14 Tips for Managing Holiday Grief

Source: Kristin Meekhof

“Stories do not end.” –Anaïs Nin

We are all here living out our stories and for many, loss intersects them. When this happens, the language of emptiness frames the pauses. The stories we tell ourselves are as equally important as the ones our loved ones left for us to share.

Perhaps your story is one that has you living near an emotional fault line, or it toggles between one of infinite strength and emotional fallout. Whatever your story might be, during this time of the year it is bittersweet.

After all, grief activates different feelings for people, even within the same family. No two experiences and stories of loss are the same. Two children may process the death of their sibling in a completely different manner. And your own reactions to grief might surprise you as well.

Grief can be messy, so here are 14 tips for managing it this holiday season.

1. Choose compassion over comparison. Be careful with comparisons and emphasize compassion. When you start comparing your life to the ones of someone you know or don’t know, your “inner- critic” can emerge. Your critical thoughts can sabotage the healing progress you’ve made and hinder you from strengthening your relationships with yourself and others. Instead, practice self-compassion. Remind yourself at this moment, you’re doing the best you can do.

2. Practice a mindful approach with social media. While certain social media posts can help to support your healing, other content can leave you feeling raw. Suddenly, you may find yourself wishing you were invited to a gathering, or you realize you are overlooked for a gift-giving experience. Feelings of isolation and loneliness can creep into your mind and body.

3. Practice acts of kindness. Helping others can provide a boost of endorphins leaving you feeling uplifted. According to science when you help others your brain releases the chemical dopamine and it can leave you with a feel-good feeling known as a “helper’s high.”

4. Be careful with the alcohol. While you may think having a few “holiday spirits” will take the edge off your anxiety, remember alcohol is a depressant. It may have a negative effect on your mood. And hours later, your mind and body may not feel calm.

5. Set doable goals. Don’t set yourself up to fail with gifts or other events. In the moment, an idea for a terrific gift or event can fuel excitement and even provide a distraction. However, it can also be a source of stress. When it comes down to implementing the dinner or obtaining the gift, you may find yourself in a state of overwhelm. Instead, write out your ideas and the steps, including costs, it will take to complete.

6. Focus on small, good things. The season tends to emphasize abundance in material items. And regardless of your budget, it can create a sense of never being able to do enough. What you focus on tends to grow, figuratively speaking. If your attention is drawn to the small, good things that you or others, including your own children, are doing it can help to elevate your mood.

7. Practice gratitude. Identifying things and people you’re thankful for will help you shift your mind to things that are amplifying your mood. Seeing your day through the lens of gratitude will remind you of positive things and people still do exist.

8. Seek professional help. A professional in a group or individual setting can give you a healthy perspective on your loss. They can help guide you through the tough waves of sadness.

9. Do things in small doses. If there’s someone you can’t avoid seeing this season, practice engagement in small doses. You can wrap up a conversation with “I hope you’ll excuse me, but it is hard for me to be here,” and then take a mini-break. If there’s an emotionally painful task, try doing it in bite-size chunks.

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10. Set a zone of privacy. Create a boundary for what you will and won’t discuss with others. Remember, it is both your story and choice to share what you’re feeling and doing. People who are emotionally distant may feel the need to start up a conversation with you. Suddenly you may start sharing your thoughts and end up leaving the conversation emotionally depleted.

11. Give yourself a pass. Even if you’re in the driveway or at the event, and things seem uncomfortable, to the point that you feel panic, step away. Ask yourself, “Is staying here going to add value to my story?” The few minutes you feel uncomfortable leaving can far outweigh the hours you sit there feeling vulnerable.

12. Create your own moments. In your day or week, give yourself something to look forward to. It may be the five minutes you listen to a favorite playlist or the few minutes you play a word game. When you set aside time to do what you want each day, you’re giving yourself that is predictable and fun.

13. Give yourself some credit. It takes courage to grieve. A part of your grief is good because it reaffirms your connection to your loved one is full of love. We don’t grief people, situations that we don’t love with our entire being.

14. Write a card or letter for your loved one. Since my father died in 1979 (I was two weeks shy of turning five) I missed out on decades of choosing cards (birthdays, holidays) for him. At first, when I started selecting cards for my late father during the Christmas holiday, I felt silly. I even looked over my shoulder to make sure someone I knew didn’t see me. And yet with this simple act, it helps me tell a story of what my father still means to me.

And if you know someone who is suffering this season, do reach out to them. Become a part of their story. Don’t be afraid to say their loved one’s name because when you remember to say their name you are sharing their story.