“Be Strong!”: What Not to Say to a Grieving Person

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You Don’t Need to Be Strong When You’re Grieving

Recently, upon hearing that my beloved Golden Retriever had died, an otherwise amiable and well-meaning person teared up a bit and said, “Be strong.” While there may be cultural differences in one’s response to another’s grief, telling the grieving person to be strong is one of the worst responses a person can have. It effectively shuts down the grieving person’s emotions. While this may make the situation more comfortable or tolerable for the listening individual, it definitely does not benefit a person who is grieving.

As a psychologist as well as a human being who has experienced significant losses in recent times, I can tell you that this is not what you want to say in this situation.

Disenfranchised Grief

There are many types of emotional loss and situations we grieve. Grieving over the loss of a loved one, whether a person or a beloved pet, is a normal human response. Disenfranchised grief involves grief for which the larger society (or the individual) may not recognize the depth of the grief, which may be the case with the loss of a pet or a loved one who is not biologically related. While the grief may be intense and profound, others may not understand the depth of the loss.

Expect grief to come in waves. Allowing ourselves our sadness, tears, memories—and yes, deep grief—is part of what makes us sentient beings. Burying one’s pain and grief is both emotionally and physically unhealthy. In fact, the mind-body link has been well-demonstrated, and we’ve only begun to touch the tip of the iceberg in this field of study.

Stress, Grief, and the Body

Researchers have found important links between psychosocial stress and bodily disease and even mortality, as well as between depression and disease states such as cardiovascular disease. Since grief may be held in the body, there may also be a risk of long-term grief affecting our physical health.

We’ve all been guilty of burying our feelings and pain at some point, if only for a moment or two. Emotional reminders of the lost loved one can occur at the most inopportune time, and we’re forced to swallow the pain and push back the tears, so the dam doesn’t break at that moment. The key, though, is to then go home and take out those photos of our loved one, write in a journal, maybe talk to a supportive spouse or friend, and cry it out.

Feeling the entire range of emotions is just part of being human, a central and, at times, beautiful part of the human experience. So, when an otherwise well-meaning person says “Be strong” when you’re grieving or in emotional pain, know that you don’t need to! What you need to be is a human who feels love, joy, sadness, grief, and the entire spectrum of human emotions.

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Being There for Others Who Are Grieving

When you’re on the other side of the conversation and the person you’re speaking with is grieving, by all means allow them their grief. Be there for them, including letting them know, “I’m so sorry for your loss.” (And actually mean it.)

Other supportive offerings include, “This must be so painful for you. I’m here for you.” And, in fact, be there for them. Don’t offer them advice; just listen and allow them their grief.

Complicated Grief and Finding a Caring Person to Help

There are times when grief may continue to be intense instead of lessening over time, referred to as complicated grief. If your grief does not seem to be lessening, it’s essential to contact a counselor at that point.

Remember, if the pain of loss and grief get too overwhelming, get in contact with a supportive loved one or counselor to help you through it. In most situations, it will eventually get better, but in the meantime, please reach out!