3 Reasons You're Allowing Your Adult Child to Disrespect You

Many adult children I speak with acknowledge that their emotions get the best of them when talking with their parents. This results in them saying and behaving in ways that can be mean and disrespectful. Most adult children who behave this way are struggling within themselves.

It takes courage to address the complex and often painful situation of allowing an adult child to disrespect you. Parents may permit such behavior for various reasons, usually rooted in deep emotional, psychological, and relational dynamics.

The parents of adult children who contact me for coaching often describe one or more of the follwoing three primary reasons for why they find themselves allowing their adult child's disrespect to continue.

Fear of Losing the Relationship

One of the most significant reasons parents tolerate disrespect from their adult children is the fear of losing the relationship altogether. Parents may worry that standing up against disrespect will lead to estrangement or alienation. This is particularly so if the adult child has shown tendencies toward cutting off contact or has been estranged in the past.

The prospect of not having their child in their life can drive parents to tolerate behavior they otherwise wouldn't accept. They may overlook rude remarks, dismissive attitudes, or outright hostility to preserve the relationship. Parents may rationalize that some relationship, even a strained and disrespectful one, is better than none.

Guilt and Responsibility

Parents often feel profoundly responsible for their children's behavior and well-being, even into adulthood. This sense of responsibility can be compounded by guilt over past parenting decisions or circumstances that might have contributed to the child's current behavior. Parents might blame themselves for their child's disrespect, believing it stems from their shortcomings or mistakes.

As a result, parents may tolerate disrespect as a form of penance or out of a belief that they deserve it. They might also fear that enforcing boundaries and demanding respect will worsen their child's issues or emotional state. This dynamic can lead parents to continuously absorb disrespect, hoping it will help their child heal or cope with whatever underlying issues drive their behavior.

Enabling

Enabling or codependency can be significant factors in why parents allow disrespect from their adult children. This can stem from a desire to be helpful or to avoid conflict. Over time, these patterns can become deeply ingrained, making it challenging for parents to change the dynamic.

Also, a parent's self-worth and emotional stability can become heavily dependent on their child's needs and approval. In such relationships, parents may tolerate disrespect as they seek validation or approval from their child. They might prioritize their child's needs and emotions over their own, leading to a dynamic in which they consistently sacrifice their dignity and well-being.

Recommendations for Parents

• Set Clear Boundaries. Establish and communicate clear boundaries regarding what behavior is acceptable and what is not. Consistently enforce these boundaries to ensure that respect is maintained.
• Seek Professional Help. Coaching or counseling can provide valuable insights and strategies for managing your relationship with your adult child. A professional can help you navigate the emotional complexities and develop healthy coping mechanisms.
• Educate Yourself on Dependent Behavior. Recognize patterns in your behavior and interactions. Many resources, including books, support groups, and online forums, can offer guidance and support on dependent behavior.
• Encourage Open Communication. Foster an environment where open and honest communication is encouraged. Address issues directly and calmly, and listen to your child's perspective while expressing your feelings and needs.
• Practice Self-Care. Prioritize your well-being by engaging in activities that promote your physical, emotional, and mental health. Taking care of yourself enables you to approach the relationship from a place of strength and stability.
• Join Support Groups. Connecting with other parents experiencing similar challenges can provide emotional support and practical advice. Support groups offer a sense of community and understanding, reducing feelings of isolation.
• Reassess and Adjust. Continuously reassess the relationship and be willing to make adjustments as needed. Relationships are dynamic, and what works at one stage might need to be modified as circumstances change.
• Empower Your Adult Child. Encourage your child to take responsibility for their actions and behavior. Empowering them to develop their own solutions and face the consequences of their actions can promote maturity and mutual respect.

Allowing an adult child to disrespect you is not a sign of weakness but often a reflection of deep-seated fears, guilt, and complex relational dynamics. Recognizing the fear of losing the relationship, acknowledging guilt and responsibility, and understanding unhealthy patterns of are vital steps toward establishing boundaries and demanding the respect everyone deserves.

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© Jeffrey Bernstein, Ph.D. (All rights reserved).