How to Deal With Erectile Dysfunction

Sex is the glue that holds an intimate relationship together. So, when couples experience sexual problems, it's not surprising that all other aspects of their life together are impacted as well. Of the various sexual issues that a couple may confront, perhaps the most common, and certainly one of the most distressing, is erectile dysfunction.

The Biology and Psychology of Erectile Dysfunction

According to British psychologists Mark Allen, Alex Wood, and David Sheffield, who recently published an article in the journal Current Directions in Psychological Science, hundreds of millions of individuals worldwide have erectile dysfunction. Furthermore, it distresses not only the man who has difficulty getting or maintaining an erection but also his partner. This is why the condition has received so much attention from medical and mental health researchers.

Erectile dysfunction can be caused by a variety of biological factors. Genetics, lifestyle, cardiovascular conditions, injury, pain, and drug use can all lead to difficulty in maintaining an erection. These causes will mostly need the intervention of medical professionals. Still, there are things the individual can do to help, such as getting enough exercise and sleep, keeping a healthy diet, and limiting alcohol use.

There's also a psychological component to erectile dysfunction, with stress, anxiety, and body-image issues topping the list. Furthermore, as Allen, Wood, and Sheffield point out, one instance of erection difficulty, whether the cause is biological or psychological, can set off a vicious cycle that severely disrupts the relationship.

Cultural Scripts and Erectile Dysfunction

Cultural scripts play an important role in feeding this vicious cycle. Although they reflect widely accepted social attitudes about how people should behave and feel, they're often based on mistaken views about how the world actually works.

For instance, men are taught to evaluate their masculinity in terms of their sexual performance. They should get an erection whenever and as soon as an opportunity for sex occurs. But the reality is that erectile dysfunction can happen to any man, and it has nothing to do with his manliness. As we've already seen, a number of factors, from prescription drugs to worry to fatigue, can keep a man from getting an erection on a particular occasion.

However, such cultural scripts can lead the man experiencing an episode of erectile dysfunction into a train of negative thought. He questions his masculinity, he feels embarrassed in front of his lover, he worries that he will never get an erection again. This kind of catastrophizing then leads to anxiety and depression, making it even more likely that he'll have difficulty getting an erection again. In this way, worrying about erectile dysfunction turns into a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Cultural scripts also drive the partner into a set of thoughts and behaviors that keep the vicious cycle turning. They worry that he no longer finds them attractive or that he no longer loves them. And they wonder if he's having an affair or at least found someone more attractive. Because of negative thoughts like these, the partner feels anxious and depressed, and so they withdraw.

Eventually, this leads to a lack of interest in sex, or at least apprehension at initiating sex, for both parties, as each one fears they won't be able to perform or will be rejected. The couple then either drifts apart or settles into a sexless relationship that neither is satisfied with.

Recovering From Erectile Dysfunction

At this point, counseling may have limited success in helping the couple heal and grow together again. But there are things the couple can do when erectile dysfunction first strikes to avoid the vicious cycle of shame and resentment that so often follows. To do this, both partners need to cast off the cultural scripts surrounding it.

Sex Essential Reads

Why Autistic People Might Experience Sex in a Different Way

More Evidence Supports Two Treatments for Women’s Low Desire

First, both partners need to understand that erectile dysfunction is inevitable. It will happen at some time or another to every man, but how each person reacts at the moment can influence whether this will be a recurring problem or not. An important start is taking the attitude: "It looks like it isn't going to work this time, but we can try again later."

Even though he can't get an erection this time, the partners can still meet each other's sexual needs by other means. This requires that the couple be open to other sexual activities beyond penetrative sex as a good enough form of sexual intimacy. Indeed, it can even bring the couple closer as they show each other responsiveness and willingness to compromise.

The experience of erectile dysfunction can be quite distressing, but it doesn't have to spell the end of a couple's sex life. It just requires that each partner overcome their own personal insecurities and attend to the emotional needs of their partner instead for the good of the relationship.