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Key points
- One of the advantages therapists have is seeing your problems through the lens of a neutral outsider.
- It's important to define problems concretely, look for patterns, and sort out problems of skill vs. emotions.
- By stepping back, finding the problems under the problem, you can discover what keeps you from solving it.
While you will probably never fake being a neurosurgeon, an airline pilot, or even a therapist, of the three, the therapist may be the easier. Yes, therapists go to graduate school for several years because there is much to learn, but at a basic level, part of what makes therapy effective is that the therapist, as the neutral outsider looking through a particular lens, can see things you can’t. But that being said, there are specific basic skills you can apply that may help you in your everyday life and relationships. Here’s my list of the top seven:
#1: Define your problems as clearly as possible
"I want us to be happy, communicate better, and have my kids behave." These are understandable problems but essentially unsolvable. To tackle a problem, you need to boil it down to an image or behavior: What does being happy, communicating better, or having your kids behave look like? By moving towards the concrete, you have something solid to strive for.
#2: Make language explicit
Just as making problems clear helps you know what to concretely strive for, making language clear helps draw out underlying emotions. This can be helpful for you, but it is especially useful if you’re helping a friend, child, or partner. When your friend says they’re “okay” and you ask what okay means, they emotionally drill down—they’re bored, mildly upset, better than yesterday. Explicit language is the gateway to more explicit emotions, and more explicit emotions are the gateway to defining the problem and solution.
#3: Think like an adult and ask hard questions
Just as your doctor compares your current physical state to those of other healthy adults, therapists, in their more objective, outsider stance, do the same, allowing them to ask the hard questions: If you’re complaining that you’re constantly arguing with your partner, why don’t you stop? If you hate your job, why don’t you quit and look for another? If you want to go to college or make pizzas, what stops you?
The key here is stepping back and taking problems at face value, wondering why, as an adult, you or the person you’re talking with can’t do what they want to do.
#4: Look for the problem under the problem
Usually, the answer is that there’s an underlying problem: You can’t stop arguing because you get triggered by a previous conflict or trauma; you don’t quit your job because you fear that you can’t find another. What we often label as problems in ourselves—not paying your bills on time—and in others—your partner’s drinking—are usually bad solutions to other problems. Your partner is drinking because he is depressed or stressed about a current problem; you’re not paying your bills, which may be a symptom of AD/HD or anxiety about your credit card debt.
You always want to dig down and look for the obstacle under the problem that keeps you from moving forward to put the problem to rest.
#5: Sort skills vs. emotions
Most often, problems can be broken down into two types: those driven by a lack of skills and those by emotions: Your son isn’t doing math homework because his teacher is moving too fast; you feel underpaid but resist asking your supervisor for a raise. You want to drill down and find the culprit: Your son can't grasp the skills and needs outside help; you're afraid of asking for a raise because you fear conflict or your depression. Rather than beating yourself up for not doing anything, find out why you're not doing anything to move forward: Is it about skills or emotions or both?
#6: See control as anxiety
Sometimes, control is about raw power, ego, and dominating others—these are the power-hungry bullies of the world, but they are the minority. In most close relationships, the driver is anxiety—I’m worried, and if I can get you to do what I want you to do, I’ll feel better. What your partner or child hears is not anxiety but control. They feel micromanaged, which, in turn, stirs resentment and a power struggle.
If you’re the one feeling controlled, try seeing the other's control as anxiety. Rather than saying, “Leave me alone,” ask, “What are you worried about?” If you’re the controller, help others understand your worry.
#7: Look for patterns
Our close relationships are driven by how we’ve come to bounce off each other and form patterns. Some patterns are neutral or productive—how we work together when cooking—while some are destructive—how we argue. Thinking and looking for behavioral patterns are helpful in two ways: One is that it helps you separate that unusual event—the “perfect storm”—from a more regular pattern that needs to be addressed. You get into a stupid argument with your partner but realize later that it was atypical because you both were stressed and exhausted; you let it go. But if it happens on a regular basis, an ongoing pattern, maybe it’s time to take action.
Recognizing negative patterns in patterns is also the key to mending relationships. The therapeutic mantra here is that the pattern is always more powerful than the people. Rather than focusing on getting the other to change, focus instead on the pattern—the way you both get triggered and go on autopilot. Then, focus on changing your side of the behavioral equation—how you flare up or shut down. Change your behaviors, which, in turn, will help the other person change theirs as well.
There you have it, a possible foundation for looking at your problems and relationships in hopefully a different and more productive way. See where you have the most trouble, and experiment with tackling those problems one at a time. Keep in mind it’s not about doing it right; it’s about doing it differently.
References
Taibbi, R. (2022). Doing family therapy, 4th ed. New York: Guilford.
