Verified by 
Key points
- Many people regret not doing more to pursue a romantic relationship or a night of passion.
- Men regret their failure to take action more than women do.
- Men's degree of regret was largely based on how attractive their potential partner was.
- Women are more likely to have regrets about breaking up with a partner who is financially secure.
A series of studies published in the journal Evolutionary Psychology in 2012 sought to examine the relationship between gender, regret in a sexual relationship, and regret in a romantic relationship. The difference between the responses of men and women was considerable.
Let's Talk About Sex
In the first study, nearly 400 participants who were recruited from advanced college science classes were asked to recall the last one-night stand in which they had sex.
Participants disclosed how long ago the incident had occurred and rated their sexual partner on the following characteristics: funny, kind, stingy, physically attractive, wealthy, and honest. Interestingly, the characteristic of stinginess was included because it measures not only wealth but also the ability to share that worth with others, which is assumed to be of value in a mate.
Participants were also asked to describe the last time that they believed they could have had a one-night stand but chose not to or didn't pursue the opportunity sufficiently. Questions about the incident included how long ago this had occurred and the characteristics of the individual with whom they believed they could have become intimate.
Participants were asked to rate how much they regretted not having had this sexual encounter as well as the traits mentioned previously (funny, kind, stingy, physically attractive, wealthy, and honest).
The results identified who regretted passing up an opportunity for casual sex and found that the reasons they gave were divided along gender lines.
Men reported physical attractiveness as most important in a one-night stand, although a woman with a good sense of humor was also appealing.
Men also reported physical attraction as the reason they most regretted not having taken advantage of an opportunity to have a one-night stand. Another reason men regretted not having had a one-night stand is if the woman was kind.
But again, kindness paled in comparison to good looks.
Overall, women were more comfortable passing on the opportunity to have casual sex. But declining to engage in a sexual encounter with someone who was honest, attractive, or a man of means also caused pangs of regret.
Do We Regret Being in a Committed Relationship?
In the second study, men and women were asked to think of the last romantic relationship they were in. Participants were then asked to rate their then-partner on the characteristics mentioned previously (funny, kind, stingy, physically attractive, wealthy, and honest), and to rate how much they regret having been in that relationship.
Participants were also asked about a time when they could have had a relationship with someone but chose not to. Participants then rated how much they regretted not having a relationship with that particular person. Once again, the (potential) partner was rated on those seven characteristics.
How did men and women fare on their overall level of regret for being in a relationship with someone versus avoiding the so-called pitfalls of being tied down too young?
Women expressed an equal amount of regret for the relationships that they did get involved with as they did for those they chose not to get involved with. However, men had significantly more regret for the relationships that they did not enter into.
Men and women also differed on the reasons why they regretted not entering into a relationship. Men were more wistful about the path not chosen if the woman in question was attractive and/or honest.
Women regretted not giving a relationship a chance with a man who was kind and/or wealthy.
Conclusion
In this study women did not rate a man's attractiveness as a reason to decide whether or not they had regret for engaging (or not engaging) in either a one-night stand or a long-term relationship. They were, however, concerned with a man's financial means, generosity, kindness, and honesty.
Men, on the other hand, valued attractiveness first and foremost and then kindness and a solid sense of humor.
What are we to make of these findings?
The authors of this study aimed to view the data from an evolutionary perspective. With that in mind, it makes sense that the qualities that men chose were those that would better populate their genetic code. An attractive partner is thought to be most likely to reproduce and therefore spread their gene pool to others in the population, thus increasing the number of family members and gaining an advantage in survival.
Similarly, it has been said that women benefit from a partner who can care for them financially as well as emotionally; for example by acts of kindness.
But what do you think? Would this study yield the same results if it was repeated today?
References
Coats, S., Harrington, T., Beaubouef, M. & Locke, H. (2012). Sex Differences in Relationship Regret: The Role of Perceived Mate Characteristics. Evolutionary Psychology 10(3):422-442.
Roese, N. J., Pennington, G. L., Coleman, J., Janicki, M., Li, N. P., and Kenrick, D. T. (2006). Sex differences in regret: All for love or some for lust? Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 32, 770-780.
