Helping Adult Twins Get Along

From little brawls over “who gets to wear the new black sweater” to intense misunderstandings over friendships, possessions, winner/loser feelings, and actual physical fighting, all are very common states of mind when twins start to avoid each other or become estranged. And twin estrangement is a more common occurrence in our world than twins and non-twins might imagine. For the sake of clarity, let me define “estrangement.”

Twin estrangement is based on a constellation of conflicted feelings and experiences that twins have shared growing up. For example, twin May is more kind-hearted and gets more attention from parents, relatives, friends, and onlookers. Twin April is more aggressive and not concerned with how her bossy behavior offends parents, relatives, onlookers, and friends. But twin April gets what she wants. These identities follow May and April as they mature.

With all twin pairs, there is jealousy and tension between the pair over how much attention and other "goodies" each twin gets and why. Eventually, twin roles create fear of being together because of anger, disappointments, and harsh words that have been experienced together. As they grow up, May has more friends (she is very popular) and April has more toys and video games. May has more loving children and April has the biggest house with a swimming pool. Each twin wants what the other twin has and, most likely, each twin will not be given access to their twin’s prized possessions or friends. Fighting begins and escalates. A resolution between the pair is hard to find and the fighting seems to live on and on. Avoidance and anger gradually lead to many years of estrangement.

What Creates Estrangement

An inadequate parenting style that allows competition and comparisons between twins to develop at the expense of individuality is the most common cause that takes twins down the path of fighting and becoming estranged from each other as they grow older.

“Twins in conflict” become further and further apart rather than closer together. Deep shame is associated with estrangement because twins supposedly always get along, based on our social and cultural fantasy or mythology that twinship is an ideal relationship. In reality, being a twin is a serious challenge both socially and emotionally. Distance and individuality are very important to twin development and mental health, contrary to popular ideas. Getting along because you are twins is not necessarily normal. And fighting with your twin and wanting your own space is not only normal but healthy.

Not All Twin Estrangement Is the Same

There are different ranges of twin estrangement, and there is no one-size-fits-all when you talk about estrangement. When dark feelings of estrangement are deep-seated in past child abuse (of all kinds) by parents or caregivers, twin avoidance can be profound and long-lasting. A chaotic family structure where twins are “parents” to one another can also create fighting that leads to a less pervasive estrangement that will still need some sort of educational and psychological intervention. Twins who have been given the chance to become individuals are most likely to solve their disagreements and get along as adults. Although, even for twins who have “enough” of their own individuality, it is difficult to reach a non-conflicted consensus on some personal issues.

It is critical to understand that estrangement has different meanings and evolution for different twin pairs. For example, twins who have been abused usually have longer periods of estrangement than twins who have been compared to one another endlessly. In all cases, psychotherapy is very helpful, especially if the therapist understands that unraveling the twin development is a critical part of recovery of a sense of self that is disentangled from the co-twin.

What Contributes to Twin Estrangement?

Inadequate parenting for individual development

Parents are determinants of how and why estrangement develops. A father of twins who were always in combat (whether outwardly or behind the scenes) asked me, “Why don't twin educators teach parents how to avoid twin estrangement?” Another well-asked question is, “How do I get my twins to get along as adults?”

The obvious answers are to avoid child abuse, comparison, and competition. Some of this is very hard to do (comparison is hard to avoid). And in all truth, raising twins is very challenging because of the demands of each child and their demands as a pair.

Showing favoritism in any way

Without a doubt, favoritism from adults will lead to estrangement as twins grow older. The favored twin has power over the devalued co-twin. Conversations like, "Mom says I am the best speller" or "I am the best dancer" will eventually lead to fighting, disappointments and perhaps estrangement later in life. These evaluative statements create a disparity between twins that encourages jealousy and competition. Avoiding labels that limit identity development in twins is essential.

Neglectful attention to individual development

Of course, parents are often overwhelmed by the work it takes to raise twins. In many cases, parents do not have enough time to individualize attention to each child. While it is easier to let twins play together all the time, there are serious consequences to this parenting strategy, which directly affects cognitive, social, and emotional development. In other words, too much time together can lead to a lack of development in the dependent twin.

Understanding Twins Essential Reads

The Unique Development of Twin Language

How Parental Indifference Affects the Twin Bond

Lack of interest in finding separate friends and activities for each twin

Separate interests and separate friends are essential to a long-term friendship between twins. When there is too much sharing of friends, deep anger between the pair can occur, which is hard to sort out. It is especially important that not all friendships are shared. Separate time with parents and relatives is equally important.

Attention to why twins are fighting

Fighting that is ongoing between twins is a sign that adult interventions are needed. Taking time to find solutions to anger and disappointments will help reduce resentments that can lead to avoidance and then estrangement in the lives of twins.

Conclusions

The parental role is essential to the development of a healthy adult relationship between twins. When the individual needs and interests of each child are developed, fighting should diminish significantly. Here are some rules to promote each child’s sense of self.

1. As early as possible, develop a sense of each child as unique.
2. Early in life, begin to make “separate” toys and “sharing” a topic of discussion with your children.
3. Teach children to keep non-sharing objects such as toys, clothes, and makeup in a special and separate place.
4. Make a special area for sharing toys.
5. Spend special time with each child to get to know him or her as a unique individual.