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Key points
- Adolescence is often a more anxious parenting time, challenge for them is staying calm so they can effectively counsel.
- Parents can encourage mindful risk-taking in their teenager, taking a thoughtful moment to anticipate possibilities before acting.
- Parents need to specifically speak to kids about eight dire dangers that can threaten youthful life.
Adolescence is an adventure because youthful growth is attracted to risk-taking, exploring, and experimenting with the challenge of attempting the unknown, which is what the young person has to do.
Separating from the simplicity and security of childhood, detaching more from parental supervision, and being drawn to the company of friends, the young person pursues increasing independence that comes from acting more grown up. Now worldly knowledge and social freedom beckon every curious step of the way.
Teenage adventure = parent anxiety
In this exploratory and experimental process, talking about risks and risk-taking is an essential and anxious part of the parenting job. Sometimes what excites the teenager can be alarming to the parents; it can be hard for them to stay calm and communicative when they are feeling frightened and upset: “You and your friends tried doing what?”
Feeling less in control and anxious over the latest adolescent adventure can provoke upset adult responses that can close off communication at a time when it needs to be opened up. For example:
Words can become extreme: “You always…!” “You never…!”
Words can become critical: “That’s stupid!” “That’s irresponsible!”
Words can become name-calling: “You’re thoughtless!” “You’re hopeless!”
No.
The first priority when parenting an adventurous adolescent is to maintain emotional sobriety and not let their anxiety at the latest episode of risk-taking cause them to make a hard situation worse. Their job is to help the young person debrief the adventure and benefit from the outcome, what one learned to the good, and what one learned not to do again.
“Now you know what getting drunk is like, where drunken decisions can lead, and the costs that can be paid. Let’s talk about how, if you choose to drink (which we don’t support), you can do so without getting drunk and acting in ways that you later regret.”
Mindful risk-taking
When excited by some new possibility, impulsive action can bypass better judgment. Tell your teenager that when considering an appealing risk; take just a moment’s time to consider: How? Recommend using fear as an advisor (“Fright provides warning”) and taking predictive responsibility (“Always think ahead.”)
When confronted by an exciting and scary possibility do a quick (less than a minute) risk assessment before impulsively going forward by first asking and answering four mindful questions about the adventurous activity:
- What are the risks?
- What are the rewards?
- Are the rewards worth the risks?
- And if risks occur, what is my backup plan?
The danger is not that your teenager is unable to think. It’s that she or he, in a compelling or otherwise tempting situation, doesn’t take the time to think. Explain: If a risk is worth taking, so is taking a thoughtful moment to foresee dangerous possibilities, so one can mindfully proceed.
Eight dire dangers
Over the years in private family counseling practice, I saw some young people who became casualties of what I came to consider one or more of eight dire dangers to which adolescents can fall casualty. These are listed here.
Social violence – aggressive acting out can inflict or invite harm.
Accidental injury – unlooked-for outcomes can do surprising damage.
Daring behavior – testing scary limits can result in unwelcome results.
School failure – discounting work for fun now can prove costly later on.
Law breaking – rejecting established rules can lead to social punishment.
Sexual misadventures – irresponsible physical intimacy can cause lasting hurt.
Suicidal despondency – depressive thinking can provoke self-destructing actions.
Substance abuse – mood-altering drugs can affect judgment and decision-making.
Of the eight dangers, the last is the most serious because alcohol and other drug use increase the likelihood of the other seven. Thus tell your teenager that the safest path through adolescence is a chemically sober one.
Should a teenager fall casualty to one or more of these, parents need to help the teenager learn from the experience by understanding what the choice-consequence connection has to teach.
Learning from experience
“What did you learn from what happened when you took that risk that can teach you what to do and what not to do again.” Life lessons from risk-taking can have lasting value.
Social violence: “Aggressive action can do others harm.”
Accidental injury: “Not paying attention can prove costly.”
Daring behavior: “Thrill-seeking can physically endanger me.”
School failure: “Not working now can reduce choices later on.”
Law breaking: “Social disobedience can have legal consequences.”
Sexual misadventures: “Impulsive intimacy can inflict serious harm.”
Suicidal despondency: “Emotional despair can prove self-destructive.”
Substance abuse: “Recreational drugs can reduce the power of better judgment.”
It’s one of the hardest parenting tasks there is: helping an adventurous adolescent learn lasting lessons that unhappy consequences of dangerous risk-taking have to teach.
