How You Interact Is Unique to Your Relationship

Psychologists study what defines a relationship, how relationships operate, what individuals bring to a relationship, and how context and culture affect relationships.[1] In this post, I want to talk about what you should know about how your relationship “operates,” or how you interact with one another. How you interact with one another is important because it is what is unique about your relationship.

Content and Process in Your Relationship

Here's an anecdote from Sarah’s and Jesse’s relationship...

Jesse does not like to go out to movie theaters and Sarah does. When Sarah approaches him about an evening at the movies, she is often skeptical that he will respond favorably. Because of this, she is likely to be tentative about asking or she may demand that they go out, making some comment about his typical "resistance." As you can see, Sarah’s approach to asking Jesse to go out to a movie is not straightforward. Her manner of asking, her approach, is how she is interacting with Jesse, and less about going to the movie, which is the content of the request, the "what."

Every interaction with your partner involves these two aspects: 1) the content around which the interaction is occurring, and 2) the process that is happening, how the two of you are interacting with one another. Content refers to the specific issue under discussion—in this case, going to a movie theater to see a movie. Process refers to what is occurring interpersonally between the two of you—how you are operating with one another—as you talk about and decide upon an issue like going to a movie theater.

How you interact, the process that occurs between you two, affects the overall quality of your relationship. If the process is not straightforward, your interaction is at risk to go awry. Your partner is likely to attend to the process, not the content. He or she is likely to react negatively. In the case of the movie, Sarah will be unhappy if she is tentative and is likely to feel resentful toward Jesse. If she is demanding, he will most likely react negatively. Clearly a lose-lose situation.

Becoming Aware of the Process

This process can sneak up on you because it is not the obvious aspect of an interaction. The content, the movie, is the obvious part of Sarah’s and Jesse’s interaction. But how she goes about her request to go to a movie with Jesse and his response tells us more about how they construe and respond to each other.

Conflict is always about the relationship process; it’s not about the content, which can always be negotiated (see Anatomy of a Marital Conflict). If Sara approaches Jesse in a demanding way, commenting “you never like to do what I want to do,” Jesse is likely to get defensive and either retaliate with a negative statement or shut down. Now they have a conflict—and they are likely to think it has to do with movies not what is going on between them. They each may even continue to make a case for going and not going to the movie theatre until they are really angry with each other.

Managing the process in your interactions with your partner requires that both understand that process and content are both occurring. You cannot sidestep process—it is intrinsic to the relationship. You both must be willing to monitor how you are approaching each other along with what you want.

Improving the Process

If you have a good relationship, the distinction between content and process is less obvious because the way you are interacting with your partner is not distorted by some personal issue, some old or ongoing resentment, an issue that has great personal significance to you. Your interactions stay focused on the content, the issue at hand—do you go out to the movies or not?

You must be alert to signals that the way you are interacting with your partner is going awry. Oftentimes, how you are feeling during the interaction will be the best cue (annoyed, angry, hurt, edgy). Sarah needs to know that she is primed to not approach Jesse in a straightforward manner because she is aware and resents his dislike of going out to the movies. Jesse needs to know Sarah well enough to recognize that she is not approaching him in a straightforward manner. He must not react to her approach.

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Here are my suggestions about how to avoid breakdowns in the process between you and your partner:

• Recognize when you are reacting to, not interacting with your partner.
• Neither your nor your partner’s wishes and wants takes precedent over the others—issues (content) have to be negotiated.
• Be alert to when you characterize, rather than describe, how your partner acts—Sarah was on the verge of labeling Jesse as resisting because he doesn’t want to do what she wants to (see Disagreements are not Conflicts).

When you become aware that you are approaching your partner in some personalized way, stop and reflect so you can be clear about what you want and can engage your partner in a discussion and resolution.

Understanding What You Want and How to Approach Your Partner

Sarah is alert to her own susceptibility to not being straightforward with Jesse about the movie because she knows that this is not his favorite thing to do. She does not want to “stack the deck” in her favor.

Her job at this point is to focus on what is important to her about going to the movie. How important is it to see this movie in a theater? Is it about getting out of the house? Is it that she wants to be with him at the movie? Is she willing to go on her own or with a friend? These questions are important for her to consider before she makes the request of Jesse. Once she is clear about the basis of her request, she can approach Jesse in a straightforward manner and negotiate an outcome that will work for them both.

Because Jesse knows he and Sarah have a difference in how they like to watch movies, he takes the time to think about what is important to him about how he watches a movie. Is it part of his general “homebodyness”? Is it the time it takes? Is it because of the expense, particularly if they get popcorn and drinks? Is it because he doesn’t like crowds? Once he is aware of his own likes and dislikes, he can negotiate a win-win solution with Sarah.

In the case at hand, Sarah wants to go out to the movie because it is a megahit that can be better appreciated on the big screen. Jesse agrees with this and likes movie theaters better now that they have recliner seats that are assigned. They both agreed to go to a matinee when the theater is less crowded and to get a drink but no popcorn!

The End of the Story

You cannot avoid the process that happens in your interactions! It is intrinsic to your relationship. Your job is to recognize when you are not acting in a straightforward manner—when you are reacting. If you practice recognizing when you are reacting personally to the situation, step back, and reflect on what you are reacting to, so you can be straightforward with your partner. Then you can move on to negotiating what the issue at hand is and how to get a win-win outcome.