Which Personality Disorders Are the Best and Worst Matches?

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Have you ever wondered who would be the best match for a narcissist? Or, whether a relationship between someone diagnosed as borderline and someone diagnosed as schizoid could work? In this post, I will be sharing my knowledge about which personality disorders (PDs) might be relatively decent romantic matches and which are likely to become toxic messes.

I have been treating people with personality disorders for more than 45 years. Most of my clients are diagnosed with one of the three basic types of PDs that the object relations theorist James F. Masterson recognized—borderline, narcissist, and schizoid. As a result, I have had the opportunity to observe who people with these diagnoses choose as mates and how their relationships tend to work out.

I will be speaking in generalities because there is no room in a short post to do justice to all the individual variations. Everyone is different, and people’s relationships are not entirely defined by their diagnoses. However, there are certain issues that occurred so frequently in certain personality disorder pairings that I believe that writing about them will be useful to readers who are in these situations.

Note: I am using the terms borderline and BPD, narcissistic and NPD, and schizoid and SPD as a shorthand way of describing people who qualify for a full borderline, narcissistic, or schizoid personality disorder or one of their common subtypes.

I will start with the worst matches and end with the ones that are most likely to go well. Although many of these matches have built-in incompatibilities, I have seen some couples that have persistently stayed together despite the recurring and inevitable problems. Although my examples are of heterosexual couples, very similar issues will show up in homosexual couples with these personality disorders.

Other factors besides diagnosis play a role in the success of the relationship. In general, the more resources a couple has, the greater the likelihood that the couple can make the relationship work. High-functioning, intelligent, and successful people are likely to have more intellectual, emotional, and financial resources available to them than lower-functioning, less-successful, and less-intelligent people. The higher-functioning couples are also more likely to be able to afford couple therapy to help them solve their relationship problems.

Schizoid Woman & Malignant Narcissist Man

I have never seen a couple survive in which one member of the couple is a malignant narcissist. However, the worst possible combination is a schizoid woman and a malignant narcissist man. The schizoid woman needs a safe, trustworthy partner who will respect her personal space and autonomy, while the malignant narcissist man enjoys being sadistic, intrusive, and controlling. He will ignore his partner’s desperate (but quiet) signals that say, Please back off! Please don’t hurt me!

Here, the gender dynamic makes things even worse. The male narcissist is likely to initially mistake his schizoid partner’s difficulty speaking up for herself as feminine deference and shyness. That is fine with him. He wants her to be submissive. However, after she experiences his rage and sadism, she is likely to become very frightened and start to physically avoid him. When she must be in his presence, she will likely be silent and attempt to make herself smaller and less visible. This is the wrong strategy because he will find her attempts to avoid him insulting and start to punish her.

Schizoid Man & Borderline Woman

This combination may work in the beginning, but it is unlikely to work long term. Schizoid men tend to be attracted to the warmth and liveliness of borderline women. Borderline women are often very emotional, disorganized, and needy, while schizoid men are likely to be detached from their emotions, private, and independent. She is likely to find his appearance of calm predictability and dependability grounding at the beginning of the relationship.

Unfortunately, over time, she is likely to need more attention and reassurance of his love than most schizoid men can provide. His independence and aloofness can stimulate her fears of abandonment, while her neediness can feel intrusive to him and lead to his retreating even more.

Schizoid Man & Schizoid Woman

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This relationship can work as long as both people have made their peace with their schizoid adaptation and are not looking for more intimacy and passion than their mate is willing to provide. Most schizoid couples are somewhat emotionally cool and distant from each other. They are likely to lead somewhat separate lives and give each other a lot of space. Think of two people reading the newspaper together over breakfast or looking at their smartphones.

This relationship can work as long as both accept its inherent limitations—not much intimacy or passion—and value what it does offer—nondemanding companionship and lots of space to pursue one’s own interests.

Borderline Woman & Narcissistic Man

This can start out great as both people with BPD and NPD often bond with new lovers very quickly. In the beginning, they are likely to idealize each other as perfect and not notice any of their lover’s faults. If they are sexually compatible, the courtship period can be very satisfying to both of them.

Unfortunately, borderline women tend to believe that “Love conquers all,” while narcissistic men tend to get disillusioned with their mate as they begin to see her flaws. This means that he is likely to emotionally withdraw and become abusive as they get more involved. Then, as she senses his diminished interest, she becomes insecure and clingy. This usually ends badly: She is heartbroken, and he abruptly leaves after becoming devaluing, disillusioned, and bored.

Borderline Man & Borderline Woman

There are two basic variations of this relationship that I have seen.

Variation 1—Mutual Mothering

In this relationship, the participants feel like two baby monkeys who never got enough nurturing. They turn to each other for the attuned caretaking that they missed in childhood. This relationship may start out as romantic and sexual, but it usually turns into mutual caretaking—each seeking and offering the nurturing the other missed. One partner gets a cold, and the other lovingly rubs a vapor rub on the sick partner's chest.

Variation 2—The Wild Ride

This is likely to be a very tumultuous relationship with lots of passion and lots of bad judgment. Both participants are impulsive and reckless. Think of a stoned guy on a motorcycle riding too fast with his biker “chick” on the back. Both live in the moment, like thrills and drama, and have no real plan for the future. They have epic fights and passionate make-up sex. They are lucky if they survive this wild ride and stay out of serious trouble.

Exhibitionist Narcissist Man & Exhibitionist Narcissist Woman

This is the prototypical power couple. At their best, they bring different strengths to the table and vastly enjoy their combined ability to be the most interesting, attractive, and successful couple in the room. In essence, they have an alliance that started out as a love affair.

At their worst, they compete for the spotlight or get jealous and try to outdo each other. Or, if one member of the couple loses prestige, the other starts looking for a replacement instead of sticking around to support the now-devalued mate.

Closet Narcissist & Exhibitionist Narcissist

Here, gender is less important than the dynamic. For this to work, the exhibitionist narcissist must be “special” in some very visible way that is greatly valued by their closet narcissist partner. The closet narcissist partner devotes his or her life to playing a supporting role in this relationship. In return, he or she gets to feel special through association. The exhibitionist enjoys being idealized by their closet narcissistic mate. If neither expects more, this can work out as long as the exhibitionist stays idealizable.

Summary

When both members of a couple have a personality disorder, there are certain predictable relationship issues that are likely to become overwhelming challenges. Some pairings will be more difficult than others. However, some of these couples do find a mutually acceptable way to stay together and deal with the inevitable ongoing difficulties.

A version of this post also appears on Quora.