Is Your Child Stressed Out?

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At any age, we tend to feel a little on edge, amped up, or frightened when we face a challenge, threat, or change. If something important is at stake, it’s normal to react.

Mood swings, acting out, poor concentration at school, and changes in sleep patterns are all signs your child may be reacting badly to stress. Some children get stomachaches or headaches; others wet the bed. Your child may withdraw and spend more time than usual alone. She may be frequently ill.

Let’s say your child has been practicing nonstop for her violin recital. Then, the night before, she’s vomiting and assumes she should skip it because she’s “sick.” That’s where you come in. It’s important that you don’t get alarmed as well. Instead, help her hang in.

Accept the discomfort.

Coaches and teachers tell athletes and other performers—in fact, anyone who competes or enters into high-stress situations—that these big moments are likely to trigger physical symptoms. Prepare her to accept them as a sign of “good” excitement, rather than “bad” fear, notes Daniel McGinn, author of Psyched Up: How the Science of Mental Preparation Can Help You Succeed. Anxiety symptoms tend to fade naturally within 20 to 45 minutes, notes child Psychology Today blogger and anxiety researcher Amy Przeworski. Accepting the discomfort allows it to fade. Sometimes, kids don’t know when to pull back. That doesn’t mean they should quit something when they’re stressed, but six honors classes, marching band practice, the chess club, and athletics all at once can be overwhelming.

“The stress doesn’t necessarily come from bad things, but can come from too many good things,” says child psychologist Todd Cartmell, author of 8 Simple Tools for Raising Great Kids. “There’s just so much you can take on. Your kids can end up feeling overwhelmed all the time. It’s critical that you pay attention to that and help your kids maintain a balance.”

The key is to maintain your connection and have fun with your kids as often as possible. “Ask about their day, how things are going at home, at school, and with friends,” Cartmell says. “If your kids are used to talking with you, you have the pathway paved.”

Ideally, it’s not a big stretch for them to open up and talk about what’s bothering them.

When they do, listen and let them unload in whatever way they express themselves. Don’t launch into your own lecture or advice.

It’s also important, after you’ve given them space, to suggest other ways of thinking. Sometimes the stress arises from inaccurate perceptions. That voice inside your head can lead to a litany of untrue thoughts that can cause high stress.

Let your child know it’s OK to be imperfect and to make mistakes, Przeworski urges. As you move on, focus on the positives.

Accepting stress symptoms helps them fade.

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Be a role model.

You are your kids’ role model. Even when you don’t notice, they are always watching how you cope with your own stress.

Children pick up and reflect their parents’ emotions. Do you know how to remain calm and persevere?

Model the habits that allow kids to face the world with courage and solve problems. Brave behavior should be rewarded in some way, Przeworski says—with praise, a hug, a sticker, or a favorite outing.

You might also teach your child relaxation techniques like deep breathing. For a fast-moving talkative child, simply remaining quiet can be calming. Introduce them to self-soothing imagery, imagining themselves at their favorite lake or beach. Summoning up calming images or memories can become a skill that will work quickly and effectively all their lives. Younger children might turn to a video game, Cartmell says.

These skills can prepare them when the big stresses hit. Children get cancers or other serious illnesses. Sometimes parents split up. A pet, grandparent, or even a sibling or friend dies. They may have to move and start in a new school against their will.

With children as with adults, ongoing stress is more bearable with support. How are you coping? Are you drinking or overeating or flying off the handle? Your kids see that.

Do you need more practical help, emotional support, or advice? Let your children see that you take the steps needed to manage stress and continue to be reliable for them.

Sleep, diet, and exercise count as much with children as with adults—maybe more. Make sure everyone has regular bedtimes and waketimes, exercise routines, and a diet with plenty of vegetables and fruit, whole grains, and legumes. Get your vaccinations and follow all doctor’s advice.