The Psychology of Sexual Novelty

Source: Yuri A / Shutterstock

Open just about any women’s or men’s magazine, and you’ll likely find an article on ways to spice up your sex life. We see and hear it so much that our eyes will likely glaze over the headline. But, like it or not, research tells us that novelty is an important predictor of long-term sexual satisfaction. Understanding the psychology of sexual novelty might make it easier to attain.

Humans like stability and predictability, but we also crave novelty. It can be hard to reconcile these two seemingly opposing forces within a long-term partnership. The fact is, we are born curious and ready to explore the world around us. Novelty gives us a surge of dopamine, the reward chemical, which means that our brains naturally seek it out. According to curiosity researchers, four-year-olds ask an average of 400 questions per day, while middle schoolers ask an average of two questions per day. So what happens over time that causes us to stop exploring, particularly in the erotic realm?

Research suggests that passion fades in monogamous relationships due to a phenomenon known as the Coolidge effect, whereby sexual interest is only aroused when a new partner is introduced. Add to that sexual inhibition caused by things like culture, religion, past negative experiences, gender socialization, trauma, and poor self-esteem, and many people feel left with scant tools to add excitement. Search the internet, and you’ll be lucky to come across a good list of new things to try, but sexual novelty is about more than that. Let’s explore some elements of the psychology of sexual novelty you may not have considered.

1. Less is more. Did you know that it doesn’t take much to ignite the spark? A lot of people think they have to make the leap from vanilla sex to bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadomasochism (BDSM), but the research doesn’t support this notion. There is a phenomenon known as the challenge/skills balance that suggests we only need to do something four percent different from what we usually do to get “in the zone.” I write about this extensively in my new book, Anatomy of Desire, but essentially, when we do something too far out of our comfort zone, we feel anxious and scared. When what we are doing is too monotonous, we feel bored. Magic happens when the novelty of our actions is just four percent different from the norm. If, for example, you typically stabilize yourself on your forearms when in the missionary position, see what happens when you extend one arm and use it to hold your partner’s hand or the back of their head. As an added benefit, you’ll likely find that focus tightens. Why? Well, new things draw our attention. This is a wonderful bonus since so many people (especially women) struggle to focus during sex.

2. Change your mindset. You may have heard of a growth versus fixed mindset, but how much do you know about the difference between sexual destiny beliefs and sexual growth beliefs? People who hold sexual destiny beliefs assume the amount of chemistry or sexual compatibility experienced early in a relationship defines it forever. In other words, they have a "set it and forget it" mentality, which makes it unlikely they'll try new things. People who hold sexual growth beliefs know that the quality of their sex life is a direct function of how much work they put into it. These kinds of people experience more relationship satisfaction, higher sexual satisfaction, more sexual desire, and more positive overall well-being. In other words, people with sexual growth beliefs lean into the experience of intentionally creating novelty because they know doing so will keep the sexual spark alive.

3. Try new things outside the bedroom. Look beyond ubiquitous “tips and tricks” and notice the effect that expanding your relationship outside the bedroom has on how you feel inside the bedroom. This is rooted in research known as “self-expansion.” This area of study found that couples who tried something new, like shucking an oyster for the first time, were 36 times more likely to have sex. Not only were these couples more sexually satisfied, but they felt happier in their relationships, too. What’s more, the results were sustained over time. When we do something new as an individual or part of a partnership, we tap into new and exciting parts of ourselves. Therein lies the novelty.

Embracing the psychology of sexual novelty can be a transformative approach to enhancing long-term sexual satisfaction. By understanding that even small changes can reignite passion, fostering a growth mindset towards sexual experiences, and exploring new activities outside the bedroom, couples can effectively balance stability and novelty. These strategies not only promote a more fulfilling sex life but also contribute to overall relationship happiness. As research indicates, maintaining a spark in a monogamous relationship requires intentional efforts and a willingness to explore new dimensions of intimacy. So, instead of scrolling past yet another article on spicing up your sex life, consider these unconventional strategies as pathways to a more vibrant and satisfying partnership.