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Infidelity
When Couples Go to Therapy After Infidelity
A Personal Perspective: Rebuilding trust is not linear, but it can happen.
Posted February 26, 2023 Reviewed by Kaja Perina
Key points
- No one sets out to have an extramarital affair, but they happen.
- One partner "cheating" does not necessarily mean the end of the relationship.
- Couples can survive and even find their marriage stronger—but it takes a lot of work.
Once upon a time, the psychotherapeutic community believed that when one partner was sexually/emotionally unfaithful to the other, it means there was something wrong with the relationship. These days, we know that’s not necessarily the case. People cheat on their partners for a whole variety of reasons, and in many cases it doesn’t necessarily mean the end of a relationship or marriage.
Some people seek the excitement of a new affair to flee from boredom with their career, or the same-ness of years of being with their partner, or aging and needed a bit of excitement to feel young again. Some people have sexual fantasies they don’t feel comfortable sharing with their spouse.
Of course, the only thing the spouse feels is betrayal. And that can be a steep hurdle to get over.
Think about how people learn of a partner’s infidelity. Even if the “cheater” has the courage to speak up about it, the knowledge of the affair is still shocking and painful. And there’s a whole different dynamic involved when a partner finds out about the cheating by accident.
As an aside, I’ve always found it interesting that many people having extramarital affairs often take great risks—so much so that I wonder if they really want to be found out. I know about two partners being in bed together, one of them thumbing through his iPad looking for hookups, of partners with shared telephones leaving incriminating messages, of phones left lying about with the dating app open. Obviously these are the most blatant signs of things in the relationship shifting and changing.
So… what happens next?
The first thing to do, once there’s been a mutual commitment to each other, is for the person who’s been unfaithful to be both honest and patient. Honest because there’s been a practice of dishonesty that has to be overcome. Patient because the spouse must be able to go through a process of grieving, anger, and distrust… and do it at their own speed. It will take a multitude of conversations; it will bring out a whole lot of insecurities. In a sense, this process is very much one of “two steps forward, one step back.” Every time something happens—someone coming home late from work—the other partner will find themselves triggered, again and again. Only time and consistency will bring any comfort to these situations. Time, and the ability for the couple to allow the person who wasn’t unfaithful to be as vulnerable as they wish, and to give them the daily reassurances that they need.
And while that’s happening, the partner who was unfaithful is getting more and more impatient with the process. The real challenge is that progress is never linear, it involves a lot of slipping back even as the couple moves ahead.
There’s a practical side to the work, as well. The person who had the affair must be willing to completely expose areas of their life they would prefer to keep private, to open up all their phone and computer use in order to demonstrate that nothing is happening.
Then there are some basics that are relevant for everyone: spend more quality time together; work on intimacy (including non-sexual intimacy) while understanding that it will take time to rebuild certain aspects of your sexual life together. The relationship is sacred and how both partners speak about it needs to be considered and agreed upon. This unit is primary and must now always come first.
All this is possible. Friends can become supportive; individual therapy along with couples’ work is helpful as well.
Beyond infidelity
For me, the most powerful point is when the couple is ready to address whatever it is that made the relationship stale in the first place. I’ve seen this in my clients time and time again. And what I see then is the potential for a much stronger relationship.
Infidelity is something that people judge automatically. The unfaithful person is labeled, and family and friends ten to flock to the other partner, even become angry with them for staying in the relationship.
But when a couple has built a life together, possibly with children, that foundation can offer ample reasons for them to stay together. After all, it’s easy to end a relationship—but where does that get anyone? The same issues will come up again in the next relationship. I tell couples that now is their opportunity to do the work and see what happens.
I am always optimistic; that’s my stance. When a couple wants to come to therapy together, it’s usually a good sign. (There is of course a caveat; some people just want to fry their partners. I can tell based on how much hatred exists between both partners and whether the cheated one is invested in getting beyond it or wants to justify that their anger is valid. If this is the only mode they’re hanging on to, then therapy isn’t going to work for them.)
Decent relationships still are decent relationships. I can generally sense how much progress a couple will make. But I’m still an optimist: if a couple is willing to work together to overcome an instance of infidelity, it’s not only possible for them to recover their relationship, it can in many cases make the relationship stronger.
