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Recently, my three-year-old had a meltdown over wearing her seatbelt on a flight. She wriggled and squirmed and hid. She laughed using “baby talk” under the seat in front of me. I felt terribly on display as I used every technique I knew to help her re-regulate and get her belted.
I knew her laughs were more a sign of anxiety than her finding the scenario funny. I also knew her baby talk was a signal of her own stress. We were going to visit family, and she was excited but stressed about it. Co-regulation is key at this age as children need to “borrow our calm.” The problem was that in that moment of turbulence, my calm was not supporting her in re-regulating quickly enough. For her own safety, she needed to be belted. I had to pick her up off the floor and get her into the seat. The passenger behind me imitated her “baby voice” and made a loud comment that he was glad he didn’t have children. I felt horrible seeing my child so upset and embarrassed and I was angered by the looks and comments of my fellow passengers. I was stressed and felt alone.
My feelings are in line with those of many parents. Research shows that parenting stress is rampant. For example, a recent Pew research study found that, in general, 29 percent of parents reported chronically high levels of parenting stress, most pronounced in parents with children under the age of five (35 percent).
In my experience as a mother, psychologist, and professor, I have found now more than ever there is an expectation that one can raise a “perfect” child, and that the “perfect” child has the self-regulatory and cognitive skills of an adult. Social media, in particular, can make us feel like if only we do the right thing, our child won't behave “badly” or that if our child or someone else's melts down, then we or they have done something wrong. The knowledge provided by many on social media regarding child development and how to support children is invaluable. However, damage is also being done by the proliferation of information based on personal opinions and unvetted material.
We use phrases like "it takes a village" and "children are our future," but often we don't come together as a community to help parents and their children. This likely contributes to statistics such as that over a third of parents feel lonely and that nearly 90 percent of parents feel negatively judged. Having so much information at our fingertips often seems to not be creating the village we all need and making parents feel supported.
We need to find better ways to support parents, or not only will parents suffer, but so will children. We outline how to behave in movie theaters to be considerate of fellow patrons. What if we provided similar messages before flights, for example, of being respectful to all passengers including children? As a society, we need to better acknowledge and respect children’s needs based on where they are developmentally to help children and their parents.
