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Key points
- The issue of freedom can cause disagreements between parents and teenagers.
- Because freedom creates risks, parents need to set terms for new freedom to be allowed.
- A "freedom contract" specifies behaviors required for new permission to be considered.
Why does freedom (the opportunity for more self-governing decision-making and worldly exposure) become more of a flashpoint for disagreement between a parent and a growing teenager?
The answer is that while a healthy adolescent needs to push for more freedom to grow as soon as she or he can get it, healthy parents need to restrain that push out of concern for her or his safety and responsibility. With every freedom comes more exposure to danger, so youthful readiness for risk must be constantly considered.
Growing Tension
This contributes to the growing tension between them as parents and teenagers gradually do less holding on and more letting go of each other, increasing separation and gradually creating functional independence between them when the 10- to 12-year coming-of-age passage comes to an end.
Parents hold on because freedom can be dangerous, allowing more risks in the young person’s life. So, formally or informally, they proceed with caution by invoking some form of “freedom contract” to which the young person is commonly held: “Keep our terms and we are more likely to give further permission. Violate them and we are not.” What terms? Consider a common few.
Terms of the Freedom Contract
The contract is part of evidence-based parenting: “You demonstrate what we need from you, and you are more likely to get what you want from us.”
Suppose the teenager protests: “Just let me go! This time I’ll really do what I say!” No. Promises are false currency. Record of conduct is what counts. What behaviors?
What might this freedom contract look like? Consider six possible provisions to get you started, and then you might want to add other provisions of your own.
- Believability: You will give us adequate and accurate information. There will be truth-telling to us.
- Predictability: You will keep promises and agreements. When you give your word, you will keep your word.
- Responsibility: You will own up to the consequences of your choices. You will claim what you cause.
- Mutuality: You will live on two-way terms with us. You will do for us just like we do for you.
- Availability: You will discuss our concerns when they arise. When we want to talk, you will be open to talk.
- Civility: You will communicate with us with courtesy and respect. You will keep your attitude and language polite.
“Remember: when you give us what we want, we are more likely to give what you want.”
Breaches of Contract
When a breach of this contract occurs, all other issues must be set aside and the offense will be discussed—what happened, how it felt for parents, and committing not to do it again. The terms of the freedom contract need to be restored. Common breaches are:
- Believability: “You lied to us.”
- Predictability: “You broke your promise.”
- Responsibility: “You denied wrongdoing.”
- Mutuality: “You only do what you want.”
- Availability: “You’re always too busy to talk.”
- Civility: “You use offensive words in disagreement.”
Breaches of contract must be addressed and corrected, and trust in the agreement restored, before any further freedom will be discussed.
At Last
Finally, parents can explain: “Just so you know, this family freedom contract is binding not just on you, but also on us. We are not asking any more from you than we are requiring from ourselves.
“We are committed to giving you adequate and accurate information, keeping all promises and agreements, meeting our family obligations to you, living with you on two-way terms, being willing to discuss your concerns when they arise, and communicating to you with courtesy and respect.
“Contractual freedom in our relationship is a two-way street, and we intend to model the conduct that we expect from you.”
