Developing Individuality When Raising Twins

This post is part 2 of a series. Part 1 can be found here.

When I was growing up in the 1950s and 1960s, parenting advice about twins was almost unheard of. Fortunately for our large extended Jewish family, my mother was told by her delivery nurse at the Good Samaritan Hospital in Hollywood to keep our name bracelets on because the name bracelets would help her tell us apart. The nurse's advice was all that was mentioned about the importance of developing individuality in twins and teaching them through activities and interactions that they were individuals and very different people in many ways. A focus on similarities in twins was in style that undermined the development of individuality.

Today, some parents are learning to understand that focusing on similarities creates competition and even estrangement in adulthood.

A great deal of concern about the challenges of raising twins is now apparent. Parenting advice on how to help twins become unique individuals seems to be a staple and an accepted way of avoiding competition and fighting between double-trouble twins. And, of course, the advice about paying attention to individuality and developing what is unique about each child is agreed upon and considered essential. But raising twins requires more parental understanding and intervention than just the focus on the development of individuality.

Here are some other key issues that parents should attend to as early as possible.

Coping With the Enormous and Overwhelming Demands of Twins

Firstly, raising twins is a serious emotional and physical challenge. Even with the help of family and nannies, keeping family life calm and organized is extremely hard to do. And some moms and dads would say that it is impossible to have a normal looking and functioning home. Coping with the double trouble that twins can easily create makes thinking straight almost impossible. For example, one of your infant twins cries and her sister joins in. One twin is hungry and so is their brother or sister. The pair cry and fuss and hit each other because they are both tired and want attention. It is impossible for one person to take care of them at the same time. Parents get frustrated. How do mom and dad cope with their exhausting and normally problematic twins?

Advice on how to live through a twin pair’s childhood is rampant. Books, podcasts, and twin groups for parents have flooded the twin-parent market. Who has the best advice and where to get it is like seeking out the best sale in town for peace and quiet. The emotional issues that twins evoke in parents can be tricky and stressful to understand and to resolve. Mom connects more intensely with one twin and dad feels more connected to the other. This division creates anguish for the entire family. Or both children may be labeled “the twins,” which leads to not enough attention to individuality and real differences. What happens when both twins take off in different directions? Which twin gets followed? Or how do you avoid favoritism? How can each child get what they need, not what their twin needs? What does it mean to give equally to both of your children?

Parents need to think about and address these questions for themselves, taking time to make decisions.

The Right Amount of Help

The first thing that comes to my mind is that parents in their desperation to get their house in order seek out more and more help from family and professionals. While help is important, having too many cooks in the kitchen can create chaos and indecisiveness. When there is too much help from the grandparents or a trusted child development expert or a best friend, the parents’ sense of authority is diminished. But what makes the problem of who is in charge more difficult is the reality that twins together know how to get their own way. When a pair decides on a plan they can really figure out how to execute it with great finesse going over any household authority.

Here is a personal example. My sister and I at around 4 years old wanted to try the floor polish under the kitchen sink because we thought it was fruit punch. Together we opened the cabinet where cleaning materials were kept. Everyone was asleep so we managed to open the floor polish (which was poison) by ourselves. Mom heard us and came running to see what trouble we were getting into. Immediately she called 911 and we were transported by ambulance to the local hospital where we had our stomachs pumped. I survived to tell this story and my sister survived as well.

Dealing With Twin Authority

The power of twin authority (twin power) is seriously hard to overcome and takes some real effort and attention on the part of caregivers. Here are some suggestions that will help you know for yourself what is going wrong.

1. Rely on your own instincts about what is going astray in your home.
2. Make practical decisions as opposed to perfect decisions about the problems you face with your twins.
3. Remember how hard it is to raise twins and give yourself some breaks from your children.
4. Twins do have special needs because they rely on each other for comfort, socializing, and making decisions.
5. Language development may be delayed if twins are together too much of the time. When twins are always together, they are also more able to undermine mom and dad’s authority.

Conclusions

So much new information, research, and support is on the Internet, in books, and available from childhood specialists. Also, make use of what parents and educators know about raising twins.

What I have learned from working with twins and their parents is that seeking solutions always helps. Twins have special problems, which I have addressed over and over. Twin special problems will be solved by a positive “I can do this” attitude and careful attention to the details of your parenting concern. There is no one-size-fits-all answers, and there are no shortcuts.

While most informed parents know that they should not dress their children alike, there is more to learn. Separate your twin children by their interests in all areas of development, avoid “compare-and-contrast” language and thinking, and try very hard to treat them equally. There are no shortcuts that your neighbor or friend or family member can suggest that will solve your parenting twin issues. Surely you will find solutions. And then your children will outgrow your solutions and you will have to do it over and over again. Do not give up or it will put you farther behind.