Defining Success on Your Own Terms

This post was co-authored by Erin Marshall.

In life, it can be easy to get caught up in the pursuit of success. We have been conditioned to believe that we need to be faster, smarter, richer, better, and more successful. We’re always supposed to be at that top echelon of human performance and functioning. But what are we chasing?

A traditional understanding of success is largely measured by external achievements, wealth, status, and material possessions rather than by living a life that is genuine and aligned with one’s values, passions, and inner truths. We are so inundated with information that we might not even know what we are doing anymore or, possibly more concerning, why. Have you ever felt like you were chasing someone else’s idea of success?

People nearing the end of their careers have sought me out to work with for one main reason: They want to feel again. These ridiculously successful, talented, and extraordinary professionals from virtually every industry approach the end of a career looking for guidance on how to feel feelings. I have seen similar patterns when people are nearing the end of their lives, too. I have witnessed a longing for more time. And it is not more time for them to finally finish their to-do list or add another accolade to their resume.

The reality is that you can meet all of the traditional markers of success and still not feel fulfilled. While the traditional markers of success—the titles, salaries, and accolades—can be motivating and rewarding, the challenge comes when we solely rely on these to bring us fulfillment. You can succeed in certain domains, but there’s a rumbling you can feel when something is missing.

Stuck in an Endless Cycle

In today’s world, we have an overabundance of information about being successful and an underabundance of people actually feeling successful.

Many of us have set conditions, often based on societal and external standards, around our success. We have convinced ourselves that once something specific happens or a milestone is achieved, then we will feel OK. Then, we will feel happy. Then, we will feel successful.

For example:

• When I finish my professional certification, then I will feel confident in my expertise.
• When I get promoted, then I will feel accomplished in my career.
• When I earn a higher salary, then I will feel my hard work is paying off.
• When I receive recognition or an award, then I will feel valued and respected.

This reminds me of the Greek myth of Sisyphus. Zeus punished Sisyphus for escaping death twice by forcing him to roll a massive boulder up a hill, only to have it roll back down every time Sisyphus was close to the top—a task he had to repeat for eternity. Feeling successful and living a good life will continue to feel elusive if we stay trapped in the “when-then” cycle. It is important to seek fulfillment from within as well.

Redefining Success

Many of us haven't truly allowed ourselves to slow down to consider what matters most to us. Rather than drowning in all the things you should be doing, ought to be doing, and could be doing, my invitation is for you to stop and take personal inventory.

You need:

• Clarity about what matters most to you.
• A time and a place for that in your life to make it matter most.

Here are a few ideas to support you in this exploration:

1. Know who you are and who you are not: Just because everyone else is doing the “it” thing doesn’t mean you have to as well. This is about setting goals that are important to you and aligned with your values and your best life, not necessarily those that are seen as important by society. These are the goals worthy of your time and energy.
2. Be aware of your coveting tendencies: Coveting behavior occurs when you have a deep desire to possess something someone else has. We compare ourselves to others, strive for an ideal or perfect life, or think something on the outside will solve all our problems. Many of us get stuck in this outer-attainment-for-inner-attunement trap. Yet, the truth is that you will never have enough of what you do not need.
3. Keep your promises to yourself: Just as you protect your promises and commitments to others, show yourself the same respect and honor. This builds self-trust and efficacy for following through.

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When we know what we value most, we can begin to move beyond the traditional and often external markers of success to be able to craft our own definition.

Living an Authentic and Value-Aligned Life

There’s an intuitive knowing we experience when our lives are in alignment. Not everyone is going to follow suit or see it the same way you do, but you know wholeheartedly what matters most to you, and you choose to make it matter most. This authenticity leads to a deeper, more lasting sense of fulfillment and happiness, as it aligns with our true values, goals, and passions.

Here are a few questions to think about to get you started:

• What are the values and principles that you want your success to be aligned with?
• What are specific accomplishments or experiences that make you feel fulfilled?
• What impact or legacy do you want to leave behind that would make you feel successful?

Markers I strive for are things like:

• A flexible calendar
• Slower mornings
• Freedom to choose
• Peace of mind
• Being able to be present
• A relaxed and regulated work pace
• Spaciousness in my calendar to say "yes"
• Consistently being able to get a physical win, mental win, and spiritual win each day
• Being able to show up when someone needs me
• A good night’s sleep

What would success feel like for you?

Final Thoughts

Michelle Obama once said, “Success isn’t about how your life looks to others. It’s about how it feels to you.” My hope is that we can all find our way back to this truth. When I let go of the need for external validation and embraced my own definition of success, I found a deep sense of sufficiency and confidence within myself. More importantly, I found a richness of peace that I never knew was possible.

When you show up authentically and meaningfully in your own life, you’ll find that true success is not only attainable but deeply rewarding. Success, ultimately, is about showing up in a way that is meaningful and purpose-filled for the life you choose to live—a life that feels successful on your own terms.