Supporting Your Postpartum Partner

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While 1 in 5 women experience perinatal mental health complications, the time during pregnancy and postpartum, this is often an overlooked aspect of the transition to parenthood. Common perinatal mood and anxiety symptoms can include:

• Feelings of hopelessness and low self-worth
• Feeling irritable, angry, and on edge
• Feeling disconnected from others, including the baby
• Difficulty sleeping beyond what is expected for pregnancy or new parenthood
• Changes in appetite or weight fluctuations beyond what is expected for pregnancy or postpartum
• Difficulty finding joy in once pleasurable activities
• Thoughts of harm to self and others, including baby

Because many symptoms can mirror common pregnancy or postpartum changes (i.e., changes to weight, energy, sleep, sexual desire, and emotions), they can often be minimized or dismissed. However, a spouse/partner is in an optimal position to observe their partner throughout pregnancy and postpartum and can be a great resource in taking notice of changes in behaviors and mood.

If you are a spouse/partner to a pregnant or postpartum individual and observe any of the above symptoms that persist longer than two weeks, are impacting their functioning, or are causing distress there are things you can do!

Offer to help seek professional support

It’s helpful to kindly express concern for their emotional well-being and offer to help them find support. Most women with maternal mental health disorders go undiagnosed and do not seek or receive treatment. Taking the step to get help can be overwhelming and you can remove barriers to care by helping contact their maternal healthcare provider (e.g., OB/GYN) or a therapist trained in perinatal mental health. It's also helpful to offer to go with them to the visit as a support person and/or watch the baby so they can attend without distraction from caretaking responsibilities.

Even if your partner does not meet all criteria for a mental health diagnosis, many new parents still struggle with various symptoms that impact functioning. So, whether or not your partner has been diagnosed with a mental health disorder, is struggling with any of the symptoms listed above, or is just going through the challenges of new parenthood, there are several additional ways to offer care and support.

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Collaborate on creating a postpartum wellness plan

During pregnancy, expecting parents can develop a postpartum wellness plan. Similar to a birth plan that outlines roles, responsibilities, and plans for the birth, a postpartum wellness plan is a similar concept for the postpartum period. A written postpartum plan details preferences around aspects of postpartum physical, emotional, and social health.

Examples for consideration in the area of physical health include ways to support the birthing parent’s sleep, nutrition, and appropriate physical activities for their stage of postpartum recovery.

For psychological health, look at ways in which each partner feels most supported and reminders of coping strategies.

Examples for consideration in the area of social health can include visitor policies (e.g., who and when) as well as any specific expectations for visitors (e.g., updated vaccines, hygiene guidelines, etc.). The plan can also include other miscellaneous information helpful for easing the transition, such as management of anticipated tasks (e.g., coordination of pet care, meal preparations, etc.) and identification of useful postpartum resources (e.g., local and virtual new parent support groups).

As many as 67% of couples report drops in relationship satisfaction for up to three years after the transition to parenthood. Setting up a flexible plan in advance is one way to reduce the potential for negative impacts on each parent and the relationship by preparing and communicating before things feel like a crisis.

Ask your partner how they are feeling—and really listen

A pregnant parent likely has 10-15 prenatal appointments during a typical pregnancy, in addition to family and friends showering them with attention. After the arrival of the baby, so much of the attention shifts off of them and onto the baby. It’s important, however, to still check in on the new parent during this time. New dads, in particular, may want to “fix” issues raised by their partner, especially if it’s an issue as serious as a mental health concern. Instead, aim to utilize empathetic listening by being physically and psychologically present, with the goal of connecting and understanding.

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Pexels / Tamilles Esposito

Express gratitude for the invisible, unpaid labor of parenting

So much of the labor of new parents, particularly mothers, involves both invisible and unpaid caretaking responsibilities.

Let’s use the example of infant feeding. There is the visible act of feeding a baby, but there is also the invisible, unpaid labor that goes into it. Aspects of the invisible (mental) load include decision-making (e.g., researching and deciding what type of bottles or breast pump, methods of increasing milk supply, etc.); data tracking (e.g., observing baby’s reaction to different formulas or different foods ingested by lactating mother, infant weight gain, etc.); and coordinating, scheduling, and attending lactation appointments so they don’t interfere with other aspects of baby’s schedule.

Not only is the labor of infant feeding unpaid but there are financial costs to both formula feeding and breastfeeding through direct expenses and workforce earning penalties. Within the first few months of life, a baby is eating every three to four hours and this is just one of countless aspects of a baby’s care that often falls on moms to manage. As such, partners need to acknowledge and validate the incredible amount of value invisible, unpaid labor brings to the home and demonstrate appreciation. Furthermore, if this parent is also suffering from a postpartum mental health disorder, they could additionally be experiencing feelings of worthlessness and failure. Reassurance, appreciation, and validation can go a long way (see next strategy).

Separate your partner from their symptoms

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If a new parent is struggling with a mental health disorder like postpartum depression, they will often internalize the symptoms of depression and not be able to see them as symptoms of the disorder. Instead of being able to recognize that feelings of low self-worth, despair, and hopelessness; disconnect from baby; and lack of pleasure in parenting are all symptoms of postpartum depression, they see themselves as failing at parenthood. The symptoms trick them into believing they are not a good parent. But the person is not the problem, the symptoms of the disorder are the problem. A partner can help gently challenge this way of thinking when it comes up. They can remind their partner that they are separate from these symptoms, they are a good parent, and with time and appropriate support, they will be well.

To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.