8 Common Experiences of Ghostees, According to Research

In a prior article, I wrote about the experience of ghosters, or those who ghost others. But what is it like to be ghosted?

Ghosting is a very common experience in both romantic and platonic settings. Recent research suggests that over half of young adults have been ghosted by a romantic partner or interest, and a similar proportion have been ghosted by friends.

However, most research on ghosting focuses on the former experience—ghosting within romantic (and typically digital) contexts. Furthermore, almost all prior studies on ghosting have been conducted through online surveys and within majority-White samples.

Therefore, in a recent study, we examined the experiences of being ghosted among underrepresented (mostly Latinx) populations through one-on-one in-person interviews, which can capture richer, more detailed information. We also used a broad approach rather than limiting experiences to romantic or digital contexts.

We conducted in-person interviews with 29 undergraduates who mostly identified as Latinx (76 percent), Asian (7 percent), or Black (7 percent), asking about their attitudes toward ghosting, their general experiences with being ghosted, and a memorable experience of being ghosted. Through inductive thematic analyses, we identified eight themes surrounding the experiences of ghostees, or those who are ghosted:

1. Sensing Shifts in Communication

Unlike what was found in prior research, participants often reported sensing gradual shifts in communication before being ghosted. Some reported excuses, broken promises, being ignored, and being “left on read.”

Those who encountered the ghoster in person often mentioned being given the cold shoulder. Sometimes these patterns escalated to blocking by the ghoster.

One woman related her experiences of being ghosted by a new friend (p. 12): “They would ignore my texts again, they would lag, they would pretend to not see me on campus when they clearly see me or when we would have an interaction it would be very aggressive tone like, ‘Okay can we finish talking,’ so you know like that.”

2. Unreciprocated Feelings

Many ghostees mentioned unreciprocated feelings as a likely cause of their ghosting. Interestingly, sometimes they reported being ghosted because they rejected or would have rejected the ghoster. “She knows I'm straight and… she knew that it was never gonna happen, so she just quickly decided to ghost me instead of talking to me about it, instead of saying, ‘Hey I like you,’” explained one woman (p. 12).

Ghosting due to unreciprocated feelings also occurred within platonic friendships, when one person was no longer interested in continuing the relationship.

3. Incompatibility

Ghostees also attributed ghosting to various forms of incompatibility, including physical distance, fights, and clashes in personality, lifestyle, or values. A man explained that a family member ghosted him due to “just lots of fighting” and further explained (p. 13), “We never agreed with each other. I wouldn't say that one of us was the bully, we just both were mean to each other.”

Ghostees sometimes gained closure and moved on through understanding the ghosters' perspective.

Source: limo23 / pixabay

4. Stages of Grief

Ghostees seemed to grieve the lost relationship through phases somewhat similar to the stages of grief. Initial shock and confusion at being ghosted would often give way to anger and frustration and/or sadness and disappointment. Some experienced loneliness or depression. Many blamed themselves for being ghosted and/or reported feelings of worthlessness.

Ghostees were sometimes able to gain closure and move on by understanding the ghoster’s perspective. Others simply realized that there was nothing they could do but move on.

One man detailed the evolution of his emotions and behaviors after his brother ghosted him. “At first it was the, you know, the panic and then it moved to frustration, then just kinda like a sadness and then like… a quiet acceptance. I can't do anything about this at this point… I've tried, I've done everything I can, there is nothing I can do at this point… it almost sounds like something you say after someone's died, but uh it's not quite that extreme, but it-it gets easier as time goes on cuz [sic] you eventually will phase them out of your life more or less and you'll figure out… new modes and means to move on with your life, find new people to hang out with.” (p. 15).

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Unfortunately, not all ghostees were able to move on. For instance, one woman who was ghosted by a long-term boyfriend of over two years ago was too scared to enter a new relationship. “Even to this day, like, I still wonder what happened and kind of just makes me, like, feel a little self-conscious because after that I've never been with anyone else because I was afraid that the same thing would happen. Cuz [sic] I don't really know any better cuz [sic] I never got that sense of like peace, so now it's kind of just like I don't know what to do” (p. 15).

5. Various Coping Methods

To cope with being ghosted, participants reported various techniques including confronting the ghoster, taking a break from social media, unfollowing the ghoster, and seeking comfort from friends or family.

One woman explained the process of unfollowing her ghoster. “I went through [laughter] the social medias, I'm like, ‘Let me check on Instagram, let me check on Snapchat,’ and then…I was like, ‘Okay like what can I do?’ So I unfollowed them back too.” (p. 16).

6. Lost Respect for Ghoster

Ghostees often lost respect for the ghoster and would refer to them using terms like “lame,” “selfish,” “immature,” and “unreliable.” A woman explained how her opinion of her ghoster changed: “I was like, this person's immature, this person's um unreliable and inconsistent like, this is not good signals, like, he's not like for me personally. It wouldn't be like a potential interest for me because I'm like, ‘I cannot rely on you’” (p. 17).

7. Insight From Experiencing Both Sides

Interestingly, many ghostees had been on the other side as a ghoster and could thus empathize with them. Some figured that their ghoster probably had their reasons.

One woman stated (p. 17), “I was confused at first but then I-I went back and… I thought about like what I had done also, uh, in ghosting someone else. So I felt it's probably reasonable, people have their reasons for everything.”

Others felt that they should not complain due to “karma” and became more self-aware from being ghosted. “[Being ghosted] made me feel like, literally like, karma got me back… I was just like, ‘Wow how can a person do this?’ but then I was like, ‘Oh wait. I did this to another person so I shouldn't be complaining,” said one woman (p. 17).

8. Good Reasons

Most ghostees named direct communication as the best way to end a relationship. However, almost all believed that there were good reasons to ghost, such as to establish boundaries with pushy people or to prevent dangerous and potentially violent situations.

Some ghostees more strongly endorsed ghosting. For instance, several felt that despite the pain of being ghosted, their ghoster made the best decision.

A woman who was ghosted by a new friend explained, “People are gonna [sic] come to you who are not gonna [sic] be the best thing, but you're not going to realize it 'til later, and at that time it's best just to cut them off before you let things go further, and when it's done to you it doesn't feel as nice, but, hopefully like me you get closure about it and you realize that it's the best thing for everybody, even though you didn't make the decision."

What This Study Shows Us About Ghosting

Although many of our findings replicated past research regarding the often deep pain of being ghosted, we found some interesting new insights, including the role of empathy among ghostees. Some ghostees empathized with the ghoster, showing an understanding of their position and even at times endorsing their decision to ghost.

One-third of participants agreed with their ghosters’ decision to ghost them, versus half who disagreed, indicating that positive aspects of being ghosted (e.g., long-term benefits such as exiting a toxic relationship) should be further studied.

Other ghostees blamed themselves, named things that they did to warrant ghosting, or showed concern for the ghoster. Future research should explore whether these patterns might be explained by cultural values common in interdependent cultural groups (e.g., Latinx, Asian), which are often attuned to the needs and goals of close others, as well as the nuances of the situation.

Furthermore, we found that for some, empathy played a role in recovery from being ghosted. Through empathy, some ghostees were able to reach understanding and closure.

Overall, our findings suggest possible ways to cope with the pain of ghosting, including changing the ghostee’s view of the lost relationship, enhancing empathy, and promoting self-awareness of one’s own ghosting behaviors and reasons.