Navigating Christmas Day

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Christmas time is a festive and joyous time of the year, but it is also a difficult time for many. When December approaches, many people feel the dread associated with Christmas Day creeping up. For some people who lost a loved one, it is a time of grief because Christmas emphasizes “family time,” and it is simply not the same without the one(s) who passed. For others, it is the struggles to manage yet another Christmas Day with difficult family dynamics. Indeed, many people experience being around their family as dimming of their sparkles.

When people struggle with their family, I often hear them criticising themselves: “I shouldn’t feel this way”; “I sound awful”; “I’m a bad person for not wanting to spend Christmas with my family.” The image that comes to my mind when I hear people blaming themselves is one of wearing a Christmas jumper that is too tight, having to contort our body into that jumper, trying to look like it all fits when it obviously doesn’t. At the end of the day, the person who is worse off is the one who can’t breathe or move properly wearing that ill-fitted jumper. It is exhausting. It is painful.

I often invite my clients to move beyond criticising themselves and instead share with me what bothers them about spending time with their family. That is when the painful stories emerge. Those stories are not always the big, dramatic stories that we might expect, but often the small, subtle ones, small enough to be dismissed Christmas after Christmas, yet unresolved. I often hear these stories:

“My mother hates my wife and is passive aggressive with her.”

“My father keeps telling my son to ‘man up,’ and I don’t like it.”

“My brother is much more successful than me, and he looks down on me.”

“My sister is stingy, and she buys me a crap present begrudgingly.”

“My parents keep putting pressure on me to have children.”

“I’m never good enough for my parents; they always have to criticise me about something.”

“It seems everyone forgot my mother died, and I feel I would be the party-pooper if I talked about her.”

It can be particularly hard for LGBTQ+ people to spend Christmas with their family of origin, especially if there is covert homophobia, biphobia, or transphobia. Here are some examples:

“My brother thinks he’s better than me because he brought a grandchild to my parents.”

“Everybody thinks I’m still single because I’m gay.”

“My mother can’t look at me in the eyes since I came out.”

“My parents never ask questions about my romantic life.”

“My sister doesn’t believe in equal marriage.”

“My 15-year-old nephew made a bad homophobic joke, and everybody laughed.”

“My parents can’t say the word ‘boyfriend’; they refer to my partner as my 'friend.'”

Our family of origin should be a place of warmth, care, and love, a space that people can call home. Unfortunately, for many, the family of origin is cold, rejecting, and even toxic. But, instead of acknowledging the painful reality that family can sometimes be unloving, we tend to criticise ourselves for not wanting to be there on Christmas Day. We are socialised to hurt ourselves, wearing that tight Christmas jumper only so that we don’t rock the boat, we don’t make a fuss, and we brush everything under the carpet just so that Christmas Day can keep going as usual.

But what if we decide to stop concealing who we really are to our own family of origin, even if it rocks the boat? As long as being ourselves isn’t putting us in danger of harm (e.g., family members being violent after we come out), perhaps we owe it to ourselves to ditch that ill-fitted, painful Christmas jumper.

Tips on navigating some tricky conversations on Christmas Day

If you are the only single person at the Christmas Day lunch, give yourself permission not to collude with all the societal pressures and myths. One of those myths is that being in a relationship is a mark of success and being single is "sad." The truth is that many people in relationships live miserable lives, and there are quite a few very happy single people. If someone makes a comment about you being single at the Christmas lunch table, just raise your head high, feel proud to be single, and propose a toast to celebrate your singledom. It might shock some people in your family (they will talk about it until the next Christmas), but it might inspire some people, too.

If family members have different political views from yours, take a deep breath first and check with yourself if it is a subject you’d rather disengage with or not. People generally hold their political views so strongly that it is unlikely they will change them on Christmas Day. In fact, after one too many drinks, that very emotive conversation can become even more emotive with rising anger, and it is even less likely that you could have a polite conversation, exchanging different ideas and opinions. If you are enjoying time with your family at Christmas, you might want to tune out or check out from those political conversations and focus on having a conversation with someone else at the dinner table. But if the political views are breaching your human rights at your core, you could decide to leave and make different arrangements for next Christmas.

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If your family constantly puts you down or comments on how old you are or how fat you are, you can put boundaries in place with minimal problems if you express those assertively and respectfully. It is actually quite disarming to say something like: "Dad, it is not OK for you to comment on my weight. I find it hurtful," with a smooth tone of voice and open body language. Or, if you feel cheeky, since it's Christmas, you can use a bit of sarcasm: "Mum, you will always be older than me, and I'm learning from you how I can grow gracefully older." Be mindful that sarcasm can be fun, but it can also be incendiary! Or you could be defiant, and say: "I love being fat" while joyfully eating another mince pie. It can sometimes shut people up!

Looking after yourself on Christmas Day

Do remind yourself of all your own resources before, during, and after Christmas: breathing exercises, mindfulness, or just reminding yourself that family difficulties are not always a reflection on you, and you can’t control what people think of you. You can only control how to keep your boundaries in place, your own integrity, and your behaviours. Spend some good times connecting with the meaningful people in your life (they may not be family members), and don't forget to have a good laugh with people who matter. Also, don’t forget to talk to yourself with loving and caring words of affirmation.