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Many of us spend more time and attention on our most recent major purchase (e.g., car, home, etc.) than we do on mate selection. Mate selection? Kind of analytical, right? But once we experience a few romantic failures, most of us want to find a solution that makes sense.
The Intentional Interview
Conducting an intentional interview allows you the opportunity to ask specific questions that will help you determine if a relationship is worth pursuing. We must conduct an intentional interview of every candidate who's auditioning for a leading role in the epic motion picture called Your Life. Yes, you can still entertain a few of the thousands of available extras who, though nice enough, are decidedly not star material. Have fun! But for the leading role? We have a lot riding on this production, so here are five questions to ask potential mates before taking the relationship to the next level:
- How Do You Care for Your Mental Health? The National Institute of Mental Health classifies mental illness as AMI (any mental illness) and SMI (serious mental illness). Since SMI is fairly easy to detect, let’s focus on AMI. The official number for adults with AMI is 52.9 million in the U.S. That's 21 percent of all adults who have some form of mental illness. For young adults between 18 and 25, the number is even higher, at 30.6 percent. How solid are these numbers? Well, there is room for concern because of "survey non-response." Of this group, over 10 percent refused to answer and over 22 percent were "unavailable” or “never at home." My own sense, after 30-plus years helping my clients, is that the total number of mentally ill is more like 1 in 3 of everyone out there. Some, possibly most, people may not even know they have AMI, which is why it’s important to know how your potential mate cares for their mental health. Are they in therapy? Do they meditate? Maybe they work out? What do they do to stay sane, keep focused, and function like a healthy adult?
- What Is Your Relationship History? Learning about someone's relationship history is a big part of getting to know them, and usually a fun part. Even though mental health professionals have been saying for over a century that the past is the best predictor of future behavior, I've found that past mistakes don't matter nearly so much as how the person thinks about past mistakes. Was anything learned? Any new self-awareness? New skills? Or, looking back in time, did everything fall apart for them because of the other person? If they respond in this way by taking zero accountability, run!
- Do You Have Friends? Here we mean truly significant, really close, inner circle-type friends. If they answer is no, it might be worth considering how come this charming person doesn't have any friends? All humans need social support, and without a group to offer this to someone, the risk is that your prospective partner will depend on one special relationship to meet all of their emotional needs. Guess who that's going to be? And guess who's about to get really burned out?
- What Are Your Thoughts on Sex? Just know there's a bell-shaped curve out there and you're both on it. The question is where are the two of you on that same curve. If he likes sex “x” number of times each week or month, and she likes one tenth of “x” number or 10x, well, that's not going to be sustainable, is it? The funny thing is that, in our open American culture, we never learn how to comfortably talk about this subject for fear of being judged for thinking "sex is everything" or "someone has a real sex problem." If you're uncomfortable talking about this in the context of trying to build a long-term relationship then you're not going to like what I have to say: You have to find a way to learn how to get comfortable talking about this.
- Are You Interested in Living an Abuse-Free Life? Is this person I'm so attracted to committed to building a life with me that is abuse-free and based on equality? That's a mouthful, so let's break it down a bit. Before any of us can create a truly good relationship we must first ensure that our relationship is safe. One more time because, although the words are simple, the concept is rarely practiced: safe comes before good. By "safe" we mean it's safe to share our thoughts, our feelings, and our histories with one another. This doesn't happen on a single date or even 10 dates. We normally ladder up our feelings of safety and our perception of authentic intimacy over a lifetime. It's never a box that, once checked, can be forgotten. We start slowly: "What's your favorite color?" and over time we learn to feel safe talking about our biggest personal failings. People do abuse one another physically of course, but most of the time abuse is a matter of verbal abuse, like name-calling or even a just a tone of voice that conveys contempt. Yelling, calling names, and putdowns are all red flags that should force you to declare, "I'm willing to talk about anything, but we're never talking about anything ever again if we can't do it respectfully." Failing to set (and defend) this boundary teaches the other person that abuse will be tolerated, and over time, it will only get worse. Equality doesn't mean we're the same, but it has to mean we're each of equal value and equally deserving of respect and fair play.
Ask and You Shall Receive
Most of us, eventually, want to connect meaningfully with a life partner. Asking these five questions to potential mates can increase our awareness of problems that could sabotage our efforts at having a great relationship. Mate Selection. The intentional interview. It may seem analytical, but you owe it to yourself to do all you can to obtain the type of love we all deserve.
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