Rebuilding Couples' Communication With Emotionally Focused Therapy

This post is part 2 of a series.

The emotion-focused couples therapist guides clients to first fully connect with and understand their emotions, and then create new responses and interaction patterns (Johnson, 2007). Emotionally focused therapists use emotion tracking, reflecting, and heightening to help clients recognize their emotional responses and ultimately shift their emotional responses from secondary emotions (a.k.a. “hard” emotions like anger and hostility) to primary emotions (a.k.a. “softer” emotions like sadness or fear).

Encouraging clients to express their underlying primary emotions restructures the couples’ communication patterns. The goal of restructuring interactions is to have partners respond to each other with more responsiveness and support, as would a responsive caregiver. This results in a more secure attachment between partners (Johnson, 2007).

A Focus on the Present Moment

A focus on the present moment in emotionally focused therapy emphasizes that emotions are experienced moment to moment and are most important to the process of emotional and relationship change; content issues and past experiences of couples’ problems are of less concern (Johnson, 2007). For example, if a couple finds they have reoccurring arguments about money, an emotionally focused couples therapist would help each individual explore their internal emotions and discover what money represents to them, rather than advising the couple members to handle their spending in a different way. Evocative questions and reflection help the client to focus on what is happening in the present moment and to move from secondary emotion expression to primary emotion expression. Therapists can be thought of as “process consultants” that help clients express their emotions as fully as possible, and then rebuild communication processes around the “softer” underlying primary emotions (Johnson, 2007).

Emotionally focused couples therapy is a humanistic approach to therapy. As such, the basic assumptions of this method include that the whole person is the target of intervention, all individuals possess innate communication skills, and diagnosis of disorder may not be helpful to client growth (Johnson, 2007). An emotionally focused couples therapist does not simply try to modify the behavior or certain symptoms of the client; the client is encouraged to grow as a person to become more empowered and adaptable.

Negative Emotions

Emotionally focused couples therapy assumes that all humans have the skills necessary to be in a secure relationship, but negative emotions get in the way of the expression of these emotions. In other words, couples become trapped in negative interaction patterns as a result of being flooded with negative emotions. An emotionally focused therapist practices acceptance, validation, and empathy to empower clients. Unconditional acceptance and validation allow clients to feel safe in expressing the underlying emotions that contribute to their behaviors. If feelings are empathetically accepted, feelings of anger calm down as they no longer need to be justified, and more socially connecting emotions are able to be felt and expressed (Johnson, 2007).

As such, emotionally focused therapy changes behavior naturally and authentically. For example, if a client’s anger is accepted by the therapist, they no longer need to feel anger for their needs to be heard and will thus show up in a softer and more forgiving way in their relationship. Thus, empathy, acceptance, and validation are used to indirectly modify behaviors.