How to Tell Whether Your Partner Is Lying

Lying is one of the most common yet devastating actions in a relationship; it can break down trust and fuel insecurity. Research finds that people lie just a little bit (zero to two times) each day, except for a few prolific liars. In one study, 88.6% of the reported lies were described as “little white lies,” while 11.4% were “big lies.”

Whether it’s a small white lie to protect feelings or a big lie to hide something major, it's important to discuss the topic of lying with your partner as a way to build an strong, honest connection. But how can you be sure your partner is lying to you?

Six Telltale Signs Your Partner Might Be Lying to You and What to Do About It

1. What they are saying doesn’t align with their actions. For example, when your partner says they don’t have feelings for their ex but you find them making excuses to have contact with them, there is incongruency between words and behaviors. How to deal with it: Ask questions to seek clarification
   
   

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   about your partner’s actions. Don’t hesitate to ask for more information or elaboration if you feel confused or unclear. This can help to alleviate any misunderstandings. Use your emotional intelligence to say what you notice in a factual, neutral, and objective way. For example, say something like, “It seems you make an effort to see her even though you say you no longer have feelings for her. I feel uncomfortable about that.”

2. You sense that there is missing information, that you do not have the full picture. When explanations just don’t seem to add up or make sense, you may be being lied to by means of what is left unsaid. How to deal with it: Resist using defense mechanisms such as denial, rationalization, or intellectualization to shove the awareness under the rug. Instead, ask direct questions and pay attention to body language such as poor eye contact or nervous gestures that may be clues to continued lying.
3. You feel uneasy, insecure and have a gut instinct that something is off. Uncomfortable sensations may be the wisdom of your body letting you know your partner is lying. How to deal with it: In my practice, clients have had dreams involving
   
   

   Source: Nastya_Gepp

   intuitions that a partner was lying that turned out to be correct. Pay attention to such signals and consider sharing them openly with your partner in a way that is grounded and not attacking or blaming. Share what you are noticing and be mindful of their response. Allow them to clarify their intentions and explain their actions.

4. You notice a shift in their need for privacy. Suddenly your partner has a password on their phone, is locking their file cabinet, needs to leave the room to answer a phone call, or has their screen facing away from you when on a device. These can be indications that they are lying or keeping something from you. They could be cheating with somebody else or hiding a behavior like sports gambling or compulsive shopping. How to deal with it: Choose a time and place to talk where you and your partner are comfortable and have no distractions. It’s best to discuss such a situation during a moment of peace and calm, rather than when you are emotionally wrought. State what you observed in a factual and objective manner. Pay attention and listen to their response.
5. You notice a lot of excuses, rationalizations, and justifications. The longer and more elaborate the explanations, the more likely you are being lied to. How to deal with it: Be clear and precise when communicating your concerns to your partner. Avoid accusing them of anything unless you have concrete evidence. Let them know how their behavior has made you feel and the impact it has had on your relationship. Use assertive communication and respond with statements such as, “That isn’t adding up to me,” or “I am having trouble believing that.” Again, notice how your partner responds.
6. Your passwords to joint financial accounts have mysteriously changed. When your partner tells you they did not change the passwords but then turns around and says they "have it covered", it might be a sign of financial infidelity, which can be an enormous betrayal of trust. Financial fidelity means that if you agree that everything is joint, you can’t have secret debt or secret assets. According to a survey conducted by TD Bank, nearly one-third of Americans are keeping a financial secret from their partner. How to avoid it: Be proactive in your communication with your partner before moving in together. As you talk about money with your partner, have honest conversations about each other’s financial needs, expectations, and relationship with money.

Source: Deen Jacobs/peopleimagesdotcome

Source: Nastya_Gepp

Help is out there

Trust is the foundation of a relationship. Deception and lies shatter trust. Everything else is built on it. There are personality traits associated with lying. A recent study shows that self-esteem, openness, conscientiousness, extraversion, and agreeableness are negatively correlated with lying, while neuroticism is positively correlated with lying.

Approaching the topic of suspected dishonesty with your partner can be challenging. However, with patience, sensitivity, and open communication, it is possible to work through it and rebuild trust. Remember to approach the issue calmly, actively listen to your partner’s responses, and focus on finding a resolution that works for both of you. If such strategies don’t resolve your concerns, seek individual counseling and/or couples therapy to access support and address the concerns in your relationship.