Love/Hate Relationships

Frank ended a phone conversation with his wife with the words, "I love you." He then hung up the phone and proceeded to dial his mother's number. During the conversation that ensued, Frank complained bitterly to his mother about his wife—seemingly at odds with the loving chat he'd just had with her. Then, later that night over dinner, he complained to his wife about his mother. Frank was splitting again.

What is splitting?

Splitting is a common symptom in some personality disorders, especially borderline personality disorder (BPD). BPD is a disruptive disorder that severely affects a person’s ability to regulate their emotions. The term "splitting" refers to dividing something. In the case of this condition, it refers to splitting one's perception of a situation or of an individual as entirely good or entirely bad, to view them as idealized or persecutory. People with BPD may habitually make snap judgments about people or situations but then rapidly switch to the polar opposite view with the same level of certainty.

Splitting often involves constant oscillation between the idealization and devaluation of a spouse or other family member, friend, or colleague. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders defines idealization as when a person "attributes exaggeratedly positive qualities to someone or something" and devaluation as when they "attribute exaggeratedly negative qualities to someone or something." Someone with BPD might praise their partner in one breathe, but switch to criticizing and condemning them in the next. The condition is also characterized by intense fears of abandonment, betrayal, and neglect by significant others, and difficulty tolerating being alone. This conflicting pattern of emotions and behaviors is exemplified by the title of the classic book about the disorder, I Hate You, Don't Leave Me.

Why do people with BPD split?

Spitting is a defense mechanism employed by people with BPD and other personality disorders that aims to help them better handle the volatile and overwhelming emotions that cause them discomfort. Splitting can be a way of dealing with the intense feelings of living with BPD, like poor self-image, lack of empathy, hypersensitivity, mood swings, and impulsivity. Any event or action that triggers these negative feelings, either real or imagined, can cause splitting in someone with BPD.

Splitting is a normal behavior in young children who can't yet grasp the complexities of relationships and situations and instead categorize them simplistically as either "good" or "bad". However, if development is disrupted by childhood trauma, a person may continue to use this outdated defense mechanism as they grow up. Then, as an adult, they may be unable to find a middle ground between idealization and devaluation.

How to help a loved one who "splits"

Splitting is a particularly detrimental symptom of BPD, for both the person with the condition and the person on the receiving end of the abuse. Relationships can be challenging for people with BPD and their partners. People with BPD are prone to hurt the ones they love. Splitting can interfere with interpersonal relationships, while the behavior can be extremely hurtful, frustrating, and confusing for loved ones. In general, people with BPD tend to have unstable and often short-lived romantic relationships.

There is no specific treatment for splitting, although medications such as antidepressants and mood stabilizers may be prescribed to improve affective BPD symptoms. However, the first line of treatment to manage BPD and splitting is psychotherapy. In particular, dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) and group therapy are commonly recommended to help the person learn to practice mindfulness and become aware of their emotions and resulting behaviors and reactions. BPD can be a discouraging condition, but the good news is that many people with this disorder get better over time with treatment and can learn to live satisfying lives.

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