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Relationships
Want to Escape From a Toxic Relationship? 3 Steps to Freedom
A path to reclaiming your life and well-being.
Posted May 18, 2024 Reviewed by Ray Parker
Key points
- You didn't enter your relationship to be treated poorly, ignored, or emotionally abandoned.
- Sustained self-awareness that you are in a toxic relationship is the first step.
- Leaving a toxic relationship often requires careful planning.
Are you in a toxic relationship? Toxic relationships feature key signs like criticism, contempt, avoidance, and pervasive negative energy.
You didn't enter your relationship to be treated poorly, ignored, or emotionally abandoned. Being abused, denigrated, frequently gaslit, subjected to reckless spending, deprived of a sex life, or forced to endure problematic, immature behavior is unacceptable. If this is occurring in your relationship, your partner needs to make major changes.
Individual and couple counseling may be needed. However, if your partner refuses to cooperate with counseling, you must face the fact that they will probably never change. You then need to decide whether to stay and try living with them as best you can or move on to a new and hopefully more satisfying relationship.
If you have decided to leave your toxic relationship, here are three steps to help you break free for good.
1. Recognize and Acknowledge the Problem
While this may sound like a no-brainer, understanding (and sustaining that awareness) that you are in a toxic relationship is the first step. Pay attention to the red flags you may have tried to previously put out of your mind: frequent painful criticism, contempt, avoidance, and negative energy. As I discuss in my book, Why Can't You Read My Mind?, not all relationships can be saved. It’s crucial to be honest with yourself about the detrimental impact the relationship is having on your well-being.
Example: A woman I counseled named Ella had endured years of abuse from her husband before she found the strength to leave, acknowledging the toxicity and reclaiming her life. She realized after leaving that trying to repeatedly give her partner a chance became, in her words, "A self-sabotaging harmful subconscious habit." Once she truly made this connection, she was ready to move on.
2. Seek Support and Professional Help by Reaching Out to Friends, Family, or a Therapist
Professional counseling can provide a safe space to explore your feelings and plan your next steps. Support groups can also offer comfort and understanding from those who have been through similar experiences. Don't underestimate the power of having a supportive friend network to bolster your resolve and assist you through the process.
Example: Another client of mine, Ben, found it "immensely helpful" to open up to friends he trusted about seeking therapy and support during and after his tumultuous relationship with an ex-boyfriend.
3. Think of What Is at Stake and Execute Your Exit Strategy
Leaving a toxic relationship often requires careful planning. Consider your financial situation, living arrangements, and any potential safety concerns. Have a clear plan and support system in place before making your move. This may include setting aside emergency funds, securing a new place to live, and ensuring you have access to necessary legal documents.
Example: Maya shared with me that her decision to leave her toxic relationship became clearer as she entered into a new career, prioritizing her well-being and future aspirations.
Additional Tips for Leaving a Toxic Relationship
Document Everything: Keep a record of abusive behaviors, including dates, times, and descriptions. This documentation can be crucial if you need to seek legal protection or custody arrangements.
Stay Safe: If you fear for your safety, make sure to have a safety plan in place. This might include changing locks, securing personal documents, and knowing where to go in case of an emergency.
Legal Advice: Consult with a lawyer to understand your rights, especially if you share assets or have children. Legal advice can help you navigate the complexities of separation and protect your interests.
Self-Care: Prioritize your physical and mental health during this challenging time. Engage in activities that bring you joy, exercise regularly, and practice mindfulness or meditation to reduce stress.
Example: Many people I have worked with who have left toxic relationships have reflected on the importance of self-care and self-love after leaving a toxic relationship, using these practices to rebuild their confidence and emotional strength.
Final Thoughts
While trying to save a relationship is admirable, it’s sometimes best to move on in the face of repeated hurts and insensitivity. Prioritize your health, happiness, and future. Remember, leaving a toxic relationship is not a sign of failure but an act of self-preservation and courage. Surround yourself with supportive people, seek professional help, and take definitive steps towards a healthier, more fulfilling life.
