Verified by 
Key points
- Couples with ADHD may struggle with disagreements that escalate quickly into intense arguments.
- Focusing on what the other person can do differently is a trap; shift to thinking about what you can change.
- Rebalance yourself before attempting to talk about anything with your partner.
- Learn how to use the STEPS method to strategize more effective solutions to conflict.
Every couple struggles with those moments when a switch has flipped and suddenly there’s a bubbling volcano of angry, negative emotions inside of both of you waiting to erupt. Before you know what’s happening, you each say or do things that you’ll surely regret later, but can’t stop.
In a relationship where one or both partners have ADHD, these escalations (amygdala takeovers) can happen extremely quickly due to challenges with emotional regulation, verbal impulse control, metacognition, and weaker working memory. One minute you’re OK; the next, it’s as if a match has been thrown on a pile of old painting rags and putrid fumes are polluting the health of your relationship. Significant emotional damage can ensue for both parties, potentially transforming tender love into toxic rage.
When couples struggle with anger, they often focus on what the other person could do differently or better. This is a trap: You can’t control what anyone else does; you can only control yourself. Thus, learning better tools for dealing with your own dysregulation is what’s called for.
When the amygdala becomes activated, the thinking brain (your prefrontal cortex) goes temporarily offline and feelings rule the day. In neurotypical brains, executive functioning skills help the amygdala calm down by engaging language to name the feelings instead of experiencing them, by accessing the capacity to step back and assess the situation, and by using rational thinking to find alternative solutions.
In ADHD brains, your executive functioning skills, already working so hard to accomplish and maintain daily life tasks, struggle with the extra burden of effectively dealing with a rush of strong emotions. You’ll tend to react quickly with volatility instead of responding with consideration.
How can you do something differently before and during an amygdala takeover? Focus on rebalancing yourself instead of telling your partner to calm down.
In my experience, saying “calm down” usually results in people speeding up and getting defensive. Anger, unkind words, and intense emotions emerge. The so-called "four horsemen," aptly named by psychologists John and Julie Gottman as problematic patterns in couples, appear on the scene to wreak their damage in the form of criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. By now, you and your partner have usually regressed to some ugly version of your 10-year-old selves.
Rebalancing is what’s called for—and preparation will help you make that happen.
How to Rebalance
Rebalancing means creating a couple’s coping strategy in advance so you can rely on it in difficult moments. Identify what will assist each of you from steering into a tailspin. Examine your respective patterns when you have big feelings and work together to create a collaborative plan of action.
My “take a few STEPS back” method can help you with this process. Here’s how the STEPS work:
1. Self-control.
When the intensity of a conversation rises, pay attention to your body’s signals that you are becoming activated. Maybe your heart starts beating faster or you begin perspiring. Perhaps you are speaking louder and out of breath.
If you can catch your dysregulation early, you can avoid a massive eruption. Practicing self-awareness and paying attention to your body sensations when you are not activated will help you notice what is happening and give you important information about slowing things down when you are.
Try saying, “I’m feeling agitated and I’m getting upset. I need things to slow down” instead of “Why won’t you leave me alone? I just want you to stop talking to me!”
2. Time apart.
Instead of pretending that your conflicts won’t re-occur or being so relieved that they are over you want to forget them, be honest with each other and acknowledge that, yes, you will probably disagree again in the future. So, plan for those tricky moments and set up a "time apart" structure.
To do this, decide, in advance, the amount of time you will each need to restabilize, how you are going to call for a break in the action, what each of you will do, and where and when you will come back together.
3. Evaluate.
During your time apart, reflect on what just occurred. Think about what you really want at this moment, in this conversation, or regarding this issue.
If you’re feeling angry and need to vent, grab a pen or your computer and start writing, planning to throw it out later. Create a voice memo if that’s useful. Perhaps draw something, go for a run, or break out the yoga mat.
Then, ask yourself what you could have done or said differently and how you could express your thoughts and desires in a more effective way. Consider what you can be accountable for. We are looking for evenness here—getting back to baseline.
4. Practice reflective listening.
Reflective listening is a key tool for improving respectful communication in couples. To use it effectively during a disagreement, it’s best to practice this technique a few times a week. This will not only improve your ability to do it with satisfaction during or after an argument but also increase your connection to your partner amid your busy lives.
Initially, set the timer for 10 minutes and build up to 20. Each person gets half of that time as the speaker, and the other half as the listener.
The speaker starts to talk about what’s on their mind and pauses after a sentence or two; alternatively, the listener can use a hand signal when their memory capacity is full. Then the listener says: “What I heard you say is X. Did I get that right? Is there anything else?” This back-and-forth continues until the timer rings. Then, switch roles.
When you are practicing this tool, feel free to talk about anything: work, friends, kids, emotions. When you are using this tool for an argument, talk about how you feel using "I" statements rather than blaming ones.
5. Strategize.
Once you’ve shared how you feel with each other and you both feel heard, it’s time to strategize the next right action. Where do you go from here? What’s something you can both do to move forward?
Collaborate on this—but know that it’s OK if you need different things. This is a judgment-free zone. The goal is to proceed with clear minds and open hearts.
References
Beeney JE, Hallquist MN, Scott LN, Ringwald WR, Stepp SD, Lazarus SA, Mattia AA, Pilkonis PA. The Emotional Bank Account and the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in Romantic Relationships of People with Borderline Personality Disorder: A Dyadic Observational Study. Clin Psychol Sci. 2019 Sep;7(5):1063-1077. doi: 10.1177/2167702619830647. Epub 2019 Apr 18. PMID: 32670673; PMCID: PMC7363036.
Gottman J, & Silver N (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York, NY: Crown Publishers.
