Matchbox Twenty's "Unwell": A Window Into Early Psychosis

Music has always been a big part of my life. Growing up in the 90s I was lucky to encounter some real-to-life, catchy pieces, including Matchbox Twenty's song "Unwell".

After its release in 2002, I mindlessly sang it on the school bus. Yet, it wasn't until two years after it was released, after my first psychiatric hospitalization that I understood the lyrics. In a way, I felt the lyrics understood me. Listening to the song, it felt like one that "got" what I was going through. At a time of feeling alone, this meant a lot.

"All day starin' at the ceilin' makin'
Friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices tellin' me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for somethin'"

"Unwell" details a person's experiences with the personal and social aspects of mental illness. They speak about paranoia, hearing voices, trouble sleeping, and visions. These are common experiences for a person in the early stages of psychosis. As many as 1 in 10 people may hear a voice at some point in their lifetime (Beavan et al., 2011), or have other symptoms of psychosis, yet these are not often talked about making it frightening for many.

"But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay a while and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me"

I said those exact words, "But I'm not crazy" over and over in my first years receiving mental health treatment. To me, there was this cliff between normal and insanity. Being given a significant mental health diagnosis made me feel other, almost unhuman. It felt as though my perceptions of the world didn't count as much. I wanted people to know I was still there.

While common, experiences of psychosis are often misunderstood in our culture, particularly in movies and popular media. We may think of a person transforming into a "crazy" person. Yet, nothing could be further from the truth. Psychosis can make it difficult to express yourself as you once have. Still, it is a very human experience. It does not change the core of who you are.

"I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be, me"

In the early days after my hospitalization, I withdrew quite a bit. Going to school proved difficult. It took time to find the right medication and I felt off-balance. I wasn't around as much, but I hoped people would remember me from "before."

After a major mental health challenge, it is normal for someone to isolate. It is exhausting, and many feel shame. If you have a friend or family member going through something like this, one of the best things you can do for them is to show them that you still see them as who they are, to still do the things you always have, and be there are they re-emerge.

"I'm talkin' to myself in public, dodging glances on the train
And I know, I know they've all been talkin' about me
I can hear them whisper, and it makes me think
There must be somethin' wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinkin', somehow I've lost my mind"

Returning to school after my last hospitalization in my adolescence, I remember how people reacted to my odd behaviors. Some people made fun of me. It felt like there was this invisible wall, that people saw me differently, and I also felt so different.

As a person struggles against paranoia they may act differently. In turn, those around the person react. This can be hurtful, particularly when people do not understand or respond with fear or poke fun at it. The idea that you could have lost touch is terrifying. During something like this, people need support.

If you see someone in public talking to themselves, it might be tempting to stare or judge. Don't. Hearing voices can be an intensely difficult experience. Even someone yelling back at their voices is unlikely to become violent. They are going through something. Mental illnesses are just as much health conditions as epilepsy, diabetes, or any other health challenge. Looking up and seeing shielded glances can leave someone feeling hurt, exposed, and judged while they also wrestle for their health.

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"I've been talkin' in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me
Yeah, they're takin' me away"

None of my hospitalizations were enjoyable. While hospitalization is often necessary when dealing with a mental health crisis, it can be traumatic. Being in a locked setting can take away some of your control after you've already lost some. Ironically, in inpatient treatment, there is also usually close monitoring which can be unsettling for anyone, but especially someone dealing with paranoia.

Nonetheless, treatment often leads to recovery. It has been 20 years since my last hospitalization. Many people experiencing significant mental health challenges including psychosis get better and return to their lives.

"How I used to be
Well, I'm just a little unwell
How I used to be
How I used to be
I'm just a little unwell..."

For me, recovery took time. It takes time for almost everyone. Still, bit by bit, I reassembled life. I found meaning in my experiences and these lifted my sense of compassion for others struggling inspiring me to become a therapist.

The recovery process is rarely easy. If you are going through it, know that you are not alone. You can work through this. If you love someone going through it, remember who they are and be there with them. Remember how they used to be, and who they hope to be. We all grow and change. For some, mental health conditions can be like a portal of rapid change for someone both in terms of losses and growth.

In Closing

Capturing mental health conditions in music, especially more esoteric ones such as those associated with psychosis may serve to help build awareness and normalize these experiences. I am grateful for Rob Thomas and Matchbox Twenty's contributions in this work. It helped at least one person know she wasn't alone.