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Key points
- Mantras hypnotize us into repetitive patterns that deny us access to authentic choices.
- These mantras are attached to specific roles.
- We can change our mantras.
We don’t know it, but we are often hypnotizing ourselves into doing the same thing over and over again throughout our lives. We use self-talk, a soft chatter in the brain, to repeat and repeat the same mistakes, the same interactions that get us into trouble, the same attractions, the same patterns of behavior. And we don’t even know that we are talking ourselves into it.
As I’ve said in earlier posts, we pick up roles in childhood based on our need to belong to our families of origin, roles that exactly match the needs of the family for compliance. We don’t know we are doing that either, but we feel pressured into it by the particular family dynamics we must tolerate in that particular family. Everyone in the family silently agrees to sustain their roles in order to maintain a family equilibrium. So, in this trance-like state, we perform and perform the duties, the obligations, the patterns of behavior, thought, and belief that make up the essence of this role. It is often only later in life that we begin to take the risk to live more authentically than these roles ever allow—often we only do that with the help of a therapist. But even then, we must begin to uncover the mantras that keep us stuck in those roles—those patterns of behavior, thought, and belief that are self-sabotaging. So, let’s look at some of those mantras, attached to particular roles—which deny us access to authentic choices. (Though I’ve referenced gender for literary ease, these roles are not gender-specific.)
Superwoman (Superman): If you want something done right, do it yourself.
This mantra keeps her stuck doing it all, peopling her life with people who are passive and will let her do it all.
Rescuer (Superhero): You need me. Without me, you won’t make it.
This mantra keeps him stuck in a compulsive pattern of rescuing others to the exhaustive point of losing large amounts of money, energy, and good health.
Clown (Peter Pan, King Baby): Responsibility is awful. All we need is play.
This mantra means that there is a pattern of seeking fun, pleasure, and play rather than commitment or responsibility—which means typically that s/he will be attracted to someone who will pick up that responsibility and carry it for him or her.
Runaway: I don’t need this stuff. Get me out of here.
This mantra keeps the runaway in a pattern of geographical or positional cures. She can’t stand emotions, won’t stay for the complexities of relational dynamics, and won’t be there for anyone, including herself.
Bully (Perpetrator): If I’m not bigger, stronger, and tougher than you, I’m nothing.
This mantra keeps the bully stuck in patterns that deny intimacy and may harm others. He may be hurting inside but all he knows to do with it is bully others.
Scapegoat/Priest (Good Guy Identity): I must prove myself a good person at all costs.
This mantra keeps her in a pattern of sacrificing for others to the point of utter exhaustion, if need be, because she is chasing that ultimate feeling of worthiness—a feeling she never can allow herself to attain. She is trying to be good in order to not feel like the bad person she down-deep perceives herself to be.
Scapegoat/Black Sheep: I have to be bad in order to prove to myself that I am really alive.
This mantra accepts the “bad boy” (or “bad girl”) stuff that has been projected onto him as a child as identity and acts it out as if it is survival itself. His behavior will become worse over time to the degree that he is compelled to prove his existence to himself.
Victim Identity: You have to take care of me, because it is impossible for me to take care of myself—life is just too hard for me.
This mantra keeps her stuck in seeking out either relationships in which she will be rescued or relationships in which she will be victimized—or both. The mantra reflects a belief that she’s had it harder than anyone else and she just must be taken care of in order to survive.
Golden Child: Life comes to me when I call it—because I deserve it.
This mantra keeps him stuck in repetitive patterns of seeking the highest, the best, the most ego-aggrandizing positions in life without regard to authentic desires and choices.
These are just some of the roles we might perform in order to belong in a family. And sometimes we even perform more than one. Of course, though the roles are much more complex than brevity here can account for, the mantras reflect belief systems that basically rule behavior. If and when you find these mantras in your own self-talk, you might want to seek out a therapist who can help you find its origins and begin to change your mantra to move out of the trance state.
To find a therapist, please visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
