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Key points
- Friendship contingent self-esteem is when someone's self-esteem depends on what happens in their friendships.
- Friendship contingent self-esteem is linked to depressive symptoms.
- People can overcome friendship contingent self-esteem by focusing on being a friend to themselves.
This post was co-authored by Marisa Franco, Ph.D., and Kuteara Jamison, who has a bachelor's in psychology.
Friendship makes us who we are. Its impact on our lives is profound and it can enhance so many aspects of our lives, from our mental health to our physical health to our sense of who we are.
With all these benefits, is it possible to value friendship too much?
As a friendship expert, I’d love to say no. But that’s not the whole truth. Sometimes we may come to value friendships so much that our self-esteem depends on what happens in our friendships. The problem, then, isn’t that we value our friendships per se. It’s that the value we place on our friendships eclipses the value we place on ourselves.
It’s when we can’t sleep after hearing back from a friend. Or our day is haunted by fears that our friends just plain old don’t like us. Or when we can’t tolerate a friend telling us how we disappointed them. Or we never reach out to friends because we'd be too devastated if they turned us down.
If this is true for us, we may have what researchers call “friendship contingent self-esteem,” which is linked to depression. While it’s normal for our relationships to influence our sense of self-worth, if our self-worth is too tied to our friendships, then we and our friendships may suffer.
So what should we do if we’re high in friendship contingent self-esteem? Be a friend to ourselves! Spending time feeling our feelings, journaling, and offering ourselves self-compassion (which involves acknowledging our feelings—I feel sad, validating them—it’s ok to feel sad, and recognizing everyone feels like we do sometimes—everyone feels sad like me sometimes) are all ways to shore up our sense of self so it’s not as dependent on what happens in our friendships.
As with any other part of our life, our self-esteem should not be largely determined by one thing. We can acknowledge the importance of friendships and still carve out a space to feel secure and at ease with ourselves. With self-compassion and security, we have the resources to navigate our friendships in healthier ways.
Note: This article also appears on my friendship blog.
