What Is Moral Sadism?

We tend to marvel at the righteous. Yet, many of them don't marvel back.

Moral masochism, the preoccupation with sacrifice and, thus, being good, is often written about when discussing perfectionism but seldom explored is its corollary: moral sadism. Sadism is the pleasure one finds when inflicting pain onto another. Moral sadism is the use of morality to do so. Perfectionists tend to be both moral masochists and moral sadists, often, in addition, experiencing that form of sadism from those close to them, especially in families where perfectionism dominates, while also internalizing it.

Perfectionism

Partially due to the rigidity of thought, perfectionists tend to struggle with empathy, perceiving any deviation from an absolute form of morality as an excuse. Therefore, they tend to be hypercritical, offloading some of their self-oriented critical feedback onto others, in part, to relieve themselves of their own attention. On the one hand, moral masochism helps them become superior; on the other, moral sadism helps them feel it.

Perfectionists who've spent years judging others often struggle with addressing their own hurt when others turn the spotlight on them, hurriedly searching for reasons indicating why they haven't actually sinned. Unfortunately, when morality is black and white, their arguments fall on deaf ears, as their arbiters fail to seriously consider alternative perspectives. This may, in turn, contribute to a crisis, wherein the perfectionist is implored to decide how to proceed. Do they repent for their sins and vow to change once and for all? Or will they accept that while an action may be inexcusable, it is understandable?

Intention Counts

Some acknowledge the system as being corrupt and unsustainable. Behind the veil of moral sadism and masochism is a need for false self-promotion and ever-increasing status. When choosing to consider exiting these sorts of relationships, perfectionists are confronted with the question of human value, one that may terrify any of us. "If I'm not aspiring to be good, then does my life have meaning?" Here, intention counts. Is good done for goodness sake or for approval? Without the latter, perfectionists tend to struggle with cultivating and embracing a more nuanced identity. If my older brother disapproves of my ending my marriage, I may begin to conceive of myself as a rotten person. So, on the contrary, if I remain in the marriage, which may, in reality, harm both parties, I may do so to continue conceptualizing myself as a good person.

And, when I judge my friend for her divorce, there's more to the punishment than changing her seemingly abhorrent behavior. The cruelty, as with any other type of bullying, betrays a desire to dominate, both the other person and one's own unbearable feelings. And we know the punishments aren’t meant to help another, as the tormentor can’t actually tolerate being in the proximity of a saint. Since we struggle with separating the appropriateness of a rule from how its violation is punished, we blindly accept multiple forms of everyday cruelty, especially on social media, where many are more or less hidden. While a criticism may be fitting and warranted, its presentation may not be. The intention behind it should be accounted for in an equal manner, and others' intentions are not as inaccessible to us as we tend to believe.

But, the perfectionist can seldom tolerate the disdain of others, especially loved ones. So, we might ask: Do they need to hate you? And, if so, then why? Rarely is moral sadism mainly about the focused-on act. Just as the perfectionist who's finally criticized, at times, sought to increase her status, needed rest from her inner critic, desired to feel superior, needed relief from envy, and feared living in a world where her rules were chronically broken, her interlocutor shares similar sentiments. Psychoanalyst Nancy McWilliams writes, “Envy may also be the root of the much-noted judgmental quality of narcissistically organized persons, toward themselves and toward others. If I feel deficient and l perceive you as having it all, I may try to destroy what you have by deploring, scorning, or ridiculing it.” Even deeper, if I can’t accept the inherent unfairness of the universe or my own deficiencies in contributing to my undesired lot, I’ll blame you for your apparent contributions to, or for even being the cause of, my sorrow. Using the above example, I may envy you for leaving your spouse and, thus, blame you for rubbing your divorce (which I consider unethical) in my face.

Fortunately, the scorned perfectionist no longer needs to personalize or agree with the moral sadist's judgment of her, which, at bottom, is not only an assessment of poor character but is also a poor assessment of character. In learning how to tolerate his disdain by acknowledging how much he needs it and by empathizing with her own judgments (understanding rather than excusing them), she may be freed from her oppressive vision of who she ought to be. And, in forming a more complex understanding of herself, she may realize that she'll never be good but may continue to be decent, no better or worse than most of us.