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Key points
- It’s common for one partner to refuse to go to couples therapy.
- Threatening to get a divorce if your partner doesn’t go to therapy isn’t a good idea.
- Relationships are like a dance. When you change your steps, your partner naturally changes their steps.
It’s common for one partner to refuse to go to couples therapy. But it often leaves the other partner feeling frustrated and desperate to fix the relationship. If your partner isn’t willing to go to couples therapy, is there any hope for improving your relationship?
The good news is, you have the power to change your relationship even if your partner isn’t invested in therapy. I've seen it happen firsthand many times. In every chapter of my book, 13 Things Mentally Strong Couples Don’t Do, I share stories about my therapy clients who changed their relationships. In many of those stories, I never met the person’s partner. The individual who came to therapy created positive change in their relationship without ever getting their partner to set foot in couples therapy.
Why Your Partner Might Resist Couples Therapy
It may be tempting to conclude your partner’s disinterest in couples therapy means they don’t care about your relationship. But that may not be the case. There are many valid reasons why people refuse therapy and it rarely means they don’t care.
Here are some common reasons people decline couples counseling:
- “It costs too much money.”
- “I don’t like airing our dirty laundry. I want to keep our problems private.”
- “I am worried that we’ll fight and it may make things worse.”
- “Couples only get therapy when they’re on the brink of divorce. Our problems aren’t that bad.”
- “The only couples I know who went to counseling broke up. I’m afraid we’ll break up too.”
- “I don’t want our friends and family to find out. They might think we can’t get along.”
- “I’m afraid it won’t work.”
- “I’m embarrassed to see a therapist.”
- “I’m uncomfortable talking about my feelings.”
- “I’m afraid they’ll ask us to do corny exercises that feel awkward.”
- “I think a therapist will take your side and you’ll gang up on me.”
- “I know I’ve made mistakes and I don’t need someone to remind me of that.”
Those are all valid fears and concerns that may prevent your partner from going to therapy. It doesn’t necessarily reflect how they feel about you or your relationship.
Validate your partner's concerns and show that you heard what they said. Even if you don't agree with their reasoning, say something like, "I understand you don't want to go because you think it will make things worse."
Invite Your Partner With a Positive Attitude
If the topic of couples therapy has been a sore subject for a long time, you may not want to keep bringing it up. Instead, you might just skip to going to therapy for yourself.
If, however, you've never brought it up or it's been a long time since you've discussed it, ask one time with an optimistic attitude.
Keep the conversation positive and explain what you’d like to work on in treatment. Don't tell them what they need to accomplish by attending therapy.
Try saying something like, “I think couples therapy might be a good idea for us. I’d love to learn how to communicate better and solve problems without walking away every time I get upset. What do you think?”
If your partner declines, don’t argue. Begging, nagging, and lecturing will only make things worse. Respect that for now, they don’t wish to go.
Avoid giving an ultimatum too. Threatening to get a divorce if your partner doesn’t go to therapy isn’t a good idea.
Even if you drag your partner to therapy, if they are angry about being there, you aren’t likely to see the changes you’re hoping to gain from therapy.
Instead, let your partner know that you plan to go to therapy regardless. If they don’t want to go with you, go on your own.
Let the therapist know that you are invested in improving your relationship and your partner isn’t interested in attending. Schedule an appointment and start treatment.
Improve Your Relationship on Your Own
Whether you’re hoping to reignite your romance or you want to address your disagreements on parenting issues, going to therapy on your own can help.
Relationships are like a dance. When you change your steps, your partner naturally changes their steps. When you start doing things differently, your partner’s behavior will shift.
Couples get into patterns of behavior that get repeated. When you change how you respond, communicate, manage your emotions, or solve problems, you help both you and your partner break free from old patterns and develop new ones.
That’s not to say your changes won’t be met with resistance. Your partner may work harder than ever to draw you into arguments or to get you to resort to your old tricks. But if you stick with your new behavior, over time, you’ll likely see a shift.
Getting help for yourself can be one of the most effective ways to improve your relationship, even when you think your partner is the one who has the problem. Talking to a professional might empower you to create the changes you need to develop a healthier, happier relationship.
To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
