How Can I Connect With My Partner?

When couples don’t feel connected to their partner, they often forget how small connections can make a big difference. In my book Love Hacks: Simple Solutions to Your Most Common Relationship Issues, I detail five quick partner connections. These connections are all different, and I use Tease as an easy way to remember them—which stands for traditions, efforts, acknowledgments, silliness, and erotic. Each connection is a simple but valuable way to connect when partners don’t have time.

Traditions

Traditions between you and your partner are important in a relationship. They allow couples to feel connected by having something just for them. Think about simple rituals you could add to your relationship. Perhaps you could create a morning gratitude ritual; each day, you could tell each other the five things you’re grateful for. This would start your day positively, and studies show that making a gratitude list can make people happier.

Alternatively, make a tradition of taking a morning or evening walk together. Make a ritual of having coffee or tea together for 10 minutes before work. A tradition can be as simple as kissing your partner goodbye before leaving in the morning and kissing them hello when you return. The focus here is establishing a habit or ritual that is just between the two of you.

Efforts

Part of being a good partner is helping your partner. A powerful way to connect is by helping your partner in some quick, everyday way. Some examples are scraping ice off the car windshield in winter, picking up groceries for dinner that night, or tidying up the house.

Acknowledgments

As I discuss in the first chapter, we all want to feel seen, heard, and acknowledged. One great way to make a quick partner connection is to do something to make your partner feel valued. You could write your partner a handwritten note before they leave for work, which is always a fun surprise. This could be a simple expression of appreciation, like “You mean so much to me” or “I value how much you do for me.” Alternatively, partners can tell each other something they love about the other: “I love that when you laugh, your nose crinkles.” A gesture like a hug can let our partner know how much they mean to us. Acknowledgments are a beautiful way to connect with our partners.

On the other hand, if you don’t feel acknowledged by your partner, remember that positive behavior toward a partner begets positive behavior. In other words, if we give, we’re more likely to get.

Silliness

We often forget that silliness in a relationship is not only necessary but super-helpful in connecting. Commit to being silly with your partner once a day. What’s the worst that could happen? Talk in a foreign accent, wrestle with each other, or make silly faces before going to bed.

Laughter is healing and a wonderful way to connect. If this is hard for you, perhaps it’s something to strive for: Use this strategy to break free of feeling the need to be serious and responsible 24/7. Silliness can remind our partners that we are multifaceted humans and that our relationship can be funny, too.

Erotic

Another way you can connect with your partner quickly is erotically. This doesn’t necessarily mean having sex, though it could. The idea is to supplement regular sexual connections.

For instance, a quick, flirty text can go a long way to putting a partner in a good mood. Perhaps send your partner a steamy text first thing in the morning while they are on their way to work. Alternatively, write and send a sweet poem or sensual quote.

Remember, sex doesn’t always start in the bedroom! These hacks could be a fun way to entice and excite your partner spontaneously. It’s also fun to be sensual outside of everyday responsibilities. It reminds us that we’re in a healthy sexual relationship.

Whichever quick partner connection you decide to try, I suggest putting a reminder in your calendar. Every day, remind yourself to quickly connect with your partner in some capacity using traditions, efforts, acknowledgments, silliness, and erotic. Do only one thing—say, be silly by putting on a pig nose before coming home from work—or alternate between all five. A little effort goes a long way toward fostering connection and feeling closer with our partners.