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Resilience
Why Doesn't My Child Tell Me Anything?
How to get your child to open up to you.
Posted January 19, 2023 Reviewed by Michelle Quirk
Key points
- Children are more likely to open up to parents who can listen to their concerns without judgment and don't talk about them with other adults.
- Creating regular family time together (like meals) provides children and parents with opportunities for frequent conversation.
- Parents can build trust with their kids by asking for (and listening to) their feedback about how to be more approachable.
Parents often complain that their children don't talk with them as much as they did in kindergarten or first grade, especially as they hit their teen years. Parents want to understand why they no longer share basic details of their lives, such as interactions with friends and the minutiae of the day. If you have already experienced this or heard through the grapevine and worry that this could happen to you and, more importantly, want to know what you can do to avoid it or deal with it, read on.
Why Your Child May Not Talk to You
First, it's important to consider why someone might be inclined to disclose or withhold personal information. Here are a few reasons children cite for not sharing with their parents.
People tend to be less likely to share if they believe what they tell others will become fodder for gossip. Ask yourself if you are a parent who tells your friends, including other parents, about aspects of your children's lives that they might rather keep private.
People are also more likely to withhold information if they believe sharing it will invite judgment or ridicule. Asking someone to self-disclose is asking them to be vulnerable, which is even less likely if they know their self-disclosure will be met with derision.
One reason children withhold information is the concern that their parents might forcefully intervene on their behalf—taking away their autonomy, embarrassing them, or somehow worsening the situation. Such consequences may seem to outweigh any potential benefit they would gain from opening up.
And one more reason we tend not to share with certain others is that they give bad advice or advice that doesn't take into account our temperament and preference of how we want to respond and what feels comfortable to us.
Recommendations
If your child is young and still talking to you without hesitation, here are some recommendations that will help you keep those channels of communication open. If your child is older and has already "gone private," it may take more effort on your part to build trust before they feel comfortable sharing.
A major consideration is whether you have an opportunity to interact regularly. The absence of built-in social exchange in the busy lives of many families means that children have fewer opportunities to interact with their parents. As all relationships need platforms for communication, I strongly recommend establishing activities you regularly and predictably engage in together. And if mealtime has not been a gathering opportunity for your family before now, it might be worth considering incorporating that structure into your home life. Meals create a platform for socialization and conversation—even among the adults at the table. While bedtime stories are also a basis for connection, their occurrence naturally fades with age and needs to be replaced with another activity. Otherwise, the connection and communication are lost.
When you do talk with your children, remember to be gently curious. Ask how they feel about certain situations instead of labeling how you imagine they feel. Ask what they want to do about situations, if anything, rather than telling themselves what to do or even assuming they must take some action.
It's great to share your own stories with your children, but not necessarily when they are trying to tell you theirs. Your kids shouldn't feel that sharing their experiences will always turn into you telling them how you experienced the same or worse. By highlighting your own experience too much, your children may feel as if you are diminishing theirs. You want your child to realize that many situations are universal and likely to be encountered eventually and throughout our lives.
One reason to share is that young people with busy parents who have little time to engage with their kids can imagine being alone with their struggles. While we experience situations differently and maybe with less emotional intensity than adolescents, even some adults are more able than others to manage negative emotions and the reactions that come from them. Many disappointments are only avoided because adults are more able than kids to choose the environments in which they find themselves.
If Your Child Appears to Confide in No One
Some children are introverts who feel most comfortable keeping their feelings and experiences to themselves. If this is your child, trying to force him or her to disclose information probably won't work. You want your child to be open with you because you hope to offer social support and advice. Additionally, requesting and getting help from others is a skill that takes practice. It involves knowing who is receptive to being asked and when, how to approach them to make them most receptive, and how to interpret the situation if they seem unwilling to listen. All these components of help-seeking are fundamental aspects of the resilience that will enable your introverted child, or any child, to bounce back in the face of adversity.
Learning How You May Need to Change
In some cases, your kids will refuse to talk to you and even tell you exactly why. It's important to be responsive to their feedback. Your kids need your guidance, and for the next few years, you will be one of the people in their lives who will always have their best interests at heart. You also know your children in ways no one else does. Making them feel comfortable talking to you about their concerns is an opportunity to help them feel less alone and become more resilient.
Ask your children, "If there were one thing I could do differently to change your willingness to share with me, what would it be?" Do they think you would be capable of changing your approach? You're asking these questions to determine how willing your children might be to compromise and open up a little, even if they don't like how you have reacted or responded to their disclosures in the past.
Always thank your kids for having these conversations with you and let them know that you will take what they have communicated to heart by trying to respond in ways that make them feel more comfortable opening up to you in the future. Be sure to put a plan in place in case you make a mistake and fail to honor your commitment. Tell your child what you would want them to say or do if in the future you didn't respond in the way they have asked you to. When your children believe you will listen to them and be discreet about their vulnerabilities, they will trust you with more of their feelings and experiences.
Like anything important, you will not necessarily arrive at complete success immediately, but your efforts will be rewarded and your child will appreciate you.
