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