Hope for the Unlikable

The belief that you are unlikable is a painful one. It leads to thinking that whatever makes you different or unique is also what makes others not particularly interested in asking you out for coffee or remembering your birthday. Although others may not dislike you, they do not prefer you either.

The first step in addressing this problem is to realize that it is a version of reality that you have constructed. This is not to say that it is not valid to feel this way, especially when others have mistreated you. However, your internal beliefs about yourself impact your well-being and how you interact with others. These beliefs are also strengthened by how you perceive situations that come up in daily life. For example, someone who believes themselves to be unintelligent will perceive every little forgettable mistake as scathing evidence that they are not very capable.

Recognizing that your perceptions might be different from others' way of understanding the same situations will help you step outside the whirlwind of emotion and objectively view what is making you feel lousy. You do not have to think that you are “wrong” or “crazy” to consider that there might be another way of interpreting a situation. In fact, seeing the world through the lens of your beliefs makes you neither wrong nor crazy. Rather, it is part of being human. Showing awareness that different perspectives exist is liberating in the sense that there is hope for feeling better about yourself.

Believing You Are Unlikable Might Come From Over-Relying on Others to Determine Your Self-Worth

Relying on others for your self-worth reflects the internal belief that you must be liked by others to be seen as valuable or good enough. This leads to more anxiety and a relentless striving for others' approval.

If you are a habitual approval seeker, you have probably experienced quite a bit of frustration and resentment. This is because relentless striving for the approval of others not only leads to more painful rejection experiences, but also to behaviors that might unintentionally drive others away.

For example, in the past I noticed that when I got stuck in the need-to-be-liked rut, I had more trouble saying “no” to others. Eventually, I would start to feel resentment that I was giving more than receiving in friendships. This led to feeling cranky, which might have led to behaviors such as being short with friends or not being as responsive as I normally would have been. Of course, this chain of events leads to feeling even more unlikable.

Where Do These Beliefs Come From?

According to cognitive psychologist Aaron Beck, we develop ways of thinking about ourselves, the world, and others that are known as schemas (e.g. Persons, 2008). The conviction that you are unlikable—and its cousin, the belief that you "must be" liked or loved—are examples of schemas. Schemas become more problematic when they are "activated" by life events. For example, the belief that mistakes are intolerable may be activated if you are scolded or fired. You might then react by avoiding challenges (in order to avoid more criticism), not trying (so that you can tell yourself you failed because you did not put in the effort), or over-compensating, such as being overly critical of others before they can criticize you.

Following are some suggestions for ways to start breaking the unrelenting cycle of approval seeking, which will help you reframe thoughts of being unlikable.

1. Remind yourself of the difference between unlikable and disliked. Try to recall others' behaviors and consider the evidence that they do not actually dislike you. For example, you might realize that the person who snubbed you at a social event was dealing with a stressful situation at the time. If you realize that you are not disliked but still feel unlikable, consider whether what you are actually seeking is popularity. Then, remind yourself that achieving popularity is not a requisite for being successful, helping others, or being happy.

2. Catch unhelpful thinking styles. Your perceptions shape your reality, but this might differ from the actual reality. If your reality tends to be gloomier than objective evidence would suggest, the culprit is likely an unhelpful thinking style. Unhelpful thinking styles relate to Albert Ellis’ concept of cognitive distortions, or biases in thinking that negatively impact mood (e.g. Ellis & Dryden, 1997).

Consider and try to catch unhelpful thinking styles such as:

• Personalization, or the tendency to think that you are to blame for bad situations rather than blaming the situation itself.
• Jumping to conclusions, or the tendency to make assumptions about others’ thoughts, feelings, or intentions. A classic example is looking at a tired person's face and assuming they are angry with you.
• Emotional reasoning, or the tendency to assume that your feelings reflect reality—for example, that feeling foolish means that you are a fool.

Once you catch an unhelpful thinking style, use healthier self-talk to reshape reality, such as, “maybe they are just tired," or "this feels weird, but that does not mean I am weird."

3. Monitor your social behavior. Ironically, habitually striving for others' approval may unintentionally lead to behaviors that are socially unappealing (Lynch, 2018). Examples include excessive head-nodding and smiling, which can be interpreted as disingenuous. Also, feeling and acting high-strung can come off as intimidating to others, and it could lead you to unintentionally act in other ways that do not invite positive social response, such as not accepting a compliment. On the other hand, if you avoid others out of concern that you will not be liked by them, this sends a message that you are not interested in interacting.

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If you are trying too hard to please, bring yourself back to what you care about, such as focusing on activities you enjoy at a social event, nature (if you are outside), or an interesting topic brought up in conversation. The point is to redirect your focus away from thoughts about what others think about you, and to bring yourself back to what interests you. If your instinct is to avoid interacting, gently resist this urge with a positive social behavior, such as giving a compliment or show of thanks. If others do not respond positively, there are many other fish in the sea. Have faith that you will find people whose approval you do not need to work so hard to gain, and that those will be the friends worth keeping.

4. Face your fear of not gaining another's approval. While it is healthy to want to be liked, it is unhealthy to feel you need to gain others' approval at all times. Therefore, exposure to not gaining others' approval may help you learn what it feels like to balance trying to gain others' favor and preserving your sanity. Ways to expose yourself might include saying "No" or "I can't" in response to requests, or politely disagreeing with someone's opinion when it feels genuine to do so.

If all else fails, keep in mind that there is no rule that your worth as a person is dependent upon how much positive regard others give you. This is a formula created by your thinking, and fueled by how you think about your life experiences and societal expectations. You have the power to change that rule to one that embraces the diversity of human personalities.