Birthday Blues: What You Can Do

Being sad around your birthday doesn't necessarily mean that you are depressed. The “birthday blues” are common and have many causes. With a little self-compassion and imagination, you can turn things around.

It's not uncommon to especially miss a mother or spouse who has passed away and will not be with you on a day you usually spent together.

Some people have bad birthday memories. You might have felt neglected as a child, and especially so on your birthday. Or perhaps as a teenager you wished you had more friends and now notice you don't have a big crowd of people to invite. You may notice that you don't get as many Facebook birthday greetings as someone else you know.

Simply the idea of growing older can be painful, especially if we've seen people age in sad ways. You may wish you had more achievements to report at a particular milestone—"I thought I'd be making more money by 40!" or "Why am I still single?" may repeat in your mind.

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Helping someone with the birthday blues

Pushing someone to celebrate often doesn't work. Show empathy. Don't buy an expensive present for someone who feels worthless—she won't feel she is deserving. Don't drag him to the bar and offer up a toast if he just wants to be home in bed. Seeing everyone around you jolly while you sulk isn't fun.

Instead, keep it simple and lowkey. It helps to shift your recognition away from the dreaded day. You could make your sister's favorite macaroni pie and stick it in her freezer with a note. She can eat it whenever she wants. Send her flowers a week in advance so she can enjoy them all week. Make a dinner date in a restaurant for an ordinary night and unexpectedly pick up the check—"My treat for your birthday next month."

On the day itself, check-in and ask about birthday memories, and listen patiently if your person complains. This isn't a moment to jolly them. If you live together, it's OK to do your own thing and even go out. They might want the time alone and be happier when you return.

Self-care for negative or difficult feelings

Consider any of the following for these situations:

1. Unclear or mixed emotions

Before your birthday, pick up paper and a pen and write about why you’re feeling down. You might vent, but also include the kind of compassion you'd offer a friend. Writing about emotional pain works best if you don't beat yourself up and instead use phrases like "Anyone would feel badly if...."

You might try writing out your feelings for 15 minutes a day at the same time on four consecutive days before your birthday. That structure worked well in a famous study by James Pennebaker, who found that it cut visits to the student health center in half. Since the first expressive writing study in 1986, well over 500 experiments have expanded on this idea. Notice if writing with a pen feels more satisfying than notes on your smartphone or on a tablet.

2. Feeling isolated or unworthy

Plan your own party and think of yourself as giving people a chance to have fun—your gift to them, not the other way around. Feeling useful and behaving generously are powerful medicine for low moods. You could simply tell people your birthday is coming up. But don't have high expectations of them.

4. Wanting a big fuss and not sure it will happen

Make your own fuss. Go on the big vacation you've been wanting for years. No one to go with you after the big breakup? Pick a group, or go alone and nudge yourself to be chatty with strangers. Practice your conversation skills.

5. Overworked, dragged out, underslept

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Maybe you don't need a fuss. You do want to feel better. Treat yourself well in low-key ways. Get enough sleep! Start the day off right with a special breakfast. Make sure you get exercise. Buy yourself a small gift in advance that you enjoy on that day. Plan an indulgence like a hot bath.

It's a good idea to stay clear of alcohol and sweetened caffeine drinks, as both can be depressing. Try not to make your treat a forbidden food, if you're worried about your weight and are likely to beat yourself up afterward. Or keep the portion small and congratulate yourself on your self-control.

The main idea is to be as thoughful for yourself as a good friend would be. It's another golden rule: Do unto yourself as you would have others do unto you.

6. Shocked by a big number: Where did the time go?

If you're upset about aging, think about the good side of being older. Much research suggests that people are happiest in their 50s and 60s. So if you're turning 45 and can't imagine things getting better, hang in. Your happiness level could naturally change, as you get better at seeing the positive and less concerned about what others think of you. Our culture tells us that our happiest times are when we are young, but it's not true.

7. You're grieving

You might be missing a romantic relationship that ended or someone you loved may have died. Don't be afraid to pull out photos or other triggers to memory. You can even talk to your lost loved one.

8. You think you're a failure

If you feel you haven't accomplished enough for your age, write down a few goals that are within reach and make notes about how you will accomplish them. Successful people measure progress by comparing their current status to their past. Don't compare yourself to others. That's just not a way to feel better.

The truth is that everyone has different advantages and aptitudes, and our lives unfold to some degree by chance. Life isn't a race or game with an equal chance for all to win. But you can do your best to win your own approval by giving yourself concrete instructions and measuring sticks.

9. You never have a minute to yourself and hate the thought of a party

Embrace solitude. Tell your friends and family that you want an entire weekend alone in the country. You can let them know they're not being rejected by saying, "I love you. I need some time to look at the moon and stare at the back of my hand."

10. You're depressed

If you have a longstanding pattern of feeling sad around your birthday but are mostly OK, practice acceptance. Expect to feel sad and don't push it away. Your sadness may pass more quickly or deepen in a way you find rewarding. Sadness, including grief, is not the same as depression. Sadness is a healthy part of anyone's life.

It's also important to evaluate yourself. Are you depressed? You wouldn't be unusual—About 1 in 5 adults in the U.S. will receive a diagnosis of depression at some point, and those are just the people who see a doctor.

Sometimes the symptoms of depression aren't obvious. If you have had some combination of insomnia, low energy, poor concentration, aches and pains, lack of appetite, compulsive eating, suicidal thoughts, a sense of hopelessness, or a lack of enthusiam, ask yourself whether you would like help to feel better. If things get like this for most of the day, every day, for at least two weeks, you may have a clear case. But symptoms may fluctuate, too.

Some people go into a panic around their birthdays. As one woman wrote, she felt "perpetually nauseous" as her birthday approached. A birthday can be a reckoning moment that leads to tragedy...A 2019 study of death records over 40 years in Japan concluded that men were more likely to take their own lives on the day they turned 20, 30, 40 and 60. The risk of suicide rose by more than 10 times during the seven days prior to a birthday in a 2021 Australian study. Scarily, in close to 40 percent of the Australian cases, they did not have a public record of mental health problems. People can choose suicide quickly, without forethought, so don't ignore any warning signs you see in loved ones.

Birthday blues are a reminder to be your own best friend and caregiver. If you learn to do this on your birthday, you will given yourself the best gift of all.

You may find that your low birthday mood passes, and you feel uplifted afterward because you've accomplished some emotional work that wasn't clear to you. Congratulate yourself on a job well done.