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The other day, one of the mothers I work with told me that while she was playing with her son, she picked up her phone to look at a text. He told her to put her phone down. He knew that her attention to the text was taking her away from him.
And how old is he?
Two.
This little boy is two years old and he already feels like he has to compete with Mommy’s phone for her attention.
Imagine what a five-year-old feels. Or a ten-year-old.
No wonder kids want their own phones. And no wonder they’re wanting them earlier and earlier.
It’s hard to buck this trend.
Kids are asking for phones early in their lives. But if you want to be able to put off their phone ownership, or, if once they own one, you want to be able to limit their usage, the first thing you really need to do is to be more aware of your own phone usage—especially in the presence of your children.
One thing that I find particularly worrisome is the way that some parents use their phones when feeding their babies. Parents may think it doesn’t matter. What does a newborn notice? If you use your phone while nursing or while bottle feeding, perhaps you feel like it doesn’t matter.
But, like with the two-year-old I mentioned, and like with the five-year-old or the ten-year-old, it’s more about what you aren’t doing than what you are doing.
With a newborn, what you aren’t doing is looking into their eyes, being present with them, feeling their soft skin, smoothing their little bits of hair.
And what you aren’t doing is necessary for building connection and attachment—theirs and yours.
So, will they remember that you were on your phone while feeding them? No. But will it affect them that you weren’t as present as you might have been, that they missed that face-to-face, direct eye contact that can sometimes occur with feeding? Yes, I think it will.
I do not say this to induce guilt. I just say this to encourage all parents—including the parents of newborns and young babies—to limit their phone time to times when their baby or child or teen is not with them, when they are napping or sleeping, or when they absolutely have to take a call or a text.
And if you do absolutely have to do one of these things in the presence of your toddler or your older child, explain why you are doing it. This will make it much easier later when and if you decide to put limits on your child’s screen usage. It will also be better for your relationship with your child and theirs with you.
