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We are regularly asked what we think about and how we deal with the "dark side of empathy." An important question because empathy is not all about being good. It shouldn’t be confused with kindness or with sympathy.
Empathy is neutral. It can be used for good or to hurt or manipulate. By understanding someone deeply, you could use that understanding to achieve many different outcomes—not all of them in the best interests of the other person with whom you empathize.
For this reason, a dose of empathy is as good as the motivations or intentions of the empathizer.
Empathy, and similarly self-empathy, becomes useful to you and those you work with when it is applied as a means to an end. Attentive empathy based upon attentive self-empathy helps you to understand the thoughts, feelings, and actions of others so that you can interact with them efficiently and effectively. Hence, the outcome of the empathic and self-empathic interaction is better served if it is guided by a skilfully articulated intention.
One should always check in with the motivations underlying intentions. What are you hoping to achieve by empathizing with this person? Does it serve their best interests? How does it serve your own interests?
Running your intentions and motivations past your conscience is a good practice.
Intentions act as a roadmap guiding your will and actions with a particular focus. Self-empathy, as a practice, lays the foundation for specific outcomes in your life. Hence, you notice your inner life of thoughts and feelings and any evaluations and judgments that emerge because you want to transform yourself in response to other people.
We said it before: Judgments and evaluations automatically emerge in your mental life as a function of your belief system. They are molded by your context and life experiences and usually form early in your life when your reasoning abilities are still immature. They may have formed as a defense to challenging life events. Later in life, the judgments and evaluations that emerge as an automatic response are guided by these previously formed mental images.
The practice of suspending judgment, the act of noticing, recognizing, and naming your judgments and evaluations and allowing the experience of it to pass through, enables you to be more aware of the judgments and how they might relate to aspects of your belief system.
Once you have noticed your thoughts and feelings, become aware of and are able to suspend your judgments, you are likely to gain insight into aspects of how you are in the world and how you present yourself. In a sense, you are gaining perspective on yourself as though you were another person. From this perspective, you get a more "outsider view" of yourself. You may realize that you and others would be better served if you were different in the world. At this point, this insight gained about yourself leads to a personal intention.
Personal intention-setting practice
At this stage, you may again notice the intense bodily sensation that was experienced during the active sensation exercise. You revert your awareness to the meaningful name given to it. You also reflect on the evaluations that were noticed, recognized, and named. In reflecting on each of these dimensions, you determine what you need or what is being asked of you. The insight gained in relation to the need is converted into an intention for yourself.
Choosing to create an intention for yourself leads you to identify the inner resources you need to create a conducive space to support or care for others in your life. It speaks directly to the inner resources you need to be present to the other person.
Attending to self
Attending to self follows naturally in response to the intention set by you. With self-empathy, you have noticed and identified the reaction causing tension and stress. You have become aware of your inner state, corresponding to the tension and stress. In the process, you have carved an inner space for your mind within your body.
Attending to self requires that you follow through and fulfill the intention you set.
There are many ways to attend to the self. You may notice that in response to feeling sad, you need a comforting hand on your heart. In response to fatigue, a moment of rest with your eyes closed. If you are feeling criticized, a word of encouragement to yourself may calm the inner turmoil. When feeling joy at accomplishing a task, you may deliberately notice the energy it brings you and carry it along to the next task ahead.
Through the process of suspending judgment, attending to self, and setting intentions, you develop an intimate understanding of yourself. This understanding can then be used to achieve different outcomes. It is up to you how to direct your motivations and intentions in such a way that the empathy you use to gain experience of the lifeworld of other people is of benefit. It is not the empathy that is inherently light or dark. Your empathic skills and their results are intimately linked to your own personal way of being and intending in the world.
This post is the fifth in a series of six on self-empathy. Do check out the previous four and the one to follow to enhance your picture of self-empathy.
